Beyond Excellence

Do They mean Us? (2)

2009-08-26T08:31:00.005Z

Nice to see that there's going to be a "CrackDown" on a certain type of abuse (not drug-induced).

Until you read on and discover that this will consist of merely "investigating the cost" of the abuse. A hint of the official outcome of the investigation is even disclosed by a Government Minister, who says that "it is not acceptable".

In other words, all Down & no Crack!

As usual, here in Somerset we know the outcome of the investigation before it even starts. The answer, of course, is £200,000,000.

And the miserable yokels are still crying into their cider down at the Dog & Duck. Knowing that we will be able to say "we told you so" is no comfort at all.

SomerBlogging on ...

2009-08-06T17:28:00.004Z

... despite Alan's precipitate departure following the change of little government?

We had kind of expected things to settle down a bit. You know? But then someone showed us this new blog.

It's one of the "Political" ones, and we would not normally want to comment, but the peculiar thing is that the Party has changed (all the previous ones were to do with the ancien régime and we suspected that some or all were fakes ...).

The other peculiar thing is that we have read through it several times and cannot figure out if it is genuine or a hoax!

As you may recall, we are always alert to the possibility of fakes ....

Any enlightenment would be welcome. On this, or indeed, any other matter!

Friday the 31st

2009-07-31T09:04:00.003Z

So an observation from the regulars would seem appropriate, and it goes like this:

Victims of bullying are like spilt milk - not worth crying over. As we have said all along.

All the Forces of Excellence have to do is apply a bit of heat, either with a blowtorch or a P45, and the stuff evaporates leaving nothing but a stain and a bad smell.

Then if they can string things out for long enough, even that disappears!

Who Pays Wins! ...

2009-07-29T10:24:00.005Z

... is the motto of the"Special Excellence Service", or SES as some would have it.

Down at the D&D we reckon that this is in fact a load of bollox, as WE were the ones who paid for it all, and we most definitely did not win!

Anyway, for anyone who wants to see what the legal system does when someone without representation goes up against someone with unrestricted access to our wallets ... click here.

(WARNING! Link should not be attempted by miners or people suffering from high blood pressure, or indeed anyone who would rather that their illusions remain intact. Ed.)

Somerset's Lottery

2009-07-17T19:30:00.014Z

Like our legal system, SAP in Somerset is something of a lottery. And it seems you don’t even need to buy a ticket!

A couple of winners were celebrating in the D&D last night, buying drinks all round, after finally being paid.

OK, so they had to wait 4 months, but to compensate them, SAP paid twice. Apparently this made up for all the extra administrative charges and interest they had incurred in the struggle to get paid at all.

Halfway through the evening, another yokel rolled in with an even broader grin on his face. He had also been paid, and, wait for it, hadn’t even sent in an invoice! Drinks all round once again.

Now if I tell you that all this merriment and drunken revelry was taking place at the North end of the bar … then perhaps you can guess what happened next?

Because down at the South end, sullen losers whose payments are four months overdue were still drowning their SAP sorrows, and hearing that someone had won the SAP Lottery without even buying a ticket, their mood turned even uglier than usual.

According to Daffer, the ensuing fracas, and the landlord's panic stricken 999 call to the Police ("no-one in the area, sorry", needless to say), were instrumental in helping Jonesy to finally admit that the game was up.

So he's given a paltry 2 weeks notice, and after this month's payday will leave us a memorable legacy:

Chaos;
Confusionism;
Jonesian Mathematics (aka x+y=200 million);
Discredited Local Democracy; and
The SAP about to hit the fan!

It's hard to believe they're all being so polite about it. Consensus down at the D&D is

Good Riddance!

:-)

We also think it would be nice if he could take some of his noodly appendages with him. Or is that just being greedy?

A lesson for us all ...

2009-07-16T18:04:00.003Z

... as Paul Buchanan is convicted of Organisational Terrorism in Taunton's first ever Show Trial, and confirming the validity of the Dog & Duck Code of Conduct for Somerset County Councillors!

Presumably this puts any of the new members who may have been considering asking questions "on notice".

It also confirms that it really wasn't worth getting out of bed for last month's elections.

Don't want to be smug or anything ... but we were right all along!

Flushed with Exc**ment?

2009-07-15T11:01:00.006Z

Now is this really a £4 million headline?

Somerset taxpayers (all 190,000 of us) pay £20 each a year for Council spin, and we really do deserve better.

Even Alan (the 21st Century's answer to Judge Jeffreys?) wrote a better article on famous Taunton Toilets.

Perhaps the inspiration came while he was trawling? That might explain where the evidence of willingness came from!

Taunton Terror Trials - End Game?

2009-07-10T09:32:00.009Z

The "incompetence or malice?" issue should finally be resolved in Taunton next week.

Let us be confident that the judges will do their jobs properly and establish who's who in the world of Somerset Terror, with no more evasion, distraction, distortion or spin.

Incredible as it may sound (especially to the regulars down at the Dog & Duck who have had experience), the story this time is that the Forces of Excellence were in fact the victims of bullying. Yep, that's right, same as perpetrators, but in reverse!

Now this may sound like a sick joke, but let us remember that an acknowledged "culture of bullying" was one of the building blocks of Excellence as Somerset knows it. Also, a lot of people now have experience of living under Excellence. They will know that it is has been standard management practice for anyone who asks unhelpful questions to be branded a "bully".

However, up until now, that has been a purely internal procedure. To the outside world, dissenters have always been presented as "Organizational Terrorists", at least since Venice. This implies some sort of subversive underground movement, rather than a display of jackbooted authority. And it's pretty obvious why - imagine headlines in the Sun:

Mouse Terrorises Cat!; or

Somerset Worm Scares Birds!

Anyone who wants the full background to the sordid little saga could do worse than check out Hansard. (P.S. - nice to see someone standing up for a political opponent for a change!)

As for next week, everyone at the D&D says:

Good Luck Paul!

£200 million .... it's contagious!

2009-07-07T17:34:00.008Z

Poor old Albert Einstein!

The list of mathematical mysteries awaiting his return from the loonybin is growing and growing.

None of the rest of us is a comparable internationally famous genius, but we can see the makings of yet another mathematical conundrum.

According to press reports Essex County Council is planning to follow us down the IBM / SAP crevasse, and guess how much they expect to save?

£200 million!!!!

What are the chances of that? With three times the population of Somerset (and three times the budget), they are going to save exactly the same amount!

Of course it is always possible that Essex did actually do one of those Business Case things, perhaps even in advance of the decision to go down the route of chaotic innovation (or should that be "innovative chaos"?). It's also possible that they have got a load of sums and evidence and whatever that could explain the £200 million.

It's possible.

Still Sapping Somerset

2009-06-29T07:01:00.006Z

If Bullying is the hallmark of Excellence in Somerset, then surely SAP must be its pinnacle. An enterprise-wide solution (aka "a Problem in Disguise") costing tens of millions of pounds, being managed by a foreign body, is held up as the ultimate achievement of the Excellence Years (2003-2009).

So it was a bit of a disappointment to be joined by someone claiming to be a "School Bursar" when we were discussing it down at the Dog & Duck last night.

A growing number of regulars work for organisations who are owed money by SAP but have not been paid, ("it's getting silly!" is the sort of facile statement we are having to put up with from ignorant yokels who do contracting or whatever for the Council).

'You think you've got problems,' said the Bursar, 'schools haven't been able to reconcile SIMS to SAP since the beginning of the year!'

'Huh?' chorused the ignorant yokels.

'What's that got to do with how I'm supposed to pay my wages tomorrow?' yelled some lout from the bar.

'What's a SIM?' asked Daffer.

'SIMS' the Bursar corrected him. 'It's the schools' management system, what we do our accounts on.'

Now, if Albert Einstein were still with us, he would have understood immediately. But for the rest of us, this poor Bursar chappie had to spell it out before we would allow him to go back to drowning his sorrows at the bar.

It seems that the County spends most of our money (hundreds of millions a year, in fact) through schools, and the schools all do their own budgeting. Now, due to the SAP débâcle, none of them can check that they've got it right this year, and if they haven't .... well they won't find out about it until it's too late anyway.

None of which will explain how SAP's creditors are supposed to pay their wages this week ... :-(

What the SAP ...

2009-06-17T18:54:00.019Z

... is all this about?

Blaming computers for staff stress and political change in Somerset?

And can't any of these techies speak English?

More gobbly-gook here.

A farewell to Excellence?

2009-06-15T07:38:00.002Z

It has been pointed out to us that without Bullying we may also have to say au revoir (sorry, that should read “adieu”, get it right Duck!) to our old friend Excellence.

As for whatever it was that would have lain “Beyond Excellence”, well without the Bully Boys to tell us we’ve reached it, that will return to the realms of Scientific Impossibility. (Hey! Maybe that will speed Albert Einstein’s return from the Loony Bin! Ed.)

You see, as we have hinted in the past (but not properly explained – yet), there is an inextricable link between Excellence and Bullying in Somerset. It’s to do with these people from London and Brussels and places like that, who send little men called “inspectors” to Somerset. We’ll get Carla to explain how it works – next time she is in Somerset.

Meanwhile, we just hope that the new members will realise that the ignorant yokels won’t even notice if they shed the plus, or even a star or two. In fact, if it means more resources for libraries, PMCs, roads, achievement, care, etc. …. then we may actually welcome it!

A farewell to Bullying?

2009-06-08T06:38:00.005Z

When new Leader Ken Maddock interviews Jonesy later on today, we hope he will make one thing, above all others, absolutely clear.

There must be no more bullying at SCC. No bullying of staff, and certainly no bullying of Councillors.

You see, the recently consulted electorate has a right to expect its representatives to ask questions of senior managers - however “unhelpful” such questions are considered to be.

We also have a right to expect that our representatives can ask questions without fear of incurring a trawl of the thousands of SCC employees to see whether they might have ever said, done or thought anything that anyone could possibly consider to be inappropriate, unhelpful, rude, exasperated, or downright despairing.

Not many people on God's Earth could survive such a trawl unscathed, and unless Ken gets this straight right from the start, then we really did waste our time at the booths on Thursday.

Thanks Ken!

Cultural Bullying?

2009-06-05T06:15:00.006Z

Now that the elections are all over, the landlord is allowing us to post again. Hurray!

So … regardless of who wins the elections (party-wise that is), we feel that the issue of Bullying ought to be addressed by the new members. You see, down at the Dog & Duck we agree with Sir Chris Clarke that this sort of thing is a bit unhealthy, and really shouldn’t be allowed.

Some of the latest raw material can be found in this article, which needs reading ...

Expect more on bullying from the Dog & Duck in coming weeks, drawing on the archives and personal experiences of the regular and casual clientèle.

Election Special

2009-05-23T11:38:00.010Z

Now, as you know we are not allowed to do "Politics" (as in parties and what-not), but we are allowed to invite our fellow yokels to print out the above poster and to ask their candidates to sign up to the Dog & Duck Principles.

These are fairly basic really, and should be accessible to ANY candidate worth voting for, whatever their party (even members of the "bring your own bottle" party and other tight gits).

The Dog & Duck principles are:-

1. No Spin;

2. No Bull;

3. No Sh1t;

4. No Lies (or any variation thereof);

5. No Bullying (not even of Councillors);

6. If it ain't broke, don't screw it up (however fashionable it may be to do so);

7. If it is broke, don't pretent it ain't broke;

etc.

In respect of the seventh principle, we hope that the new members will realise that we may be simple, but we are not stupid, and can actually be quite forgiving really!

SAP it?

2009-05-20T19:25:00.005Z

We’re having trouble understanding why everyone is getting their knickers in a twist about the SAP.

It’s only a computer system, after all, and the Council’s computer systems seem to be up and down like a tart’s … er, well … a lot anyway. Every time you ‘phone one of those infamous 0845 numbers about anything these days, they always seem to say ‘sorry love, the computers are down’, before explaining that in any case they can’t do anything for anyone about anything, because even though they’ve recorded everything about everyone, they haven’t yet been told anything about anything.

OK, so maybe SAP doesn’t have a great track record elsewhere, but nowhere else is “the best on the planet”, is it?

Also, no-one else can boast the resourcing that “the best on the planet” is able to provide. Take the Council Tax. It went up by 2.7%, against inflation of 0.5%. Even in Albert Einstein’s (hopefully temporary) absence, we can still work out that this means an extra £4,294,114 to spend on SAP (190,000 taxpayers, average tax of £1,027.30, 2.2% margin over inflation).

And if you add the £4,000,000 they’ve saved by cuts to libraries, roads, achievement, care, the PMC, etc., then that is WELL OVER £8,000,000 to spend on flying in armies of Bangalori analysts and programmers to work furiously in Taunton basements.

All this, of course, is in addition to the efforts of the “SuperUsers”, who swoop up and down the corridors of County Hall, capes swirling, fingers gliding over keyboards and elsewhere, soothing digital distress.

And as if that were not enough, there are all those key managers wandering around monitoring progress, logging disasters and having meetings in a place they call the War Room, about keys and other essential “issues around” security and data and stuff like that. Meetings have a proven track record of coming up with evidence of Excellence in the face of reality, and we are confident that the keys are being well managed.

Remember also that these guys are used to managing on the brink of chaos – according to Jonesy’s presentations around the world, they’ve been doing it for years.

So there may be a bit more confusion around than usual, but luckily we are dealing with committed partners here, so where’s the problem?

Best in the Country?

2009-05-11T06:37:00.007Z

Not quite "Bratislava", but last week an independent outside observer said that "... Somerset is the best performing county in the country ..." thanks to Jonesy.

Now a year ago, the same chap was demanding a public apology from the Audit Commission for labelling his own Council "the worst in the country". (Liverpool Daily Post, Feb 9 2008).

Anyone else could be forgiven for becoming rather confused at this stage. But even without Albert Einstein to guide us, the regulars have a genius for seeing through fog and confusion to identify the intelligent solution.

In this case it is rather obvious: Jonesy simply goes back to Liverpool (taking Simon with him), and bingo ...

Within weeks the Audit Commission would be forced into a regrading and inventing a new accolade. Something like "Worst on the Planet" should do it!

Allez Jim! Go Doug!

2009-05-09T20:22:00.004Z

In the week that Somerset achieved its latest accolade: a well-deserved mention in the “Rotten Boroughs” section of Private Eye (“vindictive campaign backfires”); and Dog & Duck regulars achieved previously unimagined depths of despair; a bit of good news came in from – of all places – You Tube!

The latest “SCC – politico-administrative disaster area” video was, potentially, yet another wrench to the already pummelled gut of Joe Public. We saw it just before closing time on Friday evening. It had been up less than twelve hours, but had already been viewed more than 100 times!

At first even the battle-hardened regulars were shocked at just how rude and disrespectful Simon (£4 million) Clifford was to Mr. Buchanan.

‘Well, b*gger it Duck,’ said Pat, ‘just exactly who is supposed to be smearing who?’

‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Daff, ‘wind back a minute … that looked like our Jim!’

‘You’re dead right, Daff!’ said I, ‘and the other one’s Doug!’

Well, how about that for a turn up? At least one, maybe two representatives from Dog & Duck country apparently showing public support for Paul van Buitenen! (sorry, meant to say “Buchanan” – Freudian slip).

So it’s not just Sir Chris Clarke making a stand then. And the landlord was totally made up (Jim’s a mate of his) - so much so that he allowed us to write this post, which almost strays into the forbidden realms of “Politics”.

See the complete video here.

Maybe they’re not all a bunch of lily-livered lemmings! Maybe we will bother to vote after all!

And anyway - we're a County, not a "Borough".

And they expect us to bother to vote?

2009-05-08T07:31:00.008Z

Hard to believe, but some of the regulars were approached by electioneering types yesterday.

Apparently there is this thing called a "Council Election" coming up, and a bunch of them were out there with their clipboards and surveillance footage. They were trying to persuade the ignorant yokels to get out of bed on some day next month to go down and vote for a new Councillor.

Meanwhile - and believe this or not, as you wish ... one of the regulars is actually a "leading light" of a high-powered local organisation. She was able to confirm that there is in fact an election coming up soon, as it was mentioned at a meeting of this particular body. There was an issue, you see, over something the Council was supposed to be doing (no! not filling in potholes on the roads - we've given up on that one!).

It seems that one board member suggested that now would be a good time to raise the issue with the relevant Councillor, given that there was this election coming up. The suggestion was greeted with derisive hooting and snorting, and a scornful 'you don't seriously think the Councillors run that place do you?'

As the Dog & Duck is most definitely a secret society (Landlord's rule 1), our colleague was obliged to say nothing throughout this exchange (which became quite heated by all accounts). However, she did tell us all about it last night, in a discussion about the depths to which the expectations of Somerset residents have plunged over the past few years.

The discussion was prompted by this article about how the Buchanan saga has been allowed to drag on YET AGAIN, and how the ruling Junta has managed to drag Sir Chris Clarke into the fray. Now, he's one we HAVE heard of. He was leader of the Council in the days when the politicians were in charge. They even had a word for it. Let me see ... oh yes! "Democracy" they called it.

Down at the Dog & Duck we have another term for it. We call it "the good old days".

Best on the Planet?

2009-04-27T06:20:00.005Z

Many thanks to the CHUM agent who sent us a link to this story about some place called “Bratislava” in a country called “Slovakia”.

Hearing the word “Bratislava” (trans. “Best on the Planet” Ed.), the ignorant yokels thought that we were talking about a primary school built on the side of a Volcano! How about that for proving their Council is right, and that they are only fit for local jobs? At best.

Luckily, the Dog & Duck core team is rather more cosmopolitan, and was able to look up “Slovakia” on Google, discovering that it is in fact a place right in the middle of Europe (formerly linked to another place once referred to as “a far away place”).

‘Einstein territory …’ Pat observed, prompting a moment’s silence to respect the memory of the sanity of our friend and former Excellence Analyst, Albert.

‘That’s not a proper country,’ announced Daffer, ‘it hasn’t even got a coastline!’

Anyway, whoever these strange foreigners are, it seems that someone claiming to be our Jonesy was helping them to deal with something called “the Global Fiscal Crisis” last week.

We eventually concluded that it had to be an imposter, since Jonesy has been far too busy at the SAP helpdesk to go swanning off up the Danube (with or without a paddle).

Also, the slideshow purporting to be his was far too sober (no colour for example), and devoid of the Excellence Delusion.

But there is an intriguing reference to “Managing on the edge of chaos” …. that certainly rang a bell! (Yes! He's back! But for how long this time?)

GUTTED!

2009-04-23T21:24:00.004Z

We have just come across this - Mr. Liddell Grainger's latest speech about Wonderland.

Everyone is agreed. This is NOT FUNNY.

Yet another serious sense of humour failure is blighting the Dog & Duck, thanks to Jonesy's shower.

Daffer is on the warpath with a filleting knife. Normally it's used for fish when he's at sea, but he would like to make it clear that if half of what ILG says is true, then it will work perfectly well "for that little squirt that I'm ashamed to share a name with ..."

Off yer Bike!

2009-04-18T10:42:00.011Z

There seems to be a desperate scramble to find genuine (as opposed to "Excellent") savings in Taunton. Withdrawing all national newspapers from Somerset libraries will save the equivalent of 0.25% of the cost of running the Council's spin machine, but who are the victims this time?

The geriatric lobby is already up in arms (hardly surprising to those of us who recall rows of pensioners busy reading the things on a daily basis).

The tight gits will have to buy their own now!

But what about jobseekers?

A spokesman for SCC said that the council will continue to provide local newspapers (big deal - most of them are free anyway! Ed.) "to give everybody access to job adverts".

However, a spokesman for the Dog & Duck said that it is not appropriate for the County Council to assume that Somerset people are only good enough for local jobs, and that a lot of young people, in particular, are prepared to travel outside the area to find work.

'Tis strange how often bikes are in the frame these days ....

Somerset Bull in America

2009-04-15T18:15:00.008Z

The SAP is rising.

We know this to be the case (despite the efforts of certain other SomerBloggers) as one of the regulars cut down a birch tree this week, and the stuff was glugging out of the stump like one of Jonesy's [CENSORED].

However, even if the forest bureaucrats' idiotic 5 tonnes per quarter rule didn't mean that people are forced to cut down trees at the wrong time of the year, we would still be quietly confident that the SAP was rising all around us.

And nowhere more so than in Taunton. Even if it is costing hundreds of PMCs.

We know this from an American visitor to the Dog & Duck, who was asking about Organisational Terrorists and Institutional Chauvinists and the Spirit of Partnership being weaker than the Spirit of Independence.

We were gobsmacked, I can tell you! But it seems that Bull is a two-way street, and that Jonesy delivered Somerset's revenge to a bewildered audience in Washington DC only last month!

Anyway, apart from repeating all our old favourites about his war on Terror and Chauvinistic neighbours and uncooperative Districts, Jonesy also told the Yanks that the SAP would definitely rise on time this year.

Sort of like King Canute in reverse.

Unbelievably, he also provided us with YET ANOTHER figure for savings from the SouthWest One adventure!!! This time it is £191,000,000 (still over £1,000 per taxpayer, but still not adding up to £17,000,000 + 140,000,000).

There was also the usual world class torrent of transformation and reframing, and even the question "what's beyond excellence?" Apparantly, at this point some guy yelled out from the back of the Hall, "It's the Dog & Duck blog, Stupid, everyone knows that!"

See the complete Washington DC show here.

[NB if the Forces of Excellence get to it before you and have the thing removed from public view (like they did with 'American Bull in Somerset'), then email the Dog and Duck for a copy. Free of Charge as ever!]

The Peat Moors Centre (£25,000)

2009-04-07T09:06:00.001Z

You have to understand the Dog & Duck to realise why it has taken a while to get around to this one.

You see, we are just a bunch of ordinary Somerset folk, all ages, sizes and trades: teachers, grandparents, parents, former schoolkids etc.

Which is why hearing that the County Council was going to close the Peat Moors Centre (PMC) in order to save £25,000 (6th item on the list in the linked document) came like a kick in the stomach / bollocks / kidneys / all of the above.

Even now – months later, talk of the PMC causes choking throats and swollen eyes.

Many of the regulars have kids who used to love going to the place on school trips. Some of them are young enough to have actually done it themselves – they still talk about getting airsick as the bus bounced along the road from the A39 to the PMC (a definite candidate for the worst maintained public road in the South West).

Even outsiders like Carla Young were appalled, saying “but you’re lucky to have the moors, you should be celebrating them, not closing the place down!”

Is there ANY good news at all in this sorry, sorry tale? Well, the only thing we can think of is that it provides an alternative currency, or yardstick against which to judge the sordid mess they’ve got us into.

A few examples ... If 1 PMC = £25,000, then that makes:

The cost of Jonesy’s mistress? 6 PMCs

The cost of Jonesy’s post? 7 PMCs

The cost of marketing Excellence? 160 PMCs

The cost of ICElandish Excellence? 1,000 PMCs

It’s enough to make grown men vomit.

So it WAS all lies :-(

2009-04-04T18:00:00.023Z

Doom & Gloom at the Dog & Duck.

In fact it's been quiet ever since the Council Tax bills arrived. Far from the cuts we were confidently expecting, they have actually put the tax UP for the fiscal year just starting.

This, despite the fact that they spent the second half of last year swanking about how they had been making savings of £2,889 per taxpayer (and that was before the Americans started making out that the savings from their little adventure were going to be pretty much double what Jonesy originally claimed). And despite the admission last October that they were sitting on a cash mountain of more than £5,000 per taxpayer.

Unable, perhaps, to break the habit of 5 years (or however long it is since Jonesy arrived), they even had the cheek to CONGRATULATE themselves for putting the Council Tax up, of the grounds that it was only by a few percentage points above inflation!

I suppose they couldn't help themselves - it's all that NLP (stuff to do with programming the mind - brought in to create Excellence).

Of course, we wouldn't mind if they were proposing to spend our money on matters of substance. Services for example. But those are being actually CUT.

All in all, it's more than our house style (cheap-and-cheerful, happy-go-lucky) can cope with for the time being.

So while we are trying to adapt to the changed circumstances, why not have a look at this delightfully silly little video about the Duck & Dog?

Somerset to Launch Space Mission!

2009-03-05T17:36:00.009-01:00

The trouble with eye-catching headlines is that there's always someone who will read the underlying article.

Take this one, that we have already commented on. Rather appropriate to re-visit the topic on the day that most of South Somerset ground to a halt due to uncleared snow - YET AGAIN!

Remember how Daffer Jones asked for a calculator a few days back? He was looking at this press release, and started going on about how he'd found the most idiotic claim ever to come out of SCC's £4million per year spin machine ... "an absolute whopper!"

"Look," said Daff, "go on the SCC website, and find statistics."

"OK," I said.

"Right, and so what is the surface area of Somerset?"

"Well, it says here 3,452 square kilometres, but that's the 2001 figure, it's probably grown since Jonesy arrived."

"Sod that," growled Daffer, "now look at what they said about the 'excellent', 'dedicated', 'fantastic' and 'amazing' job they did on the snow."

“We’ve treated in excess of 40,000 sq km with salt in the last week." I read.

"Right," said Daffer, handing me the calculator, "and what's 40,000 divided by 3,452?"

"er, 11 point five eight seven four eight five five one ..."

"all right, all right," Daffer interrupted, "so to any normal person that means they claimed to have coated the whole county in salt twelve times that week, OK?"

"Yeah ... so?"

"That's the ENTIRE SURFACE AREA of the county, TWELVE TIMES OVER, you idiots, not just the A & B roads, but ALL the roads, plus all the fields, the moors, the forests, EVERYTHING. TWELVE TIMES OVER!"

"Bloody Hell, Daff, you're right, that includes all the countryside and everything ..." I said, finally realising what he was on about.

"And all the gardens and driveways too ..." said Pat helpfully.

"Not to mention all the hills and beaches," said someone else.

"And even the Salt Marshes!" added the landlord, shaking his head in wonderment. He normally keeps out of these things but was now finally beginning to comprehend the enormity of the, er, lie(?).

"That's right," said Daff, "and twelve times over, and in just one week."

Who needs Albert Einstein when you've got a sailor with "O" Level maths at the bar?

American Bull in Somerset

2009-02-24T19:10:00.008-01:00

Being a pretty adventurous bunch ourselves, the Dog & Duck team have, I think you will all agree, been pretty slow to criticise the SouthWestOne adventure.

After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).

So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.

Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).

However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.

[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]

If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".

The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:

"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."

Blimey!

That rules out any scope for "rounding differences" (as in £140,000,000 + £17,000,000 = £200,000,000 ... rounding to one significant figure, an extremely significant figure in Somerset, as it happens).

It's a good job Albert Einstein is in an old-fashioned straightjacket and receiving regular doses of ECT - 'cos heaven alone knows what he'd make of this lot!

Einstein Mental State Deteriorating

2009-02-23T10:45:00.003-01:00

Me and Daff went to visit poor old Albert in the loonybin yesterday. The old git is still in a catatonic state and repeating over and over again: “Lies! Lies! It vas all LIES!”

Later on, back at the Dog & Duck, we went over the events that led up to Al’s nervous breakdown.

“Well of course it’s all lies,” said Pat, “that’s what our £4million pays for. The truth would speak for itself. It’d not be value for our money if all they did was repeat it, would it like?”

“Hang on a second,” said Daffer Jones, “pass me that calculator.”

Now when an old salt like Daffer asks for a calculator, you know something is up. Last year he tore a strip off some young whippersnapper who dared to ask if he used GPS when he was at sea….

“We’ve missed one!” he said, “an absolute whopper, the biggest one of all!”

And we had, too.

Worse than 140,000,000 + 17,000,000 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference)

Worse than 0.53 x 190,000 x 52 x 3 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference plus an issue around where to put the decimal point)

Much worse….

Public Sector Transformation Confusion

2009-02-16T09:50:00.004-01:00

As we’ve already discussed, this week our Chief Executive Alan Jones will be showing off to the “2nd annual Public Sector Transformation Summit 2009”.

Down at the Dog and Duck, “Public Sector Transformation”, like “Beyond Excellence” itself, has become synonymous with Somerset’s very own home-grown Philosophical System: Confusionism.

We would welcome questions about Confusionism from anyone attending Jonesy’s Stream 5 tomorrow.

One recurring stream is Mathematical Confusionism. Albert Einstein, until he had a nervous breakdown trying to understand Jonesian Mathematics, was finally beginning to make some headway on this difficult topic.

Sadly, as of last week, he is no longer with us. This is because he failed to understand how it is that the answer to every question in Somerset could be “£200 million”.

Before his departure, Albert’s last words (if that is the right way to describe the constant stream of gibberish that was coming out of him as the ambulance took him away) indicated that we should not look to Science to explain Public Sector Transformation in Somerset.

Well, bless him; we’ve known for ages that it is more an Art than a Science. Or maybe it’s a Religion – given that Faith seems to be central to understanding it.

Anyway Alan will be revealing all tomorrow, and certain privileged people (Londoners, sadly, no room for us locals up there) will have an opportunity to ask some public questions about things like:

- Organisational Terrorists
- Institutional Chauvinists
- Chief Executives (Mistresses’) Pay (-Offs) (£140,000)
- Jonesian Mathematics (£200million)
- The Axis of Bull (£4million)

and so on. Alan will then be able to explain how these phenomena relate to the way in which he has sought to inflict Confusionism on us here in Somerset.

Finally, remember Carla? She went back to London after the weekend (she works there, as a Public Sector Transformer). I forgot to ask if she is going to the Lancaster Gate Summit, but if she does, you can be sure that she will have a thing or two to say to our Jonesy.

Watch out for the Ladies Alan!

Einstein suffers apoplectic fit

2009-02-13T11:28:00.011-01:00

SCC’s £4million per year spin machine seems determined to give our auditor a nervous breakdown.

Apparently the Executive Committee doesn’t know about the hundreds of millions of pounds in savings that Jonesy & Co. have been announcing, and are actually proposing to put the Council Tax UP!

Unlike the rest of the regulars down the Dog n’ Duck (who are still confidently expecting a decrease of £100+), Albert was not actually surprised by this. That’s because he never believed all that stuff, and even refused to sign up to our summary.

The bit he took exception to this time went as follows:

“For a typical Band D household the increase will be just 53p extra per week … For such a small amount of extra money from each household the Council is able to plan over £200 million of investment in key services such as roads, schools and social care over the next three years.”

[There it is again! That famous £200million! SCC’s favourite number! Ed.]

Anyway, according to the SCC website there are 190,000 households in the county. And according to Albert Einstein, 0.53x52x190,000x3 does not equal 200,000,000.

“Zis time it is out by more zan a factor of 10!” He squawked at the bar last night.

“So what?”, said Daffer (who’s got the maths “O” Level, remember), “That just means they’ve put the decimal point in the wrong place again.”

“But zis is not “investment”, it is “running costs”, zey can NOT use such language…” said Albert. “It is misleading, nein! it is vorse, it is FRAUD!”

Now, when an accountant who also happens to be a famous mathematical genius uses the “F” word, people notice. Especially in a popular local pub that hasn’t even been shut down yet.

Which is how Carla Young came to join in the conversation, and ended up talking about “Excellence” into the small hours, long after the men in white coats had turned up to haul poor old Albert off to the local nuthouse.

A very interesting young lady, Carla - believe it or not she just happens to be a Public Sector Transformer from London who has recently moved into our area.

What a coincidence!

Somerset Grit Makes Planes Fly

2009-02-11T08:44:00.010-01:00

Yes, it's official!

Forget biofuels, aeroplanes leaving Bristol airport are flying on Somerset Salt.

"So that's what they've bloody done with it," growled Daffer Jones, fresh from his encounter with the ditch beside the hedge on the far side of the B road at the end of the Black Run that starts outside the Dog & Duck.

"Ach so ... but how can you measure circumference using ze unit of square kilometres?" said Albert Einstein, our auditor, who is an internationally famous mathematician. Away with the fairies as usual, our Albert.

"Look Albert," I said, with some exasperation, "they spend £4million a year telling us what a good job they're doing...." (Sorry, I did of course mean an "excellent, dedicated, fantastic and amazing" job. And too many people undervalue it, which is why SCC breaking news has to find room for all these adjectives in the same sentence.)

"... and for that kind of money, if they say the circumference of the earth is 40,000 square kilometres then it's good enough for me."

Snow Crisis!

2009-02-06T07:00:00.006-01:00

This is the scene outside Somerset's Dog & Duck Inn at 7.30 a.m. this morning, just after the discovery that all schools in the area are being closed due to "adverse weather".

The white stuff you can see is milk. Our intrepid milkman has been and gone. But if you look really carefully you can see some more white stuff on the top bar of the gate. This is not spilt milk - it is the snow that has brought Somerset to a standstill. Again!

The temperature is already an "icy" 3 degrees ABOVE zero, which everywhere else in the world would mean that the little dusting of snow you can see is melting as we watch. The wind is coming in at a mere 15 mph (admittedly it is coming from the North).

Daffer Jones, bless him, is still in bed (he always lies in when he's not at sea). This is just as well, as the Council's pathetic failure to keep the infrastructure open on Tuesday reduced him to tears.

"What would happen if there was a proper emergency?" he asked.

Snow humility in Somerset!

2009-02-03T12:37:00.004-01:00

Less snow than anywhere else in the country, but just as much disruption.

Other counties are closing hundreds of schools as well, you can read all about it on their websites. We have to rely on the local press.

13 inches of snow in Surrey. 13mm in Somerset (and melting fast).

The comparisons lead to an obvious conclusion: Pathetic Performance.

How embarassing! I just hope there are no foreigners around to witness it.

Wires Crossed in County Hall?

2009-01-29T15:22:00.012-01:00

Or is it, as Postman (not very PC) Pat suggested, "that lot just ain't wired right!"

The Dog & Duck mailbox has received a link to this astonishing document.

It seems that certain people at SCC have put an awful lot of work into working out CUTS TO SERVICES worth about £4 million!

Our initial observations are twofold. First, why do they need to make cuts when they have spent the last six months going on about how they have saved hundreds of millions of pounds? (And most of them thanks to SouthWest One, which, unlike some SomerBloggers, we have scrupulously avoided criticising - so far!)

... Give SouthWest One a chance, we told ourselves. Perhaps it is true that it is going to save us £200million ....

Anyway, our second observation is more of a question. The £4million hit-list targets things like "community", "care", "achievement", "transport" ... even "drainage" and "ditch clearance" (we thought they'd given up on that years ago, despite all the flooding we get!).

So, they are planning to cut things that we need, and care about. If they really want to make cuts in spite of all the savings, and in spite of the fact that they are sitting on A BILLION POUNDS of our money ... Why don't they get rid of the £4million spin department?

Sorry for all the links in today's post, but some serious inconsistencies are beginning to appear. We only hope this does not mean that the "it's all lies" faction have been right all along ....

Einstein confirms Iceland losses

2009-01-24T09:24:00.016-01:00

SCC has its own version of the Dog & Duck. They call it the "Scrutiny Committee" and it met on 6th January 2009.

As a gesture of solidarity, we bought them each a calculator for Christmas, using the extra money that we're going to have thanks to the massive reduction in Somerset council tax expected this year. And it looks like it worked, too! This is what the committee was told:

the £25m had been invested as 5 separate deposits of £5m each

i.e. 5x5=25!

Not even Albert Einstein could argue with that one, even if he is too thick to understand that 140+17=200.

Daffer Jones, who knows all about sailing close to the wind in the North Atlantic, said that he wouldn't have been surprised if there had been 25 deposits of £5million each.

After all, using Jonesy's innovative mathematical methods (patented by IBM), this might also come to a mere £25 million.

Smug in Somerset

2009-01-19T08:25:00.005-01:00

Ha! Everyone else is going to have an increase in their Council Tax of 3.5%, but not here in Somerset.

That's because we have an "Excellent" council that announced more than half a billion pounds worth of savings in the second half of last year.

Down at the Dog & Duck we await the arrival of our Council Tax bills with quiet confidence this year, despite having spent all our money on christmas presents to help the economy.

Here in Somerset we call it "the Excellence dividend".

Excellent Savings!

2008-12-18T17:30:00.014-01:00

As promised, here is the Official Dog & Duck Summary of all the savings we’ve noticed the Council announcing since we started taking an interest (less than six months ago). In fact, just today, here they are at it AGAIN!!

By our reckoning, before long they will be paying us to live here!

Unfortunately, like the Council, we are having problems with our auditor.

Audit Report

Our auditor, Albert Einstein, is currently in no position to issue any sort of coherent report on this summary. This is entirely his own fault, for insisting on trying to comply with trivial and irrelevant rules such as: the Laws of Nature, Logic, the Law of Gravy, Prudence (whoever she is), and others that we can’t pronounce. Let alone spell.

Before we pressed the “publish post” button on the blog, he was heard muttering something like “Nein, Nein Dumbkopf! You are double counting, and it does not vork like zat anyvay!”

However, every single one of these numbers has been taken from the Council’s own website, or from reputable sources like the TV. We have actually taken care not to do double counting (e.g. procurement savings started off being only £140,000,000 and then got raised to £150,000,000 so we put in £140,000,000 and £10,000,000, NOT £140,000,000 and £150,000,000, which would have given us a far better figure, but would have been double counting).

As a matter of fact, WE were the ones that suggested that the Council originally raised the procurement figure from £140m to £150m because they realised that even if 150+17 does not come to 200, at least it comes closer than 140+17.

Daffer, who happens to have “O” Level Maths, even suggested helpfully that 150+17 might be 167, and that this (using technical terms such as “one significant figure” and “rounding”) was the same as 200.

At this, Albert just flew off the handle yelling “Illogical, illogical! Nein … vorse than illogical, WRONG!”

Anyway, the point is, there is a deadline that was set 2,000 years ago and cannot be changed. Christmas is nearly upon us and all we know is that the Council has been going on and on about saving hundreds of millions of pounds, without bothering with explanations. This is an important time of year for household budgets. People need to have some idea of what all these big numbers mean for their Council Tax, so they know how much they have left to spend on presents.

These are special circumstances and we have done our best. OK?

Incompetent Auditors?

2008-12-15T19:50:00.019-01:00

More in hope than expectation, we had a quick look at the latest minutes of the Excellent Audit Committee last night.

You see, these were the minutes of the first meeting of this committee since Somerset County Council achieved its latest distinction. That is, the National Award for tossing away more taxpayers' money in Iceland than any other LibDem run Council in the whole country.

In fact, they threw away two-and-a-half times more than their closest rival for this prestigious trophy. The runners up, Cambridge, only lost a measly nine million - even less than the Audit Commission.

Needless to say there was no hint of apology or humble pie or embarassment. In fact once again there was absolutely no mention of Iceland at all.

There was, however, an astonishing crypto-criticism of ... wait for it ... the very same Audit Commission!

It went like this "... both Members and Officers expressed disappointment that the external auditors findings had been received in such proximity to the 30 September deadline ..."

Apparently this meant that " ... the nature of the discussion at the September meeting could have create (sic.) a poor perception if members of the public had been in attendance ..."

Hmm. A poor perception of what, exactly? Are they trying to say it's a good job none of us ignorant yokels were at the meeting, because they did something wrong, and the auditors actually noticed? That would be a first!

Anyway, before anyone starts cracking jokes about Enron and Ponzi Schemes, let us commiserate with the poor old Council. That's because down at the Dog & Duck we are having problems with our own auditor.

All we are trying to do is a simple summary of all the savings announced by SCC this year, and set out a broad overview of what they mean for the average Council Tax payer. It's not finished yet, but is a real proper job exercise, with a spreadsheet and everything.

Meanwhile Albert Einstein (our auditor) is still tearing his hair out because he reckons 17+140 does not equal 200, and is being a general pain in the arse. However, we will publish it this week. That's a promise. Audit or no audit.

Excellent Complaints Management

2008-12-08T13:11:00.006-01:00

One thing that has long taxed the (limited) intellectual resources of the Dog n' Duck is how the Forces of Excellence are able to claim that they get so few complaints. However over the weekend a CHUM agent was so incensed by the censorship issue that they leaked us a copy of this spreadsheet. It is self explanatory, and just reinforces what we suspected all along!

Videos – Don't Panic!

2008-12-05T12:17:00.009-01:00

Whoever drew up the Human Rights Act obviously had no regard for the needs of people who have spent the whole week in County Hall, reading extraordinary emails then going around in circles and banging their heads against the wall in despair.

Otherwise there would be an additional “right”, namely to a bit of light relief at the weekends, watching the latest video about their tormentors on YouTube.

This weekend, when Les Miserables click on their favourites to have another look at Ian Liddell Grainger’s famous video about their plight, they will see the words … "This video has been (censored)"

The same applies to all the others as well. Even the most innocuous ones (the ones that we liked best, incidentally).

Luckily the legendary County Hall Underground Movement (CHUM) was tipped off in advance. Hey! Maybe by Simon? That would be in keeping with the Matt Finnegan / Tony Parrish tradition.

Anyway, as a result someone was able to download most of the videos before C-day, and re-post them on another site (presumably offshore) called vimeo.com.

Here is our selection.

First, there is everyone’s favourite – the firing squad in a quarry (subtitled: “why no-one waved a red flag about the issue ").

Then there is the one about chaotic innovation … which includes the infamous words that inspired the folks down the Dog n’ Duck to start taking an interest.

We also like Bugs Bunny & the Jackass.

Some of the others can be found there as well, but as you know, we don’t do Sex or Politics down at the Dog n’ Duck. We are “strictly business”.

So … your weekend has been saved!

Public Apology to communities team

2008-12-05T09:06:00.005-01:00

A group claiming to represent people of Gypsy/Roma heritage recently contacted the Dog n’ Duck. They told us that the Somerset “Gypsy & Traveller Team” was in no way Excellent, and was, in fact, "doing a fe**ing good job”.

We promised to publicise this, and to link to a story about Somerset on a “Romany” website that they told us about …. but due to distractions around bullying and censorship it got overlooked. And in a display of utter incompetence (it wasn’t me, it was the Dog!) we have now lost the link.

However we would like to apologise for the delay in bringing it up, and to confirm our belief that this story on the Council’s own website is in fact true.

And, before you ask, no - we are not “only saying it” because they don’t mention Excellence.

Not even once!

CENSORED!

2008-12-04T07:33:00.006-01:00

Down at the Dog n' Duck we are all hoping that Jonesy has gone to the same place as those disappearing videos on YouTube.

(NB - don't despair! A few days ago we noticed that someone had made a little collection of some of the videos and has posted them on another site - we are checking our browser's "history" to find out where, and will post the link when we find it. At the time Daffer Jones said something must be up. His voyages have taken him to many places where there is censorship, so he picked up on the vibe before the rest of us.)

Let us be clear: we did NOT approve of the videos. At least, not all of them.

But some were very topical. Especially the one with the firing squad in the quarry. I remember when Jonesy ordered that execution - we were all delighted. She was a real bitch.

However, one does have to wonder how much of our money the Council is spending on censorship. Presumably they will see it as money well spent, since without censorship there would be no Excellence.

Would there?

Where has Jonesy Gone?

2008-12-02T18:32:00.004-01:00

The latest two TV programmes about Excellence (this one and the BBC effort on "cyber-bullying" a week earlier) show an astonishing shift in Policy. Jonesy, once so prominent in swanking to broadcasters, is nowhere to be seen or heard!

One must assume that the County Council has finally seen the light, and realised that Jonesy is a total liability in the presence of a camera or a microphone. Of course, down at the Dog n' Duck we consider him to be more of a comic genius than a liability, but then, we don't have to explain to the electorate what he has been up to. At least, not with a straight face.

Unfortunately, the Councillors seem to have decided to put themselves in the firing line (well that brave chap, Sam Crabb, has been doing so). This is bad news indeed, because:

(1) Councillor Crabb has an understandable but unfortunate tendency to look embarassed when being made to clutch meaningless trophies or spout idiotically large numbers that not even Albert Einstein can understand. It's hard for the audience to laugh and cringe at the same time;
(2) Councillor Crabb appears not to have been Linguistically Programmed to insert random but relevant phrases into his speech. That is phrases like "we, of course, are a four star (the most you could get before the plus was invented) excellent council as rated by the Audit Commission"; and
(3) The landlord has placed an absolute prohibition on "Political" postings from the Dog n' Duck computer (we even got into trouble for defending the Mogg).

Luckily, before Jonesy was removed from the public eye he showered us with so much bull that we estimate that the Dog n' Duck "explaining Excellence" programme could continue for another 2.75 years purely to clear the backlog. Even if he never said anything to anyone about "Excellence" ever again.

And let's face it - that is hardly likely to happen, is it?

Cyber-bullying (3) - can't get the staff?

2008-11-29T13:14:00.000-01:00

I have to say it is a bit rotten of the County Council to accuse Mogg of making it hard for them to recruit staff, even claiming that candidates for senior posts have withdrawn their applications because of him.

You see, this sounds suspiciously like the makings of a splendid excuse for having incompetent staff, and I think it is unfair on the two latest senior appointees, both of whom seem to be doing a very good job in difficult circumstances.

Between them they have whipped the legal system into line, and brought the BBC firmly on board. This puts ITV on the back foot with their focus on sleazy CEOs and dodgy tactics.

How's that for a triumph of Excellence over expectation?

Cyber-bullying (2) - keep it real!

2008-11-25T21:46:00.000-01:00

Just in case anyone is wondering what all the fuss was about - here is previously unseen footage of the Mogg's repeated vicious and unprovoked attacks on South West One.

Wicked(:-)) pussy! Poor innocent, defenceless baby!

Cyber-bullying – an outsider’s view

2008-11-24T08:47:00.002-01:00

Weird or what? No sooner have we crawled out from under the shield of National Anti-Bullying Week than one of the Somerbloggers comes under the cosh from the County Council and the BBC!

He was an obvious target, I suppose, on account of using his real name. But is ILG (aka “Mogg”) really behind all those blogs and videos? He is certainly not one of the regulars down at the Dog n’ Duck. In fact the landlord is adamant that he has never set foot in the place, saying, “We doesn’t allow Politicians in ‘ere, and you lot would be as well as to remember that!”

Talking of Politicians, one of the Councillors said on TV yesterday that “we only have one detractor”. Hah! Reminds me of when they thought that everything must be OK ‘cos they’d only had three complaints in a year! (We may examine that in more detail at some point.)

Anyway, we outsiders reckon that, as usual, it is all down to Excellence and to Jonesy’s War on Organisational Terror. What we see happening is this:

(1) Potential Organisational Terrorists are pressurised by this chap called Their Conscience “… to divulge Council information to others …”
(2) Now, ideally they would like to divulge it to someone like their Councillor, the Audit Commission, the Union, the Police or whatever.
(3) However, advice from colleagues and independents such as the Dog n’ Duck is simple: don’t do it! It is a waste of time and will be bad for your health, and that of your family.
(4) Anyone foolish enough to discuss their troubled conscience with “a senior manager” will find this message quickly reinforced. Possibly with a P45.
(5) Meanwhile, everyone in County Hall knows about ILG and Mogg. You mention either of them to inmates and the response is either a smile or a frown or blathering hysteria, never a blank look.
(6) Therefore the POT reaches a compromise with that Conscience bloke.
(7) This involves leaking the information to Mogg.
(8) He then ducks, closes his eyes, and stick his fingers in his ears.

You see, for Organisational Terrorists, leaking to Mogg is the Nuclear Option. It should be a last resort, but the exigencies of Excellence mean that for many it is their only resort.

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 5) - precautions

2008-11-21T12:17:00.000-01:00

OK, so you can’t be cured, and you are fully informed. If Organisational Terrorism was easy, no-one would do it, would they? Therefore, the final message of the week is – take sensible precautions.

Pay close attention. Today’s offering from the Dog n’ Duck is longer than usual, but it could literally save your life.

You must invest in essential basic kit. Around £30 will get you a decent MP3 recorder. To put it into perspective, that is not much more than SCC spent on investment advice before slinging £25,000,000 of our money into the North Atlantic.

These devices have powerful microphones that can record anything from intimate conversations to multiple participant meetings in rooms the size of Roger’s office. The microphones are about the size of a pin head, and the whole gadget looks (and works) like one of those memory sticks that office people wear around their necks these days. (Hey – maybe they are all Potential Organisational Terrorists!)

Dangling from your neck like an “ordinary” memory stick is the ideal place for such a device. But if you’re worried (or if you have a stick that flashes to warn everyone that they are recording) then the top pocket of a jacket works perfectly well. They record through cloth, no problem. It helps to keep it high enough to be above any tables or other physical obstructions, but even that is not essential….

…. because, and this is the really clever bit, you can download, free from the web, simple software that magically transforms your recordings. For those of us who learned our spy craft during the Cod War this is truly astonishing. In the old days you ended up with a tape of mush and crackle, with your own voice booming and everyone else’s just a murmur. You had to take this to the Anoraks down in the basement, and they would curse and mutter and spend all night wearing headphones and twiddling knobs to get you an incomplete and often useless transcript.

Nowadays all you do is open the digital recording in your chosen software, and click the button that says something like “clean up sound”. All the mush disappears and the incriminating words from the other side of the room come through loud and clear – you can even recognise whose voices are speaking!

Down at the Dog n’ Duck we have tested this technology extensively. We can assure you that it works and that it is easy to use. We recommend it unreservedly to anyone who works for an Excellent organisation.

Dog n’ Duck HOT TIP! Always use uncompressed formats (e.g. .WAV) for your initial recording. The files are bigger but they are much easier to clean up.

It is particularly useful to have a recording of all those meetings that never took place. That way if you are accused of having dreams, hallucinations or delusions, or even of making things up - you can simply play the recording back to yourself. This is helpful when you have to prove that you are in fact sane, and that the organisation’s groupies are suffering from collective amnesia (a common side effect of Excellence).

Official Dog n’ Duck Legal Advice! – join the Union, that way you might get help if Excellence dictates that you are an Organisational Terrorist and that you must be got rid of.

However, we recognise that some people are too important (or too scaredy-cats!) to join the Union, and so for them …

Dog n’ Duck HOT TIP! You can get personal legal cover with your house insurance, it costs peanuts but can literally save your life.

Employment Lawyers in Somerset are currently charging OTs £235 per hour … plus VAT - which the Excellent organisation can recover, but you can’t (see why we are so anxious to guide people away from Organisational Terrorism? The dice are loaded against you in every little way imaginable.)

So you rack up costs at £2,071 per day while struggling to get out of the slurry pit. Meanwhile the Excellent organisation, which recently admitted that it was sitting on £1,000,000,000 of our money, racks up costs at only £1,762 per day (less any discounts they get as a result of their Excellent Procurement Strategy). Who is going to run out of money first?

Even if you are not remotely interested in perpetrating an Act of Organisational Terror, and are not even on the County Hall POT register, it is wise to take these basic precautions.

And all because, to quote the core message of National Anti-Bullying Week, you never know when you too may be branded an Organisational Terrorist.

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 4) - information

2008-11-20T14:24:00.000-01:00

If you are unable to curb your Terrorist leanings, then you should at least ensure that you are well informed. We have a couple of Former Organisational Terrorists down at the Dog n’ Duck, who are prepared to offer advice free of charge.

It is like counselling – the FOTs ask you all sorts of questions and leave you to draw your own conclusions (yeah right, what kind of “advice” is that? … well, if you are a Potential Organisational Terrorist it’s the best you’re gonna get!).

Anyway, the questions go like this:

(1) Do you want all the rooms at County Hall to fall silent as soon as you walk in?
(2) Do you want half the HR department to suddenly be tasked with a detailed review of your performance?
(3) Do you want to be reported to the Standards Board?
(4) Do you want a Business Re-engineering Consultant to be paid £10,000 for an essay on why the Public Sector Transformation Agenda requires that your job should be given a new title and then given to someone else (who is not on the POT register)?
(5) Do you want your colleagues to be informed, in a solemn voice and with much pursing of lips, that you are being offered “extra training”?
(6) Do you want to put your family through a nightmare likely to result in insanity or poverty affecting current and future generations?

Obviously, for most people the answer to this sort of question is “no”.

That means that most POTs realise that the only sensible course of action is to sit down, shut up, and write out 100 times: “140+17=200, or 210, or 140,000, or whatever Jonesy says it is”.

Because, as a former (District) Councillor told us, “… County Councillors have to be very brave to stick their heads above the parapet in Taunton.”

UNISON sources confirm that the same applies to members of staff (universally referred to as “officers”, even the ones who would barely qualify as “other ranks”!)

But sadly, there will always be some who are too brave, or just too stupid to understand the consequences of failing to control their urges. There is even a charity that has been set up for these very people. It is called Public Concern at Work.

Dog n’ Duck veterans, however, would strongly advise you to have nothing whatsoever to do with this outfit! Experience has shown that they actively encourage you to Terrorise your Organisation, and seek to radicalise you with promises of support and assurances about legal protection. However, once you have actually committed an Outrage, they reckon that their work is done. Then they leave you well and truly in the slurry pit, because the reality is: no-one really gives a shit.

Apart from the cattle of course - otherwise there wouldn’t be a slurry pit.

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 3) - remedies

2008-11-19T07:42:00.000-01:00

So what do you do on discovering that you are a POT? DO NOT DESPAIR!

There are a number of possible cures available, most of which involve joining a satanic cult (which is not as bad as it sounds, and could be quite fun really!). Ordinary witchcraft (wicca) & VooDoo have also been known to help. The HR Department at County Hall will be pleased to advise, not least because it will give them a chance to make sure you are on the POT register.

However, at the end of the day, Organisational Terrorism is like sex. If all else fails you should at least be well informed (Thursday) and take sensible precautions (Friday).

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 2) - diagnosis

2008-11-17T07:43:00.001-01:00

This is a serious week, for a serious subject (Organisational Terror, in case you've forgotten). No jokes.

So today, the regulars down at the Dog n' Duck would like to invite you all to examine the inner workings of your mind, to see whether you too are a Potential Organisational Terrorist.

Statistics have shown that POTs are most likely to be:

(1) recent recruits (watch out for Simon & Meic);
(2) newly elected (check out "question 3");
(3) refugees from the private sector (Yikes! That's the whole of IBM); and
(4) used to working in smaller organisations (Phew. IBM ruled out, our £400 million is safe).

As with drugs, young minds are most vulnerable. This is because they suffer from something called "idealism", also known as illusions. Fortunately Somerset County Council has an award-winning inducktrination program that has a proven track record of turning illusions into delusions.

That program uses the techniques of NLP ("Neuro Linguistic Programming" for those of you who are still not familiar with the inner workings of Excellence) to identify an individual's susceptibility to POTism.

What happens is this. To prepare for your journey, you do all that deep breathing, relaxation, visualisation, envisioning, and self-realisation stuff. Then you allow your mind to range freely over the Strategic Excellence Agenda and Service Delivery Branding Options and all the rest of it.

At this point, if your mind cannot be cleared of doubts and insists on returning to practicalities, and vernacular expressions such as "that ain't right!", then not only are you an ignorant yokel, but you have a problem.

Sorry, I meant "we" have a problem.

"Our" problem is that you are a Terrorist Outrage waiting to happen. There are two options. Either you can get rid of yourself, or you can read the advice being posted later this week.

National Anti-Bullying Week(1) - context

2008-11-17T07:23:00.000-01:00

For five whole days, Organisational Terrorists and those who dare to negotiate with them can breathe easy. Down at the Dog n' Duck we are confident that, between them, Simon & Meic will be able to restrain their superiors' natural urges to "gather evidence" and brandish the P45s. At least until Friday.

And how better to remind ourselves of the problem than in the words of Jonesy himself:

“… there are organizational “terrorists”. These persons may even be in the top team or at the most senior level of the local authority. It is important to get rid of these people …”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice 2007

Good Luck Chaps!

Earth to Kershaw ...

2008-10-31T11:22:00.000-01:00

Perhaps it was naïve, but we did expect to see some mention of investments in the latest Agenda of the Excellent Audit Committee. Down at the Dog & Duck we reckon that a cock-up of Icelandic proportions deserves at least a teeny-weeny little mention.

Under Reports, however, there is a thing called "Risk Management Update".

"Ach sooo! Zey vill haff hidden it here!" Said Albert Einstein confidently (Al's an Accountant, remember, so he knows about this stuff).

Anyway, we clicked away on the Dog & Duck computer, and lo and behold .... nothing. We found all sorts of Excellence, and discovered that SCC has lots of people called "Risk Management Champions", and plenty of other fancy talk and coloured matrices (hey! we can do colour too - look: ICELAND IRELAND ENGLAND).

But on the subject of investments or bank deposits or the like - a truly deafening silence.

However, let it not be said that Roger & Co. have passed up an opportunity to rub our noses in it. For this is the moment they chose to unveil something called the SCC Risk Management Standard, describing it as "a new addition to the Risk Management Toolkit"....

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, counties like Leicestershire have what they call "a prudent investment policy". And in February of this year, North West Leicestershire District Council took £6.5 million out of Icelandic banks, because they thought it wasn't safe.

Now, what was Roger doing back in February 2008? Oh yes, I remember! He was feeding spaghetti to a pirate that had boarded Spaceship Somerset and was forcing everyone worship his monster.

I told you he had balls!

2008-10-29T12:27:00.001-01:00

Just in case anyone thought that Jonesy was considering curtailing his career in pubic squeaking ... just have a look at what he has let himself in for on 17th February 2009!

Now, in case I need to remind anyone, we are paying for all this. So I hope everyone will be taking a close interest in the second ever "Annual Public Sector Transformation Summit".

It has been confirmed that Jonesy will be sharing our experience of "using joint ventures to drive service transformation".

This will involve "determining how JV’s can bring about significant procurement savings", and "exploring the transformation initiatives that have benefited from a joint venture framework".

Hopefully the outcomes will be shared with us, and may help to clear up some of the confusion.

In the meantime, we regulars down at the Dog & Duck will be doing our best to articulate that confusion. Who knows - maybe some Public Sector Transformer will appear at the bar, as if by magic, to inform our debate?

And maybe one or more of the debaters will appear at the Conference in London next February with a few troublesome details for Jonesy to clear up!

Excellent News from Sheffield!

2008-10-23T19:02:00.000Z

It looks like yet another Council was not too busy waffling on about Excellence to do one of those risk assessment things.

Sheffield had £12 million in Iceland, but moved it out a year ago because they thought it was not safe. That would have been around the time Alan was in Venice, going on about getting rid of Organisational Terrorists.

As for me - it looks like I have to eat my words about Northern Councils!

Roger’s Risk Assessment

2008-10-19T09:51:00.000Z

Apparently not all Local Authorities are stupid. Like Somerset, East Northamptonshire Council had a load of cash stashed away in Iceland. Then they did this thing called “a risk management assessment of what was going on.” As a result their Leader was able to say "That means we didn't lose any money.”

What was Roger doing at the time? Oh yes, I remember. He was acting the part of Corporate Director of Resources, which involved

1) faffing about with groundbreaking initiatives;
1a) an enormous paycheck;
2) babbling on about Excellence;
2a) an even bigger paycheck;
3) authorising payments of £140,000;
3a) an absolutely gi-normous paycheck; and
4) Heaven only knows what else
(possibly involving brown envelopes full of £50 notes).

Then of course there was this §151 business. A little bird (naughty little bird!) told me that Roger’s Risk Assessment went something like this:

Christ! There’s all this shit going down in Taunton, and here’s poor little me acting as a §151 officer! And then there are all those things I am supposed to be §151ing. But Alan glares at me just for thinking it. And I can see him thinking and wondering if I’m an Organisational Terrorist and snarling something in my direction about how its time we had a permanent Corporate Director and did I really want to risk seeing the job “advertised externally”? And that is a risk I am not prepared to take so I better just shut up and who needs a business case anyway? So as Alan says I better focus on the big picture and important things like how to write big words in small spaces, like the words “Twenty-Five Million, One Hundred and Forty Thousand Pounds only” in that tiny little space on a Somerset County Council cheque. And if I use a biro there’s less risk to the Council that someone will alter the cheque when it gets lost. And that’s about all of §151 that any actor can take.

Anyway the Guardians and Verifiers of Excellence have also thrown millions away. So Somerset County Council were not the only ones who were too busy with Excellence to bother with “a risk management assessment of what was going on.”

And if that is Excellence, then God help Somerset when Jonesy & Co. drag us beyond it!

Organisational Terrorism in the spotlight again

2008-10-16T07:16:00.001Z

Nice to see that the Beeb (radio 4 no less) and the Man are taking an interest in how to create Excellence.

Famous OTs being unmasked and hopefully getting their just desserts include Paul Van Buitenen (nice pseudonym Paul - but just a teeny weeny bit obvious innit?) and Sherron Watkins. Both of them feature in the hall of shame referred to in the story about Somerset's War on Terror.

But I would not like to have to clean Jonesy's underpants if anyone raises this at today's lunch in Frome! It is one thing swanking and bullshitting in front of a bunch of foreigners in Venice, quite another to risk facing your victims direct. (Whether they like it or not, Frome is still in Somerset, just about.)

It's like a voluntary form of restorative justice. Whatever complaints there may be about Jones - you have to admit he's got balls!

Somerset's Darkest Days

2008-10-09T17:42:00.000Z

I try not to blog when my sense of humour has failed. But today, today has to become an exception.

First, a rumour that Mr. Buchanan may be innocent. There is however no confirmation of this on the Council's website. In any normal Local Authority, the news that a leading Councillor has been cleared by the Standards Board would be something to celebrate. In Somerset's darkest days we wonder whether it will even be reported. Give it time? Maybe.

But as they say in the land of Excellence, "let's park that one". It has been trumped.

There is no easy way to say this. Somerset County Council invested £25 million of our money in Icelandic banks.

In confirming this figure, the Leader of the Council is alleged by the BBC to have said "...the money represented 2.5% of the overall portfolio..." and "...the authority had always tried to be prudent and spread investments..."

£4,000,000 a year on spin, and that is the best they can come up with?

Let's re-spin it.

"2.5%"? That means the Council is sitting on £1,000,000,000 of our money (yes, nine "zeros"). That is more than £5,000 for each household. Why in the name of Alan Jones have they been putting the Council Tax up every year?

"spreading investments"? Iceland makes up 0.003% of the world's population. Somerset's investment represented £100 for every member of that population. An equivalent investment in the banking system of the United Kingdom would amount to £6,500,000,000. If every Council in the UK made a similar investment it would come to £820,000,000,000. The Financial Crisis would be over.

"prudent"? It makes you wonder where they've put the other £975,000,000 that they took from Somerset's Council Tax Payers.

Where was Roger Kershaw when BCCI went tits up? Obviously not learning any lessons. And the country wasn't even a couple of years into a credit crunch at the time (yes, "experts" reckon it started well over a year ago, but Taunton clearly did not notice).

Other councils have also been stupid and have lost money. But I don't care about other councils. They are not cramming Excellence down my throat and bringing Stars to my eyes. They are not fleecing me for the privilege of being subject to their fantasies. And as for the Plus ....

Somerset's War on Terror

2008-10-08T22:18:00.000Z

Jonesy has repeatedly congratulated himself, at home and abroad, for his success in the War on Organisational Terror.

So who is this “enemy within”? What organisations have they terrorised? What did they do, or say, or write, that terrified their victims?

Even the most incompetent Googler will quickly work out that Organisational Terrorists did not come into being purely to interfere with Jonesy’s delusions of Excellence.

In fact this evil breed has been active since the beginning of time. The second person in history, and the very first woman ever invented, was also the first Organisational Terrorist. She upset the applecart in Eden (NB: the Garden of Eden was officially recognised as the world’s first “Excellent” organisation in the year 6000 B.C.).

Eve threatened to tell God about what she and the Man got up to behind the bike shed, so the Man got rid of her by feeding her to a serpent. It didn’t cost the Garden of Eden £140,000. In fact, it didn’t cost anything – there’s a thought!

More recently another lady, Karen Silkwood, asked all sorts of unhelpful questions. The victim was a Nuclear Technology Organisation. In accordance with the principles of sincerity that underpin Excellence, the Organisation earnestly welcomed these questions. Then she was killed.

As Jonesy said in Venice "It is important to get rid of these people.”

And it’s not just women, or foreigners. In fact the OTs have their own Hall of Shame!

Council Tax REBATES! Hurray!

2008-10-02T15:58:00.001Z

Last night I caught up with Albert Einstein down at the Dog & Duck.

As you may recall he was last seen scratching his head over Jonesy's sums, and in particular the famous (now infamous) £200,000,000 that IBM is going to save Somerset over the next 10 years.

Apparently Jonesy's confirmation via the LGC that the discount rate should be zero (uh?) has thrown Albert's previous calculations into disarray. He is now one mightily pissed off famous mathematical genius.

However, I went out to join the smokers in the rain, and borrowed a fag packet to do some maths the old fashioned way.

It is confusing with all those zeros, but when you take the £200 million, and divide it by the 190,000 Somerset Council Tax Payers, you get ...... £1,052.63. Blimey! Now divide that by another 10 (for the 10 years), and what do you get?

Yippee!!! We're all gonna get a rebate of £105.26 at the end of the year! That's more than Gordon Brown gave us last month!

We'll be having a drink on that tonight.

Incompetence or Malice?

2008-09-30T12:47:00.000Z

Another Somerset County Councillor has got into trouble, and there seems to be quite a lot of glee about it in the SomerBlogging community. It seems the chap in the slurry pit this time is one of Jonesy's mates.

But I, for one, am not interested. The thing I want to know is: how was the Buchanan issue concluded? You know, Cornwall's troublesome "question 3".

Most of us will recall how shifty Jones became when the subject of his relationship with the Standards Board came up on TV (West Eye View, 24/07/08). He was accused of using the Standards Board to get rid of Councillor Buchanan, and eventually put his hands up to it.

Somerset County Council continues to batten down the hatches on information, so as usual we will have to spell it out. Since they are obviously good at ticking boxes, perhaps these will help:

Have the complaints against Cllr Buchanan been upheld by the Standards Board?
Yes c
No c

If the answer is "yes" then we can make our sincerest apologies to Alan Jones for casting aspersions, and blame the Standards Board for not getting their fingers out. Their incompetence will have caused Jonesy a great deal of aggro.

On the other hand, if the tick goes in the "no" box ... (It is so simple isn't it? "Yes" or "No"), then the next question asks itself. Were the complaints the result of incompetence or malice?

Jonesy himself told us on TV how the complaints originated. In his own words, "evidence was gathered from people who supplied it willingly". He admitted that he himself then submitted that evidence to the Standards Board. In other words, he made the decision that the evidence gathered warranted investigation.

This decision was made by someone who costs us at least £160,000 per year (about £1 for every Council Tax payer), just to be in post. It was made by someone who also spends thousands of our pounds on legal advice every year, and who bought himself TWO new in-house lawyers this summer (a big one earning "up to £84,000" and a little one earning "up to £61,000").

So I say again: was this decision incompetent, or was it malicious?

Either way, there is a clear case for impeachment. No golden parachute. Not a penny more!

Anal Retention

2008-09-29T07:17:00.000Z

As I predicted, Cornwall does not display any of the symptoms of this ghastly Somerset condition.

Most of us have the greatest respect for Cornwall - the place, the people, and even the Council. Unlike some SomerBloggers, I knew there was no hope they’d take Jonesy off our hands.

Instead, we should be looking to the North for salvation. I hear that there are hundreds of little known boroughs and municipalities where abuse of power and misuse of public funds are endemic. Jonesy and his crew would fit like noodly appendages in rubber gloves.

Alternatively, Somerset could go for something genuinely innovative in English Local Government - impeachment.

Only £20?

2008-09-24T19:54:00.002Z

Many people would find it difficult to spend a council’s Information Presentation Budget in a rural county of half a million citizens.

Especially when those citizens are not known for their sophistication. And especially when the amounts involved – were they to be spent on matters of substance - would pretty much pay for a whole Somerset District!

Well, the good news is that our Simon will have plenty of help in spending the £4 million a year Somerset County Council spin budget.

According to information from County Hall, The “Head of Communications” has no less than three “Marketing & Communications Managers”, none of whom are to be confused with the “Communications & Marketing Manager” (spot the difference!).

In addition to this lot, there are two “Access & Communications Managers” who between them deal with “Publications”, “Media”, “Reputation”, and “Branding”.

Now, there may only be six spin managers, but they require an awful lot of support from people with Titles like:

- Events Coordinator
- Media Analyst
- PR Officer
- Communications Officer
- Press Officer
- PR & Communications Officer
- Communications & Media Officer
- Assistant PR, Communications, Media & Press Officer
- etc. etc. (you get the picture, right?)

They are all busy explaining away Jonesy’s words and deeds to the people of $omerset and b€yond. Clearly Excellence is not a product that sells itself!

The bad news is that SCC has flatly refused to fund a new smoking room down at the Dog & Duck, and our annual budget remains at £NIL. We are all disappointed with the lack of cooperation. It seems that on board Jonesy’s ship …

“The spirit of partnership is weaker than the spirit of independence”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice, 2007

… as his Excellency himself once pontificated.

An Excellent team?

2008-09-12T08:09:00.001Z

A Big Thank You to the Official Alan Jones Blog for introducing the latest member of the Explaining Excellence Team:
http://theofficialalanjonesblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/big-hitters.html

Down at the Dog & Duck we went over Simon’s job description again. Most of it is the usual incomprehensible Excellence bullshit, but amongst the "Main Responsibilities and Duties" we found this hairy old chestnut “To ensure effective working relationships with relevant partners”.

Now, who could be more relevant than the regulars down at the Dog & Duck? And me and Anon are only the spokespersons, remember that there’s a whole team of us down here! We are all looking forward to working with Simon on the difficult task of explaining Excellence to the ignorant people of Somerset.

With a salary of £70K (50% of £140K as Albert Einstein pointed out), and an annual budget of £4 million, we could really face up to The Challenge.

As you may remember, Al is a famous mathematician who is currently struggling with Jonesian Paradigms.

Then there is Pat, the famous philanderer, who always rings twice. Pat has been able to explain things about Jonesy that the rest of us would never have thought of. (Trailer!: Without Pat, Anon would never have been able to work out what Jonesy got up to in the bar one night after a hard day at the BT conference that got Mr. Buchanan into so much trouble … http://joiningthedotz.blogspot.com/)

And don’t forget Daffer, the famous sailor, who will help us to understand Jonesy’s nautical illusions. Being myopic, Daffer is also well placed to understand key concepts such as Jonesian Loyalty, which are the crucial building blocks of Excellence.

Anyway, in the spirit of partnership, we have asked Simon if he could spare some of his £4million to build us an outdoor smoking room down at the Dog & Duck, where Daffer can smoke his pipe. He needs it to calm down, poor chap – it is stressful sharing a surname with Alan.

Don't rely on Cornwall!

2008-09-05T18:05:00.000Z

Sorry to put a dampener on all the excitement generated by Jonesy’s bid for the Cornwall job … but we have to be realistic.

By the Law of Unintended Consequences, all these blogs and YouTube videos, born as they were of frustration, and sharing a desperation to get Jonesy out of Somerset, may have the opposite effect.

If the Cornwall selectors do their job properly they will certainly happen upon the West Eye View programme, not to mention these blogs. They be asking questions such as the three I put to the Local Government Chronicle as being worthy of answers …

(1) Is it the case that during 2005/2006 the Manager of the ISiS Project made complaints of harassment or similar against the Chief Executive of Somerset County Council?

(2) Is it the case that, after several months' absence on sick leave, the Manager of the ISiS Project subsequently received a severance payment of an amount in the region of £140,000 from Somerset County Council?

(3) Is it the case that during 2007, and again during 2008, the Chief Executive of Somerset County Council made a number of complaints to the Standards Board about Councillor Paul Buchanan (who had been deputy leader of the ruling group prior to the first complaints), and that the Standards Board has either declined to investigate, or has investigated but failed to uphold, all of these complaints?

Neither Somerset County Council nor Jonesy himself seem to have done anything to deny or clarify any of the above, but sadly I don’t think that will be good enough for the Cornwall selectors.

And these three questions are only the beginning. They lead unhappily into the whole sorry story about misuse of public funds, dodgy management, abuse of position and what have you. In Somerset, like Liverpool before us, we have come to take these things for granted. We have also come to accept that straight questions will not get straight answers from Jonesy and his crew.

However the Cornwall selectors do not have to accept this. In fact they would run a grave risk in appointing Jonesy while there are so many unanswered questions about his conduct and competence circulating in public. Somerset’s selectors, back in 2003, could at least plead that they had no knowledge of such issues.

Another thing to remember is that Cornwall did not get to where it is today by alienating over 80% of the population.

But all is not lost! This may be the perfect opportunity to finally get some answers. And who knows, if Jonesy really wants the Cornwall job then they may turn out to good and honest answers.

Creating Excellence (lesson 69)

2008-09-03T16:21:00.001Z

It is September 2008, and time to recover our sense of humour, so as to fuel a renewed effort to get to grips with Excellence in Somerset.

Albert is still struggling to reconcile himself to Jonesy’s latest figures, and Daffer’s in a strop about the Spaghetti Monster, so it’s time to introduce Pat, another of the regulars down at the Dog & Duck.

Pat is a Postman (of course), and like Jonesy, likes a bit. He is also like Jonesy in that people make irreverent videos about him on youtube – see here.

Anyway, one morning last summer (actually it was at 10.04 am local time on 25th June 2007, not that this information was leaked from a County Council surveillance unit or anything) Postie Pat was making a delivery at a certain address in Somerset.

According to Pat, the door was opened by a goddess in a negligée, exuding come-hither vibes like one of Jonesy’s office girls. Sadly the spell was quickly broken by an almighty outburst of squawking from inside the house, followed by a high-pitched voice proclaiming:

“As a Four Star the most you can get Excellent Authority with a Positive direction of travel …”

“Don’t worry about that, Pat,” said the goddess, “it’s only my husband.”

“Your HUSBAND?”

“Well, his parrot actually.”

“His p-p-parrot?” Pat stammered.

“Yeah, his parrot, OK? He hears Rupert learning his lines, then he repeats it. It’s what parrots DO, alright?”

“Right, right, so your husband’s an actor is he? Away making a movie somewhere … a long way away … ?” Pat’s voice would have tailed off in a mixture of dwindling hope, now battered with the confusion and bewilderment that follows Excellence everywhere.

“No you idiot, he works at County Hall! He’s Acting Assistant Strategic Director of Strategy. Now are we going to have sex or what?”

According to Pat, after this passion-smothering series of revelations he immediately scarpered; like a postman who’s accidentally gone walkabout in the grounds of a loony bin patrolled by Dobermans. Of course, at the time none of us believed this, or indeed any part of his story.

But we are better informed now, if none the wiser!

New Code of Conduct for Somerset

2008-08-28T14:09:00.000Z

It is important that everyone knows where they stand. So to simplify things, I propose a local code of conduct comprising 100 simple rules for Somerset County Councillors.

Rule 1: The Chief Executive knows best;
Rules 2-99: As Rule 1;
Rule 100: In the interests of importance, anyone who disregards any of rules 1 to 99 will be got rid of, in accordance with the Venice Protocols.

The local code of conduct also makes life easier for us lesser mortals, since it means we can not vote with a clear conscience.

And if we don’t like it … we can move to Devon, like Jonesy himself!

Excellent words from Venice!

2008-08-26T15:49:00.000Z

Many thanks to Clara, who was at Venice last November, for putting us on to another rich vein of Excellent Jonesisms. For example, this is how he described his internal critics:

“There are organizational “terrorists”. These persons may even be in the top team or at the most senior level of the local authority. It is important to get rid of these people.”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice, 2007

When the history of Somerset County Council in the 21st Century is written, the story of how this intellectual cleansing was achieved will warrant a chapter all of its own. Perhaps it is something that the Audit Commission will examine in detail as part of the next Excellence inspection?

That way the Excellent practice they uncover can be spread to all parts of the country.

Jonesy also used the opportunity provided by Venice to chew over a few sour grapes left over from his failed attempt to spread his cloak over the Somerset Districts, going on about

“… misplaced rivalry between organizations, e.g., the district councils fighting one another and fighting with the county councils.”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice, 2007

Come here (Somerset) and say that, Jonesy, if you dare! And while you’re rubbing our noses in it from afar, how much did that particular débâcle of your making cost us?

Sorry folks, another sense of humour failure …. Jonesy and his crew do have that effect – must be the latest red letter about my Council Tax!

Source: http://www.items.fr/spip.php?page=globalforum&id_rubrique=82

Who's "Roger"?

2008-08-21T18:02:00.000Z

A bit of a mystery really, who IS this idiot?

He has his own blogspot where he makes all manner of disgusting revelations:
http://rogerkershawconfesses.blogspot.com/

and a secret spot where he leaks even worse stuff: http://www.scribd.com/people/view/1944987-rogerjkershaw

Which "Mr. Jones" then has removed: http://www.scribd.com/word/removal/4805430

Before it reappears in the same place with a different title: http://www.scribd.com/doc/4939004/Napoleons-Hitman

Meanwhile a trawl of the official archives: http://search.somerset.gov.uk/search?site=somerset&client=somerset&proxystylesheet=somerset&output=xml_no_dtd&q=Roger+Kershaw&submit=Go

shows him babbling on about all manner of Excellent nonsense.

The same archives reveal something else (look at changing job titles). They call it "career progression", without evidence of much in the way of "competition" (as in external advertising, interviews, independent panels and what-have-you). If you are REALLY bored, then why don't you see if you can join up the dots?

If not, take my word for it - Cabin Boy to First Mate, with quite a bit of "Acting" in between.

I'll say one thing for Jonesy, the archives indicate that his appointment does at least appear "regular". I mean, there's all kinds of references to a recruitment process for him, back in 2003 ... and no "Acting".

Anyway, however it happened, it seems like we are lumbered. As is poor old Jonesy. This is what HE wrote to Roger ...."It is such a pity that, try as you might, you cannot even imitate real talent".
source: http://www.scribd.com/doc/4075098/fromAlan-Jones

Grumbling Ducks (2)

2008-08-18T07:32:00.001Z

Just checked my email and guess what, a County Council service I have been using (the only one, I think) is going to be curtailed, because "the powers that be" are getting tight with funding.

In the pre-Excellence days, of course, this would have just run off with a shrug.

However, nowadays County is spending £4million a year on presentation (roughly £20 per household), and who knows how much on staff brainwashing, statisticians, Excellence consultants, additional legal fees, IBM etc. There is even a rumour that every household in Somerset had to chip in nearly £1 each just to pay off one of the Chief Executive's lady friends in time for the Excellence inspection.

So in that context, this Duck feels ever so slightly aggrieved. In the old days he may even have been naïve enough to consider complaining! (A sure fire way to get the offending service cut completely.)

But now all we have is the blog, and it is time to re-focus on our core business, which is to examine and to try to unravel the thing called "Excellence".

This has been a miserable little post, so here's a film to cheer you up. An excellent (small "e"), short, management training video all about something SCC seems to have signed up to in order to deal with complaints. It is called the "it could be worse" programme : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl_WPggs1cw

Don't you just love that phrase "delegitimise complaints"? I'm sure we'll hear more of it! What a useful management tool. Money well spent Jonesy!

The net closes in ...

2008-08-15T09:25:00.000Z

Phew! Only yesterday I posted a link to a document on the internet, and today it has been shredded - allegedly at the request of the Standards Board ... see : http://www.scribd.com/word/removal/4074094

However according to the webstats over 400 people viewed the document before it was censored, including, you will all be glad to know, ME!

And in case you are worried about the fictional work in progress (http://joiningthedotz.blogspot.com/) this blogger, let me tell you, has a memory like a Supergrass. He can remember, with crystal clear photographic recall, documents that never existed at all. The dots are in good hands!

More to the point, during the months that this extraordinary 32-page document was up on the net, many of us had puzzled over a key question: was it genuine, or was it a fake?

You see, it certainly LOOKED genuine - layout, language, subject matter, etc. However when you read it closely (as I certainly did), the content was so extraordinary that I really did have doubts. Among other things, it showed Roger dropping Jonesy right in the slurry pit. Up to his neck in it he would have been (except that Roger pitched him in head first).

As time passed, I slowly came to the conclusion that it was, in fact, a hoax. The main evidence for this was that every time I drove past County Hall, the Plus Fours continued to flutter from the flag pole. If the document HAD been genuine, I had no doubt, the Plus Fours would have been promptly replaced with Roger's Noodly Appendage. Pour décourager les autres!

Anyway, of course, the fact that they have now gone to all the trouble (and our expense) of getting the thing removed does add considerably to the case for authenticity.

Which leads one to wonder - what actually has been done with Roger's ... wotsits?

Do they mean us?

2008-08-14T10:33:00.000Z

Oh dear, oh dear - be careful what you blog for! No, Jonesy hasn't quit, but his sense of humour does seem to have failed us, again - see here: http://www.lgcplus.com/InthisweeksLGC/2008/08/chief_threatens_legal_action_over_fake_blog.html

Hurray! More threats from our local hero! Blogs and films under fire ... now, which particular blog does he mean? Could it be one of these?

http://thedragonstear.blogspot.com/
http://joiningthedotz.blogspot.com/
http://rogerkershawconfesses.blogspot.com/
http://theofficialalanjonesblog.blogspot.com/
(there are others, but I'm squeamish - you'll have to surf for them yourselves)

or is it the one that started it all? http://www.liddellgrainger.org.uk/ian/MOGGTHEBLOGISBACK.html

As for "films" ... I can find these
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiklM51QRfU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gCETYnygA0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3KzR5AL1cs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuBedgK7_Kw

Whatever, but I cannot believe Blogbuster Jones would want to draw anyone's attention to THIS! http://www.scribd.com/word/removal/4074094 (that really would be cutting his own throat, even if it is just a series of dots - so far ...)

POSTSCRIPT: SORRY FOR THE DUFF LINK. SEE TOMORROW'S BLOG ENTRY FOR FURTHER DETAILS. http://farbeyondexcellence.blogspot.com/2008/08/net-closes-in.html

Anyway, the good news is that Jonesy has given us two new numbers to play with: £17 million (in savings to SCC), and £140 million (in "procurement savings"). I'll get Albert and his calculator on the job, so he can explain these to us.

Somerset’s Mugabe

2008-08-11T07:04:00.000Z

Thanks to DNA we now know that everyone in the world is related. Three foot pygmies in undiscovered (except by themselves of course) tribes in the Amazon Jungle. Eight foot Africans. 5’10” spotty teenage oiks in Yeovil. You. Me. Jonesy. All the same.

Hitler had the same genes as Moses. Kruger (who would not have believed it of course, seeing as how he insisted until his dying day that the world was flat) was related to Mandela. Sorry Nelson. Fact.

The scientists also say that it only takes 10,000 years for people to evolve from white to black (and vice versa), so this is not as fanciful as it may seem …

… and I sometimes wonder what would happen if Mugabe were in charge of Somerset ...

Inflation would be 43.3%
The Police would get a good deal
Morgan would be reported to the Standards Board for being a pirate
The County Farms would be sold off
All Robert’s cronies would get cracking jobs
Anyone he didn’t like would be threatened then sacked
If the wrong people were elected he would cut off ….

… Yikes! What about Bloggers?

Where chaos resides?

2008-08-08T13:06:00.001Z

No, not County Hall!

I am referring to another of Jonesy's gifts to the people of Somerset, delivered via HTV (West Eye View on 24th July).

I didn't write down this quote, luckily someone used it on an excellent little video pastiche at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiklM51QRfU so I can, once again, give you the Great Man's EXACT words!

"It's like sailing a, er, sailing ship close to the wind, you know, that's where innovation lives but that's also where chaos resides."

Right Jonesy. Thanks for spelling it out. Nice one : your innovation = our chaos.

Now we're a bunch of ignorant landlubbers down at the Dog & Duck, but luckily in a couple of days Daffer will be back. He's a sailor, and will be able to explain this stuff. Poor old Daffer has been offshore since before Valentine's day, so he hasn't yet heard about the sh*tstorm that his namesake has been whipping up.

However, I can tell you now that Daffer Jones will NOT be amused.

Excellent Economics!

2008-08-05T14:34:00.001Z

Now, I may be really stupid or something, but at first I couldn’t quite understand how a project saving £1.7 million per year over 10 years would save £200 million in total. You see, being a simpleton, I thought Jonesy was saying 1.7 x 10 = 200.

Luckily me mate Albert Einstein is an accountant, and he explained it all to us last night, down at the Dog & Duck. He started by droning on about this thing called economics, and inflation and discounting and investment returns and opportunity costs and all that sort of stuff.

Huh? We stare at Al as if he’s dropped in from another planet.

“Look,” says Al, “a regular cash flow of £1.7 million per year, with a compound return of 43.3% over a ten year period, would give you £200 million.”

“Cut it OUT Al!” says I. “Give it to us straight. You know, like Jonesy says, in a way that real people can understand!”

“OK,” says Al. “How much is your house worth?”

“Well,” says I, “last year it was valued at £200,000.”

“OK,” says Al. “Now get this, if Jonesy’s economic forecast is correct, by the end of the SCC/IBM contract your house will be worth £7.3 million!”

And as the Spaghetti Monster is my witness, Your Honour, that is how I came to put the deposit on a Lear Jet.

Plus Fours

2008-08-04T15:28:00.000Z

Hurray! Another bit of literature from the County Council arrived in the letter box today, shedding light on what Jonesy meant by "Beyond Excellence".

To be honest, I thought this whole "Beyond Excellence" nonsense was just a smokescreen. I suspected (quite wrongly, as it happens) that Jonesy was trying to confuse us even more, so as to distract attention from the IBM saga. And the various other sagas.

But no, it seems that the County Council has genuinely managed to improve on its four stars ("the most you can get", as they never tired of telling us). They have now been given a "plus", and to celebrate this have decided to invest in a new flag.

Unfortunately, it seems that the plus is to be placed in front of the stars. The obvious thing would have been to put the plus after the stars, as in "4+". That would at least have made sense to primary school kids and their parents and teachers.

This is what Jonesy (Chief Executive of Somerset County Council) said to his new Head of Communications ("Spin Doctor" to you and me) earlier in the summer: "... we must be careful not to let this 'internal speak' flow over into the language which we use both to describe success and to get our messages across to people ... We are interested in the real things that real people use to judge ..."

Real people? A bit of googling soon led me to the conclusion that Plus Fours are only really of interest to geriatric golfers!

The Somerset Inquisition?

2008-08-01T19:29:00.001Z

People ask why I am indifferent to the IBM saga. It's quite simple really, I don't understand it. All I know is what they said on TV, i.e. it is going to cost us a zillion squid, but the Boss says it will save billions in the long run ("We in Somerset have a ten-year-plan"). All we need is faith in the Boss, and everything will be all right. As for IBM, well my Nan says they make really good typewriters.

It all sounded fine until they mentioned the name "Councillor Buchanan". To be honest, I had never heard of him up until that point. I knew about the Boss, and as I said last night was mightily pissed off when he accused me of worshipping the Spaghetti Monster on Valentine's day. I also knew that the regime in County Hall was harsh on employees who asked questions, raised concerns, expressed doubt, or otherwise behaved inappropriately. More about this another time, perhaps.

But a Councillor? This was taking things WAY too far. After all, these are the people we elect to represent us. I had even started writing to my own County Councillor to complain about the Spaghetti Monster and other issues. If they can be bullied, harassed and silenced, then what is the point of voting? This reminded me of Zimbabwe, and is the thing that really made me sit up and start paying attention.

It was quite clear that the Journalist was accusing the Boss of making up complaints about the Councillor who disagreed with him, and of then sending these complaints to the Standards Board (something else I'd never heard of until last week), in order to shut him up. Now I am not a shrink or a fortune cookie, but even I noticed the body language and saw the Boss literally put his hands up (both of them).

I also get suspicious when people answer a question with another question. In this case the Journalist asked the Boss why he had made "x dozen" complaints about the Councillor, and the Boss immediately replied "where did you get that figure from?" One can imagine the poor sod who revealed the figure being tarred and feathered and made to lick the floor of County Hall for the entire duration of his notice period.

The Boss did manage to calm down, and finally started talking about the complaints to the Standards Board. He spoke sternly, saying

"... evidence was gathered from people who supplied it willingly."

Those were his exact words - I wrote them down so as not to forget.

It made me wonder what would have happened to anyone who was not "willing". And why was "evidence" being "gathered" in the first place? It sounded like the Spanish Inquisition.

Fowl run-off

2008-07-31T19:22:00.000Z

Some things, however, make the duck feel like he's been thrown into the slurry pit then hung out to dry in the middle of a six-week heat wave.

Based on their actual day-to-day experience, a lot of people think that Somerset County Council is OK, but a bit of a shambles at times. It would be unfair to give details that are specific, so better not to give any at all, but the local ducks have been known to grumble.

For the sins of grumbling, sighing, and doubting (or even worse, failing to notice!) the arrival of Excellence, this is what Jonesy said about us:

"In the light of this assessment, they now join the ranks of those who believe the earth is flat, that the Holocaust never happened, and those who dress as pirates to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodly appendages."

I read the above in February on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/somerset/7245071.stm.
I was most definitely not amused, in fact it quite ruined my Valentine's day.

This is just one example of the insults they expect us to swallow. Maybe we are slow, even a bit backward; but do they think we are really stupid or what?

Injury - water off a duck's back

2008-07-29T19:03:00.000Z

Most of us know that it is hard running a local authority and can admit a little indulgence. The big government piles more and more b*llsh1t on the little government, and gives them all the sh1tty jobs - like a junior partner in a law firm (read any John Grisham novel for details).

So when we bounce along the neglected country lanes, with their ruts and overgrown hedges, their floods and debris from blocked culverts, we reflect on the damage being done to our vehicles and rejoice at this ingenious way of supporting the local economy. My mate the garage man explained how it works. Somerset garages gain a valuable source of income from the thousands of people that have to get their suspension, tyres, windscreens and so on replaced prematurely. We may not have our own automotive industry, but the labour costs go straight into the hands of local people.

To some extent this is also an excellent voluntary tax on the an*lly retentive. We all have to get through the MOT, but apparently some people (called "townies") even go in to get scratches fixed when they've had close encounters with overgrown hawthorn. Unbelievable!

Some people were "injured" on the A37 last year, because they were too busy reading all the signs the County Council had put up about road safety to notice what was going on around them, and ended up in the overgrown ditches (more excellent news for the local vehicle repair industry). These road safety signs were a subject of much discussion down at our local. For example, some of them gave interesting statistics about the number of people killed and injured on the A37, either general numbers - for the whole road, or specific numbers - for upcoming features such as the bends between Yeovil and Shepton. We in Somerset are a pretty numerate bunch, it must be said, and spend a lot of time looking at and thinking about all the different numbers on the Council's signs.

One series of signs proclaimed "Road Safety Improvements Planned for 2007". They became more and more controversial as the year drew to a close and speculation mounted as to what the Council would do when 2008 arrived. One faction maintained that they would paint an "8" over the "7" and leave the signs up, while a second faction suggested that money would be saved by painting a "9" over the "7". Then a third faction came to the bar, claiming that the Council was planning to pay a private contractor to go out on New Year's Eve and take down ALL the signs. The improvement to Road Safety would be immediate and obvious, as drivers would have a hundred less excuses for not concentrating on the road.

The County Council is also responsible for a number of other services (Education, Social Work, Library Fines etc.) and many of us have also suffered "injury" at the hands of these too. But we take it all with good grace, with rolling eyeballs and expressions like "'tis bureacracy gone mad!" and "gotta do another form for county". Like I say, water off a duck's back!

Why this blog?

2008-07-28T18:31:00.000Z

We who live in the beautiful County of Somerset are truly blessed. Our rulers have been officially proclaimed as "excellent" by none other than the main man - Audit Commission himself. Elsewhere, paying Council Tax may be a pain in the a*se, here it is a privilege. This is something that is drummed into us every time we receive a communication from the esteemed organisation, whether by email, letter or fax.

Last week, however, a TV programme called West Eye View (HTV 24/7/08 7.30 pm) tried to shatter our comfortable illusions. Frankly the general topic didn't seem that interesting: something about the Council selling off staff to IBM. Big deal! Check it out at http://www.showofhands.co.uk/ (the Bristol Slaver, on Dark Fields), or read your history books. Selling people to the Americans is nothing new around here!

The TV programme had an innocuous title - "Public Money, Private Gain" or something like that (so what's new?). However the startling thing about the programme was not the content but the atmosphere. Spooky. While they did allow our Chief Executive to go on about excellence and even to mutter something about moving "Beyond Excellence", they also filmed an awful lot of squirming and blank expressions. Important people were seen throwing numbers around like a bunch of Zimbabwean Bankers.

The unanswered questions and "things that can't be talked about" led me to do a bit of googling. The results were truly appalling, a genuine 21st Century Cringe Comic Opera. I also discovered Google blogs, and decided to start one of my very own.

What is excellence?

2008-07-28T17:27:00.000Z

excellence, n: "The state or fact of excelling; the possession chiefly of good qualities in an eminent or unusual degree; surpassing merit, skill, virtue, worth, etc.; dignity, eminence."

excellent, a.: "Of a person or thing: That excels or surpasses in any respect; preëminent, superior, supreme. Of qualities: Existing in a greater, or an exceptionally great, degree."

OED 2nd Edition 1989