Election Special

Now, as you know we are not allowed to do "Politics" (as in parties and what-not), but we are allowed to invite our fellow yokels to print out the above poster and to ask their candidates to sign up to the Dog & Duck Principles.

These are fairly basic really, and should be accessible to ANY candidate worth voting for, whatever their party (even members of the "bring your own bottle" party and other tight gits).

The Dog & Duck principles are:-

1. No Spin;

2. No Bull;

3. No Sh1t;

4. No Lies (or any variation thereof);

5. No Bullying (not even of Councillors);

6. If it ain't broke, don't screw it up (however fashionable it may be to do so);

7. If it is broke, don't pretent it ain't broke;

etc.

In respect of the seventh principle, we hope that the new members will realise that we may be simple, but we are not stupid, and can actually be quite forgiving really!

Off yer Bike!

There seems to be a desperate scramble to find genuine (as opposed to "Excellent") savings in Taunton. Withdrawing all national newspapers from Somerset libraries will save the equivalent of 0.25% of the cost of running the Council's spin machine, but who are the victims this time?

The geriatric lobby is already up in arms (hardly surprising to those of us who recall rows of pensioners busy reading the things on a daily basis).

The tight gits will have to buy their own now!

But what about jobseekers?

A spokesman for SCC said that the council will continue to provide local newspapers (big deal - most of them are free anyway! Ed.) "to give everybody access to job adverts".

However, a spokesman for the Dog & Duck said that it is not appropriate for the County Council to assume that Somerset people are only good enough for local jobs, and that a lot of young people, in particular, are prepared to travel outside the area to find work.

'Tis strange how often bikes are in the frame these days ....

So it WAS all lies :-(

Doom & Gloom at the Dog & Duck.

In fact it's been quiet ever since the Council Tax bills arrived. Far from the cuts we were confidently expecting, they have actually put the tax UP for the fiscal year just starting.

This, despite the fact that they spent the second half of last year swanking about how they had been making savings of £2,889 per taxpayer (and that was before the Americans started making out that the savings from their little adventure were going to be pretty much double what Jonesy originally claimed). And despite the admission last October that they were sitting on a cash mountain of more than £5,000 per taxpayer.

Unable, perhaps, to break the habit of 5 years (or however long it is since Jonesy arrived), they even had the cheek to CONGRATULATE themselves for putting the Council Tax up, of the grounds that it was only by a few percentage points above inflation!

I suppose they couldn't help themselves - it's all that NLP (stuff to do with programming the mind - brought in to create Excellence).

Of course, we wouldn't mind if they were proposing to spend our money on matters of substance. Services for example. But those are being actually CUT.

All in all, it's more than our house style (cheap-and-cheerful, happy-go-lucky) can cope with for the time being.

So while we are trying to adapt to the changed circumstances, why not have a look at this delightfully silly little video about the Duck & Dog?

Somerset to Launch Space Mission!

The trouble with eye-catching headlines is that there's always someone who will read the underlying article.

Take this one, that we have already commented on. Rather appropriate to re-visit the topic on the day that most of South Somerset ground to a halt due to uncleared snow - YET AGAIN!

Remember how Daffer Jones asked for a calculator a few days back? He was looking at this press release, and started going on about how he'd found the most idiotic claim ever to come out of SCC's £4million per year spin machine ... "an absolute whopper!"

"Look," said Daff, "go on the SCC website, and find statistics."

"OK," I said.

"Right, and so what is the surface area of Somerset?"

"Well, it says here 3,452 square kilometres, but that's the 2001 figure, it's probably grown since Jonesy arrived."

"Sod that," growled Daffer, "now look at what they said about the 'excellent', 'dedicated', 'fantastic' and 'amazing' job they did on the snow."

“We’ve treated in excess of 40,000 sq km with salt in the last week." I read.

"Right," said Daffer, handing me the calculator, "and what's 40,000 divided by 3,452?"

"er, 11 point five eight seven four eight five five one ..."

"all right, all right," Daffer interrupted, "so to any normal person that means they claimed to have coated the whole county in salt twelve times that week, OK?"

"Yeah ... so?"

"That's the ENTIRE SURFACE AREA of the county, TWELVE TIMES OVER, you idiots, not just the A & B roads, but ALL the roads, plus all the fields, the moors, the forests, EVERYTHING. TWELVE TIMES OVER!"

"Bloody Hell, Daff, you're right, that includes all the countryside and everything ..." I said, finally realising what he was on about.

"And all the gardens and driveways too ..." said Pat helpfully.

"Not to mention all the hills and beaches," said someone else.

"And even the Salt Marshes!" added the landlord, shaking his head in wonderment. He normally keeps out of these things but was now finally beginning to comprehend the enormity of the, er, lie(?).

"That's right," said Daff, "and twelve times over, and in just one week."

Who needs Albert Einstein when you've got a sailor with "O" Level maths at the bar?

Einstein Mental State Deteriorating

Me and Daff went to visit poor old Albert in the loonybin yesterday. The old git is still in a catatonic state and repeating over and over again: “Lies! Lies! It vas all LIES!”

Later on, back at the Dog & Duck, we went over the events that led up to Al’s nervous breakdown.

“Well of course it’s all lies,” said Pat, “that’s what our £4million pays for. The truth would speak for itself. It’d not be value for our money if all they did was repeat it, would it like?”

“Hang on a second,” said Daffer Jones, “pass me that calculator.”

Now when an old salt like Daffer asks for a calculator, you know something is up. Last year he tore a strip off some young whippersnapper who dared to ask if he used GPS when he was at sea….

“We’ve missed one!” he said, “an absolute whopper, the biggest one of all!”

And we had, too.

Worse than 140,000,000 + 17,000,000 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference)

Worse than 0.53 x 190,000 x 52 x 3 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference plus an issue around where to put the decimal point)

Much worse….

Einstein suffers apoplectic fit

SCC’s £4million per year spin machine seems determined to give our auditor a nervous breakdown.

Apparently the Executive Committee doesn’t know about the hundreds of millions of pounds in savings that Jonesy & Co. have been announcing, and are actually proposing to put the Council Tax UP!

Unlike the rest of the regulars down the Dog n’ Duck (who are still confidently expecting a decrease of £100+), Albert was not actually surprised by this. That’s because he never believed all that stuff, and even refused to sign up to our summary.

The bit he took exception to this time went as follows:

“For a typical Band D household the increase will be just 53p extra per week … For such a small amount of extra money from each household the Council is able to plan over £200 million of investment in key services such as roads, schools and social care over the next three years.”

[There it is again! That famous £200million! SCC’s favourite number! Ed.]

Anyway, according to the SCC website there are 190,000 households in the county. And according to Albert Einstein, 0.53x52x190,000x3 does not equal 200,000,000.

“Zis time it is out by more zan a factor of 10!” He squawked at the bar last night.

“So what?”, said Daffer (who’s got the maths “O” Level, remember), “That just means they’ve put the decimal point in the wrong place again.”

“But zis is not “investment”, it is “running costs”, zey can NOT use such language…” said Albert. “It is misleading, nein! it is vorse, it is FRAUD!”

Now, when an accountant who also happens to be a famous mathematical genius uses the “F” word, people notice. Especially in a popular local pub that hasn’t even been shut down yet.

Which is how Carla Young came to join in the conversation, and ended up talking about “Excellence” into the small hours, long after the men in white coats had turned up to haul poor old Albert off to the local nuthouse.

A very interesting young lady, Carla - believe it or not she just happens to be a Public Sector Transformer from London who has recently moved into our area.

What a coincidence!

Wires Crossed in County Hall?

Or is it, as Postman (not very PC) Pat suggested, "that lot just ain't wired right!"

The Dog & Duck mailbox has received a link to this astonishing document.

It seems that certain people at SCC have put an awful lot of work into working out CUTS TO SERVICES worth about £4 million!

Our initial observations are twofold. First, why do they need to make cuts when they have spent the last six months going on about how they have saved hundreds of millions of pounds? (And most of them thanks to SouthWest One, which, unlike some SomerBloggers, we have scrupulously avoided criticising - so far!)

... Give SouthWest One a chance, we told ourselves. Perhaps it is true that it is going to save us £200million ....

Anyway, our second observation is more of a question. The £4million hit-list targets things like "community", "care", "achievement", "transport" ... even "drainage" and "ditch clearance" (we thought they'd given up on that years ago, despite all the flooding we get!).

So, they are planning to cut things that we need, and care about. If they really want to make cuts in spite of all the savings, and in spite of the fact that they are sitting on A BILLION POUNDS of our money ... Why don't they get rid of the £4million spin department?

Sorry for all the links in today's post, but some serious inconsistencies are beginning to appear. We only hope this does not mean that the "it's all lies" faction have been right all along ....

Excellent Complaints Management

One thing that has long taxed the (limited) intellectual resources of the Dog n' Duck is how the Forces of Excellence are able to claim that they get so few complaints. However over the weekend a CHUM agent was so incensed by the censorship issue that they leaked us a copy of this spreadsheet. It is self explanatory, and just reinforces what we suspected all along!

Somerset's Darkest Days

I try not to blog when my sense of humour has failed. But today, today has to become an exception.

First, a rumour that Mr. Buchanan may be innocent. There is however no confirmation of this on the Council's website. In any normal Local Authority, the news that a leading Councillor has been cleared by the Standards Board would be something to celebrate. In Somerset's darkest days we wonder whether it will even be reported. Give it time? Maybe.

But as they say in the land of Excellence, "let's park that one". It has been trumped.

There is no easy way to say this. Somerset County Council invested £25 million of our money in Icelandic banks.

In confirming this figure, the Leader of the Council is alleged by the BBC to have said "...the money represented 2.5% of the overall portfolio..." and "...the authority had always tried to be prudent and spread investments..."

£4,000,000 a year on spin, and that is the best they can come up with?

Let's re-spin it.

"2.5%"? That means the Council is sitting on £1,000,000,000 of our money (yes, nine "zeros"). That is more than £5,000 for each household. Why in the name of Alan Jones have they been putting the Council Tax up every year?

"spreading investments"? Iceland makes up 0.003% of the world's population. Somerset's investment represented £100 for every member of that population. An equivalent investment in the banking system of the United Kingdom would amount to £6,500,000,000. If every Council in the UK made a similar investment it would come to £820,000,000,000. The Financial Crisis would be over.

"prudent"? It makes you wonder where they've put the other £975,000,000 that they took from Somerset's Council Tax Payers.

Where was Roger Kershaw when BCCI went tits up? Obviously not learning any lessons. And the country wasn't even a couple of years into a credit crunch at the time (yes, "experts" reckon it started well over a year ago, but Taunton clearly did not notice).

Other councils have also been stupid and have lost money. But I don't care about other councils. They are not cramming Excellence down my throat and bringing Stars to my eyes. They are not fleecing me for the privilege of being subject to their fantasies. And as for the Plus ....

Only £20?

Many people would find it difficult to spend a council’s Information Presentation Budget in a rural county of half a million citizens.

Especially when those citizens are not known for their sophistication. And especially when the amounts involved – were they to be spent on matters of substance - would pretty much pay for a whole Somerset District!

Well, the good news is that our Simon will have plenty of help in spending the £4 million a year Somerset County Council spin budget.

According to information from County Hall, The “Head of Communications” has no less than three “Marketing & Communications Managers”, none of whom are to be confused with the “Communications & Marketing Manager” (spot the difference!).

In addition to this lot, there are two “Access & Communications Managers” who between them deal with “Publications”, “Media”, “Reputation”, and “Branding”.

Now, there may only be six spin managers, but they require an awful lot of support from people with Titles like:

- Events Coordinator
- Media Analyst
- PR Officer
- Communications Officer
- Press Officer
- PR & Communications Officer
- Communications & Media Officer
- Assistant PR, Communications, Media & Press Officer
- etc. etc. (you get the picture, right?)

They are all busy explaining away Jonesy’s words and deeds to the people of $omerset and b€yond. Clearly Excellence is not a product that sells itself!

The bad news is that SCC has flatly refused to fund a new smoking room down at the Dog & Duck, and our annual budget remains at £NIL. We are all disappointed with the lack of cooperation. It seems that on board Jonesy’s ship …

“The spirit of partnership is weaker than the spirit of independence”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice, 2007

… as his Excellency himself once pontificated.