GUTTED!

We have just come across this - Mr. Liddell Grainger's latest speech about Wonderland.

Everyone is agreed. This is NOT FUNNY.

Yet another serious sense of humour failure is blighting the Dog & Duck, thanks to Jonesy's shower.

Daffer is on the warpath with a filleting knife. Normally it's used for fish when he's at sea, but he would like to make it clear that if half of what ILG says is true, then it will work perfectly well "for that little squirt that I'm ashamed to share a name with ..."

Somerset to Launch Space Mission!

The trouble with eye-catching headlines is that there's always someone who will read the underlying article.

Take this one, that we have already commented on. Rather appropriate to re-visit the topic on the day that most of South Somerset ground to a halt due to uncleared snow - YET AGAIN!

Remember how Daffer Jones asked for a calculator a few days back? He was looking at this press release, and started going on about how he'd found the most idiotic claim ever to come out of SCC's £4million per year spin machine ... "an absolute whopper!"

"Look," said Daff, "go on the SCC website, and find statistics."

"OK," I said.

"Right, and so what is the surface area of Somerset?"

"Well, it says here 3,452 square kilometres, but that's the 2001 figure, it's probably grown since Jonesy arrived."

"Sod that," growled Daffer, "now look at what they said about the 'excellent', 'dedicated', 'fantastic' and 'amazing' job they did on the snow."

“We’ve treated in excess of 40,000 sq km with salt in the last week." I read.

"Right," said Daffer, handing me the calculator, "and what's 40,000 divided by 3,452?"

"er, 11 point five eight seven four eight five five one ..."

"all right, all right," Daffer interrupted, "so to any normal person that means they claimed to have coated the whole county in salt twelve times that week, OK?"

"Yeah ... so?"

"That's the ENTIRE SURFACE AREA of the county, TWELVE TIMES OVER, you idiots, not just the A & B roads, but ALL the roads, plus all the fields, the moors, the forests, EVERYTHING. TWELVE TIMES OVER!"

"Bloody Hell, Daff, you're right, that includes all the countryside and everything ..." I said, finally realising what he was on about.

"And all the gardens and driveways too ..." said Pat helpfully.

"Not to mention all the hills and beaches," said someone else.

"And even the Salt Marshes!" added the landlord, shaking his head in wonderment. He normally keeps out of these things but was now finally beginning to comprehend the enormity of the, er, lie(?).

"That's right," said Daff, "and twelve times over, and in just one week."

Who needs Albert Einstein when you've got a sailor with "O" Level maths at the bar?

American Bull in Somerset

Being a pretty adventurous bunch ourselves, the Dog & Duck team have, I think you will all agree, been pretty slow to criticise the SouthWestOne adventure.

After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).

So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.

Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).

However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.

[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]

If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".

The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:

"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."

Blimey!

That rules out any scope for "rounding differences" (as in £140,000,000 + £17,000,000 = £200,000,000 ... rounding to one significant figure, an extremely significant figure in Somerset, as it happens).

It's a good job Albert Einstein is in an old-fashioned straightjacket and receiving regular doses of ECT - 'cos heaven alone knows what he'd make of this lot!

Einstein Mental State Deteriorating

Me and Daff went to visit poor old Albert in the loonybin yesterday. The old git is still in a catatonic state and repeating over and over again: “Lies! Lies! It vas all LIES!”

Later on, back at the Dog & Duck, we went over the events that led up to Al’s nervous breakdown.

“Well of course it’s all lies,” said Pat, “that’s what our £4million pays for. The truth would speak for itself. It’d not be value for our money if all they did was repeat it, would it like?”

“Hang on a second,” said Daffer Jones, “pass me that calculator.”

Now when an old salt like Daffer asks for a calculator, you know something is up. Last year he tore a strip off some young whippersnapper who dared to ask if he used GPS when he was at sea….

“We’ve missed one!” he said, “an absolute whopper, the biggest one of all!”

And we had, too.

Worse than 140,000,000 + 17,000,000 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference)

Worse than 0.53 x 190,000 x 52 x 3 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference plus an issue around where to put the decimal point)

Much worse….

Einstein suffers apoplectic fit

SCC’s £4million per year spin machine seems determined to give our auditor a nervous breakdown.

Apparently the Executive Committee doesn’t know about the hundreds of millions of pounds in savings that Jonesy & Co. have been announcing, and are actually proposing to put the Council Tax UP!

Unlike the rest of the regulars down the Dog n’ Duck (who are still confidently expecting a decrease of £100+), Albert was not actually surprised by this. That’s because he never believed all that stuff, and even refused to sign up to our summary.

The bit he took exception to this time went as follows:

“For a typical Band D household the increase will be just 53p extra per week … For such a small amount of extra money from each household the Council is able to plan over £200 million of investment in key services such as roads, schools and social care over the next three years.”

[There it is again! That famous £200million! SCC’s favourite number! Ed.]

Anyway, according to the SCC website there are 190,000 households in the county. And according to Albert Einstein, 0.53x52x190,000x3 does not equal 200,000,000.

“Zis time it is out by more zan a factor of 10!” He squawked at the bar last night.

“So what?”, said Daffer (who’s got the maths “O” Level, remember), “That just means they’ve put the decimal point in the wrong place again.”

“But zis is not “investment”, it is “running costs”, zey can NOT use such language…” said Albert. “It is misleading, nein! it is vorse, it is FRAUD!”

Now, when an accountant who also happens to be a famous mathematical genius uses the “F” word, people notice. Especially in a popular local pub that hasn’t even been shut down yet.

Which is how Carla Young came to join in the conversation, and ended up talking about “Excellence” into the small hours, long after the men in white coats had turned up to haul poor old Albert off to the local nuthouse.

A very interesting young lady, Carla - believe it or not she just happens to be a Public Sector Transformer from London who has recently moved into our area.

What a coincidence!

Somerset Grit Makes Planes Fly

Yes, it's official!

Forget biofuels, aeroplanes leaving Bristol airport are flying on Somerset Salt.

"So that's what they've bloody done with it," growled Daffer Jones, fresh from his encounter with the ditch beside the hedge on the far side of the B road at the end of the Black Run that starts outside the Dog & Duck.

"Ach so ... but how can you measure circumference using ze unit of square kilometres?" said Albert Einstein, our auditor, who is an internationally famous mathematician. Away with the fairies as usual, our Albert.

"Look Albert," I said, with some exasperation, "they spend £4million a year telling us what a good job they're doing...." (Sorry, I did of course mean an "excellent, dedicated, fantastic and amazing" job. And too many people undervalue it, which is why SCC breaking news has to find room for all these adjectives in the same sentence.)

"... and for that kind of money, if they say the circumference of the earth is 40,000 square kilometres then it's good enough for me."

Snow Crisis!

This is the scene outside Somerset's Dog & Duck Inn at 7.30 a.m. this morning, just after the discovery that all schools in the area are being closed due to "adverse weather".

The white stuff you can see is milk. Our intrepid milkman has been and gone. But if you look really carefully you can see some more white stuff on the top bar of the gate. This is not spilt milk - it is the snow that has brought Somerset to a standstill. Again!

The temperature is already an "icy" 3 degrees ABOVE zero, which everywhere else in the world would mean that the little dusting of snow you can see is melting as we watch. The wind is coming in at a mere 15 mph (admittedly it is coming from the North).

Daffer Jones, bless him, is still in bed (he always lies in when he's not at sea). This is just as well, as the Council's pathetic failure to keep the infrastructure open on Tuesday reduced him to tears.

"What would happen if there was a proper emergency?" he asked.

Einstein confirms Iceland losses

SCC has its own version of the Dog & Duck. They call it the "Scrutiny Committee" and it met on 6th January 2009.

As a gesture of solidarity, we bought them each a calculator for Christmas, using the extra money that we're going to have thanks to the massive reduction in Somerset council tax expected this year. And it looks like it worked, too! This is what the committee was told:

the £25m had been invested as 5 separate deposits of £5m each

i.e. 5x5=25!

Not even Albert Einstein could argue with that one, even if he is too thick to understand that 140+17=200.

Daffer Jones, who knows all about sailing close to the wind in the North Atlantic, said that he wouldn't have been surprised if there had been 25 deposits of £5million each.

After all, using Jonesy's innovative mathematical methods (patented by IBM), this might also come to a mere £25 million.

Excellent Savings!

As promised, here is the Official Dog & Duck Summary of all the savings we’ve noticed the Council announcing since we started taking an interest (less than six months ago). In fact, just today, here they are at it AGAIN!!

By our reckoning, before long they will be paying us to live here!

Unfortunately, like the Council, we are having problems with our auditor.

Audit Report

Our auditor, Albert Einstein, is currently in no position to issue any sort of coherent report on this summary. This is entirely his own fault, for insisting on trying to comply with trivial and irrelevant rules such as: the Laws of Nature, Logic, the Law of Gravy, Prudence (whoever she is), and others that we can’t pronounce. Let alone spell.

Before we pressed the “publish post” button on the blog, he was heard muttering something like “Nein, Nein Dumbkopf! You are double counting, and it does not vork like zat anyvay!”

However, every single one of these numbers has been taken from the Council’s own website, or from reputable sources like the TV. We have actually taken care not to do double counting (e.g. procurement savings started off being only £140,000,000 and then got raised to £150,000,000 so we put in £140,000,000 and £10,000,000, NOT £140,000,000 and £150,000,000, which would have given us a far better figure, but would have been double counting).

As a matter of fact, WE were the ones that suggested that the Council originally raised the procurement figure from £140m to £150m because they realised that even if 150+17 does not come to 200, at least it comes closer than 140+17.

Daffer, who happens to have “O” Level Maths, even suggested helpfully that 150+17 might be 167, and that this (using technical terms such as “one significant figure” and “rounding”) was the same as 200.

At this, Albert just flew off the handle yelling “Illogical, illogical! Nein … vorse than illogical, WRONG!”

Anyway, the point is, there is a deadline that was set 2,000 years ago and cannot be changed. Christmas is nearly upon us and all we know is that the Council has been going on and on about saving hundreds of millions of pounds, without bothering with explanations. This is an important time of year for household budgets. People need to have some idea of what all these big numbers mean for their Council Tax, so they know how much they have left to spend on presents.

These are special circumstances and we have done our best. OK?

CENSORED!

Down at the Dog n' Duck we are all hoping that Jonesy has gone to the same place as those disappearing videos on YouTube.

(NB - don't despair! A few days ago we noticed that someone had made a little collection of some of the videos and has posted them on another site - we are checking our browser's "history" to find out where, and will post the link when we find it. At the time Daffer Jones said something must be up. His voyages have taken him to many places where there is censorship, so he picked up on the vibe before the rest of us.)

Let us be clear: we did NOT approve of the videos. At least, not all of them.

But some were very topical. Especially the one with the firing squad in the quarry. I remember when Jonesy ordered that execution - we were all delighted. She was a real bitch.

However, one does have to wonder how much of our money the Council is spending on censorship. Presumably they will see it as money well spent, since without censorship there would be no Excellence.

Would there?

An Excellent team?

A Big Thank You to the Official Alan Jones Blog for introducing the latest member of the Explaining Excellence Team:
http://theofficialalanjonesblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/big-hitters.html

Down at the Dog & Duck we went over Simon’s job description again. Most of it is the usual incomprehensible Excellence bullshit, but amongst the "Main Responsibilities and Duties" we found this hairy old chestnut “To ensure effective working relationships with relevant partners”.

Now, who could be more relevant than the regulars down at the Dog & Duck? And me and Anon are only the spokespersons, remember that there’s a whole team of us down here! We are all looking forward to working with Simon on the difficult task of explaining Excellence to the ignorant people of Somerset.

With a salary of £70K (50% of £140K as Albert Einstein pointed out), and an annual budget of £4 million, we could really face up to The Challenge.

As you may remember, Al is a famous mathematician who is currently struggling with Jonesian Paradigms.

Then there is Pat, the famous philanderer, who always rings twice. Pat has been able to explain things about Jonesy that the rest of us would never have thought of. (Trailer!: Without Pat, Anon would never have been able to work out what Jonesy got up to in the bar one night after a hard day at the BT conference that got Mr. Buchanan into so much trouble … http://joiningthedotz.blogspot.com/)

And don’t forget Daffer, the famous sailor, who will help us to understand Jonesy’s nautical illusions. Being myopic, Daffer is also well placed to understand key concepts such as Jonesian Loyalty, which are the crucial building blocks of Excellence.

Anyway, in the spirit of partnership, we have asked Simon if he could spare some of his £4million to build us an outdoor smoking room down at the Dog & Duck, where Daffer can smoke his pipe. He needs it to calm down, poor chap – it is stressful sharing a surname with Alan.

Creating Excellence (lesson 69)

It is September 2008, and time to recover our sense of humour, so as to fuel a renewed effort to get to grips with Excellence in Somerset.

Albert is still struggling to reconcile himself to Jonesy’s latest figures, and Daffer’s in a strop about the Spaghetti Monster, so it’s time to introduce Pat, another of the regulars down at the Dog & Duck.

Pat is a Postman (of course), and like Jonesy, likes a bit. He is also like Jonesy in that people make irreverent videos about him on youtube – see here.

Anyway, one morning last summer (actually it was at 10.04 am local time on 25th June 2007, not that this information was leaked from a County Council surveillance unit or anything) Postie Pat was making a delivery at a certain address in Somerset.

According to Pat, the door was opened by a goddess in a negligée, exuding come-hither vibes like one of Jonesy’s office girls. Sadly the spell was quickly broken by an almighty outburst of squawking from inside the house, followed by a high-pitched voice proclaiming:

“As a Four Star the most you can get Excellent Authority with a Positive direction of travel …”

“Don’t worry about that, Pat,” said the goddess, “it’s only my husband.”

“Your HUSBAND?”

“Well, his parrot actually.”

“His p-p-parrot?” Pat stammered.

“Yeah, his parrot, OK? He hears Rupert learning his lines, then he repeats it. It’s what parrots DO, alright?”

“Right, right, so your husband’s an actor is he? Away making a movie somewhere … a long way away … ?” Pat’s voice would have tailed off in a mixture of dwindling hope, now battered with the confusion and bewilderment that follows Excellence everywhere.

“No you idiot, he works at County Hall! He’s Acting Assistant Strategic Director of Strategy. Now are we going to have sex or what?”

According to Pat, after this passion-smothering series of revelations he immediately scarpered; like a postman who’s accidentally gone walkabout in the grounds of a loony bin patrolled by Dobermans. Of course, at the time none of us believed this, or indeed any part of his story.

But we are better informed now, if none the wiser!

Where chaos resides?

No, not County Hall!

I am referring to another of Jonesy's gifts to the people of Somerset, delivered via HTV (West Eye View on 24th July).

I didn't write down this quote, luckily someone used it on an excellent little video pastiche at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiklM51QRfU so I can, once again, give you the Great Man's EXACT words!

"It's like sailing a, er, sailing ship close to the wind, you know, that's where innovation lives but that's also where chaos resides."

Right Jonesy. Thanks for spelling it out. Nice one : your innovation = our chaos.

Now we're a bunch of ignorant landlubbers down at the Dog & Duck, but luckily in a couple of days Daffer will be back. He's a sailor, and will be able to explain this stuff. Poor old Daffer has been offshore since before Valentine's day, so he hasn't yet heard about the sh*tstorm that his namesake has been whipping up.

However, I can tell you now that Daffer Jones will NOT be amused.