Still Sapping Somerset

If Bullying is the hallmark of Excellence in Somerset, then surely SAP must be its pinnacle. An enterprise-wide solution (aka "a Problem in Disguise") costing tens of millions of pounds, being managed by a foreign body, is held up as the ultimate achievement of the Excellence Years (2003-2009).

So it was a bit of a disappointment to be joined by someone claiming to be a "School Bursar" when we were discussing it down at the Dog & Duck last night.

A growing number of regulars work for organisations who are owed money by SAP but have not been paid, ("it's getting silly!" is the sort of facile statement we are having to put up with from ignorant yokels who do contracting or whatever for the Council).

'You think you've got problems,' said the Bursar, 'schools haven't been able to reconcile SIMS to SAP since the beginning of the year!'

'Huh?' chorused the ignorant yokels.

'What's that got to do with how I'm supposed to pay my wages tomorrow?' yelled some lout from the bar.

'What's a SIM?' asked Daffer.

'SIMS' the Bursar corrected him. 'It's the schools' management system, what we do our accounts on.'

Now, if Albert Einstein were still with us, he would have understood immediately. But for the rest of us, this poor Bursar chappie had to spell it out before we would allow him to go back to drowning his sorrows at the bar.

It seems that the County spends most of our money (hundreds of millions a year, in fact) through schools, and the schools all do their own budgeting. Now, due to the SAP débâcle, none of them can check that they've got it right this year, and if they haven't .... well they won't find out about it until it's too late anyway.

None of which will explain how SAP's creditors are supposed to pay their wages this week ... :-(

SAP it?

We’re having trouble understanding why everyone is getting their knickers in a twist about the SAP.

It’s only a computer system, after all, and the Council’s computer systems seem to be up and down like a tart’s … er, well … a lot anyway. Every time you ‘phone one of those infamous 0845 numbers about anything these days, they always seem to say ‘sorry love, the computers are down’, before explaining that in any case they can’t do anything for anyone about anything, because even though they’ve recorded everything about everyone, they haven’t yet been told anything about anything.

OK, so maybe SAP doesn’t have a great track record elsewhere, but nowhere else is “the best on the planet”, is it?

Also, no-one else can boast the resourcing that “the best on the planet” is able to provide. Take the Council Tax. It went up by 2.7%, against inflation of 0.5%. Even in Albert Einstein’s (hopefully temporary) absence, we can still work out that this means an extra £4,294,114 to spend on SAP (190,000 taxpayers, average tax of £1,027.30, 2.2% margin over inflation).

And if you add the £4,000,000 they’ve saved by cuts to libraries, roads, achievement, care, the PMC, etc., then that is WELL OVER £8,000,000 to spend on flying in armies of Bangalori analysts and programmers to work furiously in Taunton basements.

All this, of course, is in addition to the efforts of the “SuperUsers”, who swoop up and down the corridors of County Hall, capes swirling, fingers gliding over keyboards and elsewhere, soothing digital distress.

And as if that were not enough, there are all those key managers wandering around monitoring progress, logging disasters and having meetings in a place they call the War Room, about keys and other essential “issues around” security and data and stuff like that. Meetings have a proven track record of coming up with evidence of Excellence in the face of reality, and we are confident that the keys are being well managed.

Remember also that these guys are used to managing on the brink of chaos – according to Jonesy’s presentations around the world, they’ve been doing it for years.

So there may be a bit more confusion around than usual, but luckily we are dealing with committed partners here, so where’s the problem?

American Bull in Somerset

Being a pretty adventurous bunch ourselves, the Dog & Duck team have, I think you will all agree, been pretty slow to criticise the SouthWestOne adventure.

After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).

So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.

Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).

However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.

[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]

If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".

The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:

"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."

Blimey!

That rules out any scope for "rounding differences" (as in £140,000,000 + £17,000,000 = £200,000,000 ... rounding to one significant figure, an extremely significant figure in Somerset, as it happens).

It's a good job Albert Einstein is in an old-fashioned straightjacket and receiving regular doses of ECT - 'cos heaven alone knows what he'd make of this lot!

Einstein confirms Iceland losses

SCC has its own version of the Dog & Duck. They call it the "Scrutiny Committee" and it met on 6th January 2009.

As a gesture of solidarity, we bought them each a calculator for Christmas, using the extra money that we're going to have thanks to the massive reduction in Somerset council tax expected this year. And it looks like it worked, too! This is what the committee was told:

the £25m had been invested as 5 separate deposits of £5m each

i.e. 5x5=25!

Not even Albert Einstein could argue with that one, even if he is too thick to understand that 140+17=200.

Daffer Jones, who knows all about sailing close to the wind in the North Atlantic, said that he wouldn't have been surprised if there had been 25 deposits of £5million each.

After all, using Jonesy's innovative mathematical methods (patented by IBM), this might also come to a mere £25 million.

Cyber-bullying (2) - keep it real!

Just in case anyone is wondering what all the fuss was about - here is previously unseen footage of the Mogg's repeated vicious and unprovoked attacks on South West One.

Wicked(:-)) pussy! Poor innocent, defenceless baby!

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 2) - diagnosis

This is a serious week, for a serious subject (Organisational Terror, in case you've forgotten). No jokes.

So today, the regulars down at the Dog n' Duck would like to invite you all to examine the inner workings of your mind, to see whether you too are a Potential Organisational Terrorist.

Statistics have shown that POTs are most likely to be:

(1) recent recruits (watch out for Simon & Meic);
(2) newly elected (check out "question 3");
(3) refugees from the private sector (Yikes! That's the whole of IBM); and
(4) used to working in smaller organisations (Phew. IBM ruled out, our £400 million is safe).

As with drugs, young minds are most vulnerable. This is because they suffer from something called "idealism", also known as illusions. Fortunately Somerset County Council has an award-winning inducktrination program that has a proven track record of turning illusions into delusions.

That program uses the techniques of NLP ("Neuro Linguistic Programming" for those of you who are still not familiar with the inner workings of Excellence) to identify an individual's susceptibility to POTism.

What happens is this. To prepare for your journey, you do all that deep breathing, relaxation, visualisation, envisioning, and self-realisation stuff. Then you allow your mind to range freely over the Strategic Excellence Agenda and Service Delivery Branding Options and all the rest of it.

At this point, if your mind cannot be cleared of doubts and insists on returning to practicalities, and vernacular expressions such as "that ain't right!", then not only are you an ignorant yokel, but you have a problem.

Sorry, I meant "we" have a problem.

"Our" problem is that you are a Terrorist Outrage waiting to happen. There are two options. Either you can get rid of yourself, or you can read the advice being posted later this week.

I told you he had balls!

Just in case anyone thought that Jonesy was considering curtailing his career in pubic squeaking ... just have a look at what he has let himself in for on 17th February 2009!

Now, in case I need to remind anyone, we are paying for all this. So I hope everyone will be taking a close interest in the second ever "Annual Public Sector Transformation Summit".

It has been confirmed that Jonesy will be sharing our experience of "using joint ventures to drive service transformation".

This will involve "determining how JV’s can bring about significant procurement savings", and "exploring the transformation initiatives that have benefited from a joint venture framework".

Hopefully the outcomes will be shared with us, and may help to clear up some of the confusion.

In the meantime, we regulars down at the Dog & Duck will be doing our best to articulate that confusion. Who knows - maybe some Public Sector Transformer will appear at the bar, as if by magic, to inform our debate?

And maybe one or more of the debaters will appear at the Conference in London next February with a few troublesome details for Jonesy to clear up!

Roger’s Risk Assessment

Apparently not all Local Authorities are stupid. Like Somerset, East Northamptonshire Council had a load of cash stashed away in Iceland. Then they did this thing called “a risk management assessment of what was going on.” As a result their Leader was able to say "That means we didn't lose any money.”

What was Roger doing at the time? Oh yes, I remember. He was acting the part of Corporate Director of Resources, which involved

1) faffing about with groundbreaking initiatives;
1a) an enormous paycheck;
2) babbling on about Excellence;
2a) an even bigger paycheck;
3) authorising payments of £140,000;
3a) an absolutely gi-normous paycheck; and
4) Heaven only knows what else
(possibly involving brown envelopes full of £50 notes).

Then of course there was this §151 business. A little bird (naughty little bird!) told me that Roger’s Risk Assessment went something like this:

Christ! There’s all this shit going down in Taunton, and here’s poor little me acting as a §151 officer! And then there are all those things I am supposed to be §151ing. But Alan glares at me just for thinking it. And I can see him thinking and wondering if I’m an Organisational Terrorist and snarling something in my direction about how its time we had a permanent Corporate Director and did I really want to risk seeing the job “advertised externally”? And that is a risk I am not prepared to take so I better just shut up and who needs a business case anyway? So as Alan says I better focus on the big picture and important things like how to write big words in small spaces, like the words “Twenty-Five Million, One Hundred and Forty Thousand Pounds only” in that tiny little space on a Somerset County Council cheque. And if I use a biro there’s less risk to the Council that someone will alter the cheque when it gets lost. And that’s about all of §151 that any actor can take.

Anyway the Guardians and Verifiers of Excellence have also thrown millions away. So Somerset County Council were not the only ones who were too busy with Excellence to bother with “a risk management assessment of what was going on.”

And if that is Excellence, then God help Somerset when Jonesy & Co. drag us beyond it!

Grumbling Ducks (2)

Just checked my email and guess what, a County Council service I have been using (the only one, I think) is going to be curtailed, because "the powers that be" are getting tight with funding.

In the pre-Excellence days, of course, this would have just run off with a shrug.

However, nowadays County is spending £4million a year on presentation (roughly £20 per household), and who knows how much on staff brainwashing, statisticians, Excellence consultants, additional legal fees, IBM etc. There is even a rumour that every household in Somerset had to chip in nearly £1 each just to pay off one of the Chief Executive's lady friends in time for the Excellence inspection.

So in that context, this Duck feels ever so slightly aggrieved. In the old days he may even have been naïve enough to consider complaining! (A sure fire way to get the offending service cut completely.)

But now all we have is the blog, and it is time to re-focus on our core business, which is to examine and to try to unravel the thing called "Excellence".

This has been a miserable little post, so here's a film to cheer you up. An excellent (small "e"), short, management training video all about something SCC seems to have signed up to in order to deal with complaints. It is called the "it could be worse" programme : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl_WPggs1cw

Don't you just love that phrase "delegitimise complaints"? I'm sure we'll hear more of it! What a useful management tool. Money well spent Jonesy!

Excellent Economics!

Now, I may be really stupid or something, but at first I couldn’t quite understand how a project saving £1.7 million per year over 10 years would save £200 million in total. You see, being a simpleton, I thought Jonesy was saying 1.7 x 10 = 200.

Luckily me mate Albert Einstein is an accountant, and he explained it all to us last night, down at the Dog & Duck. He started by droning on about this thing called economics, and inflation and discounting and investment returns and opportunity costs and all that sort of stuff.

Huh? We stare at Al as if he’s dropped in from another planet.

“Look,” says Al, “a regular cash flow of £1.7 million per year, with a compound return of 43.3% over a ten year period, would give you £200 million.”

“Cut it OUT Al!” says I. “Give it to us straight. You know, like Jonesy says, in a way that real people can understand!”

“OK,” says Al. “How much is your house worth?”

“Well,” says I, “last year it was valued at £200,000.”

“OK,” says Al. “Now get this, if Jonesy’s economic forecast is correct, by the end of the SCC/IBM contract your house will be worth £7.3 million!”

And as the Spaghetti Monster is my witness, Your Honour, that is how I came to put the deposit on a Lear Jet.

Plus Fours

Hurray! Another bit of literature from the County Council arrived in the letter box today, shedding light on what Jonesy meant by "Beyond Excellence".

To be honest, I thought this whole "Beyond Excellence" nonsense was just a smokescreen. I suspected (quite wrongly, as it happens) that Jonesy was trying to confuse us even more, so as to distract attention from the IBM saga. And the various other sagas.

But no, it seems that the County Council has genuinely managed to improve on its four stars ("the most you can get", as they never tired of telling us). They have now been given a "plus", and to celebrate this have decided to invest in a new flag.

Unfortunately, it seems that the plus is to be placed in front of the stars. The obvious thing would have been to put the plus after the stars, as in "4+". That would at least have made sense to primary school kids and their parents and teachers.

This is what Jonesy (Chief Executive of Somerset County Council) said to his new Head of Communications ("Spin Doctor" to you and me) earlier in the summer: "... we must be careful not to let this 'internal speak' flow over into the language which we use both to describe success and to get our messages across to people ... We are interested in the real things that real people use to judge ..."

Real people? A bit of googling soon led me to the conclusion that Plus Fours are only really of interest to geriatric golfers!

The Somerset Inquisition?

People ask why I am indifferent to the IBM saga. It's quite simple really, I don't understand it. All I know is what they said on TV, i.e. it is going to cost us a zillion squid, but the Boss says it will save billions in the long run ("We in Somerset have a ten-year-plan"). All we need is faith in the Boss, and everything will be all right. As for IBM, well my Nan says they make really good typewriters.

It all sounded fine until they mentioned the name "Councillor Buchanan". To be honest, I had never heard of him up until that point. I knew about the Boss, and as I said last night was mightily pissed off when he accused me of worshipping the Spaghetti Monster on Valentine's day. I also knew that the regime in County Hall was harsh on employees who asked questions, raised concerns, expressed doubt, or otherwise behaved inappropriately. More about this another time, perhaps.

But a Councillor? This was taking things WAY too far. After all, these are the people we elect to represent us. I had even started writing to my own County Councillor to complain about the Spaghetti Monster and other issues. If they can be bullied, harassed and silenced, then what is the point of voting? This reminded me of Zimbabwe, and is the thing that really made me sit up and start paying attention.

It was quite clear that the Journalist was accusing the Boss of making up complaints about the Councillor who disagreed with him, and of then sending these complaints to the Standards Board (something else I'd never heard of until last week), in order to shut him up. Now I am not a shrink or a fortune cookie, but even I noticed the body language and saw the Boss literally put his hands up (both of them).

I also get suspicious when people answer a question with another question. In this case the Journalist asked the Boss why he had made "x dozen" complaints about the Councillor, and the Boss immediately replied "where did you get that figure from?" One can imagine the poor sod who revealed the figure being tarred and feathered and made to lick the floor of County Hall for the entire duration of his notice period.

The Boss did manage to calm down, and finally started talking about the complaints to the Standards Board. He spoke sternly, saying

"... evidence was gathered from people who supplied it willingly."

Those were his exact words - I wrote them down so as not to forget.

It made me wonder what would have happened to anyone who was not "willing". And why was "evidence" being "gathered" in the first place? It sounded like the Spanish Inquisition.

Why this blog?

We who live in the beautiful County of Somerset are truly blessed. Our rulers have been officially proclaimed as "excellent" by none other than the main man - Audit Commission himself. Elsewhere, paying Council Tax may be a pain in the a*se, here it is a privilege. This is something that is drummed into us every time we receive a communication from the esteemed organisation, whether by email, letter or fax.

Last week, however, a TV programme called West Eye View (HTV 24/7/08 7.30 pm) tried to shatter our comfortable illusions. Frankly the general topic didn't seem that interesting: something about the Council selling off staff to IBM. Big deal! Check it out at http://www.showofhands.co.uk/ (the Bristol Slaver, on Dark Fields), or read your history books. Selling people to the Americans is nothing new around here!

The TV programme had an innocuous title - "Public Money, Private Gain" or something like that (so what's new?). However the startling thing about the programme was not the content but the atmosphere. Spooky. While they did allow our Chief Executive to go on about excellence and even to mutter something about moving "Beyond Excellence", they also filmed an awful lot of squirming and blank expressions. Important people were seen throwing numbers around like a bunch of Zimbabwean Bankers.

The unanswered questions and "things that can't be talked about" led me to do a bit of googling. The results were truly appalling, a genuine 21st Century Cringe Comic Opera. I also discovered Google blogs, and decided to start one of my very own.