Friday the 31st

So an observation from the regulars would seem appropriate, and it goes like this:

Victims of bullying are like spilt milk - not worth crying over. As we have said all along.

All the Forces of Excellence have to do is apply a bit of heat, either with a blowtorch or a P45, and the stuff evaporates leaving nothing but a stain and a bad smell.

Then if they can string things out for long enough, even that disappears!

Who Pays Wins! ...

... is the motto of the"Special Excellence Service", or SES as some would have it.

Down at the D&D we reckon that this is in fact a load of bollox, as WE were the ones who paid for it all, and we most definitely did not win!

Anyway, for anyone who wants to see what the legal system does when someone without representation goes up against someone with unrestricted access to our wallets ... click here.

(WARNING! Link should not be attempted by miners or people suffering from high blood pressure, or indeed anyone who would rather that their illusions remain intact. Ed.)

Taunton Terror Trials - End Game?

The "incompetence or malice?" issue should finally be resolved in Taunton next week.

Let us be confident that the judges will do their jobs properly and establish who's who in the world of Somerset Terror, with no more evasion, distraction, distortion or spin.

Incredible as it may sound (especially to the regulars down at the Dog & Duck who have had experience), the story this time is that the Forces of Excellence were in fact the victims of bullying. Yep, that's right, same as perpetrators, but in reverse!

Now this may sound like a sick joke, but let us remember that an acknowledged "culture of bullying" was one of the building blocks of Excellence as Somerset knows it. Also, a lot of people now have experience of living under Excellence. They will know that it is has been standard management practice for anyone who asks unhelpful questions to be branded a "bully".

However, up until now, that has been a purely internal procedure. To the outside world, dissenters have always been presented as "Organizational Terrorists", at least since Venice. This implies some sort of subversive underground movement, rather than a display of jackbooted authority. And it's pretty obvious why - imagine headlines in the Sun:

Mouse Terrorises Cat!; or

Somerset Worm Scares Birds!

Anyone who wants the full background to the sordid little saga could do worse than check out Hansard. (P.S. - nice to see someone standing up for a political opponent for a change!)

As for next week, everyone at the D&D says:

Good Luck Paul!

Cultural Bullying?

Now that the elections are all over, the landlord is allowing us to post again. Hurray!

So … regardless of who wins the elections (party-wise that is), we feel that the issue of Bullying ought to be addressed by the new members. You see, down at the Dog & Duck we agree with Sir Chris Clarke that this sort of thing is a bit unhealthy, and really shouldn’t be allowed.

Some of the latest raw material can be found in this article, which needs reading ...

Expect more on bullying from the Dog & Duck in coming weeks, drawing on the archives and personal experiences of the regular and casual clientèle.

Allez Jim! Go Doug!

In the week that Somerset achieved its latest accolade: a well-deserved mention in the “Rotten Boroughs” section of Private Eye (“vindictive campaign backfires”); and Dog & Duck regulars achieved previously unimagined depths of despair; a bit of good news came in from – of all places – You Tube!

The latest “SCC – politico-administrative disaster area” video was, potentially, yet another wrench to the already pummelled gut of Joe Public. We saw it just before closing time on Friday evening. It had been up less than twelve hours, but had already been viewed more than 100 times!

At first even the battle-hardened regulars were shocked at just how rude and disrespectful Simon (£4 million) Clifford was to Mr. Buchanan.

‘Well, b*gger it Duck,’ said Pat, ‘just exactly who is supposed to be smearing who?’

‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Daff, ‘wind back a minute … that looked like our Jim!’

‘You’re dead right, Daff!’ said I, ‘and the other one’s Doug!’

Well, how about that for a turn up? At least one, maybe two representatives from Dog & Duck country apparently showing public support for Paul van Buitenen! (sorry, meant to say “Buchanan” – Freudian slip).

So it’s not just Sir Chris Clarke making a stand then. And the landlord was totally made up (Jim’s a mate of his) - so much so that he allowed us to write this post, which almost strays into the forbidden realms of “Politics”.

See the complete video here.

Maybe they’re not all a bunch of lily-livered lemmings! Maybe we will bother to vote after all!

And anyway - we're a County, not a "Borough".

And they expect us to bother to vote?

Hard to believe, but some of the regulars were approached by electioneering types yesterday.

Apparently there is this thing called a "Council Election" coming up, and a bunch of them were out there with their clipboards and surveillance footage. They were trying to persuade the ignorant yokels to get out of bed on some day next month to go down and vote for a new Councillor.

Meanwhile - and believe this or not, as you wish ... one of the regulars is actually a "leading light" of a high-powered local organisation. She was able to confirm that there is in fact an election coming up soon, as it was mentioned at a meeting of this particular body. There was an issue, you see, over something the Council was supposed to be doing (no! not filling in potholes on the roads - we've given up on that one!).

It seems that one board member suggested that now would be a good time to raise the issue with the relevant Councillor, given that there was this election coming up. The suggestion was greeted with derisive hooting and snorting, and a scornful 'you don't seriously think the Councillors run that place do you?'

As the Dog & Duck is most definitely a secret society (Landlord's rule 1), our colleague was obliged to say nothing throughout this exchange (which became quite heated by all accounts). However, she did tell us all about it last night, in a discussion about the depths to which the expectations of Somerset residents have plunged over the past few years.

The discussion was prompted by this article about how the Buchanan saga has been allowed to drag on YET AGAIN, and how the ruling Junta has managed to drag Sir Chris Clarke into the fray. Now, he's one we HAVE heard of. He was leader of the Council in the days when the politicians were in charge. They even had a word for it. Let me see ... oh yes! "Democracy" they called it.

Down at the Dog & Duck we have another term for it. We call it "the good old days".

GUTTED!

We have just come across this - Mr. Liddell Grainger's latest speech about Wonderland.

Everyone is agreed. This is NOT FUNNY.

Yet another serious sense of humour failure is blighting the Dog & Duck, thanks to Jonesy's shower.

Daffer is on the warpath with a filleting knife. Normally it's used for fish when he's at sea, but he would like to make it clear that if half of what ILG says is true, then it will work perfectly well "for that little squirt that I'm ashamed to share a name with ..."

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 4) - information

If you are unable to curb your Terrorist leanings, then you should at least ensure that you are well informed. We have a couple of Former Organisational Terrorists down at the Dog n’ Duck, who are prepared to offer advice free of charge.

It is like counselling – the FOTs ask you all sorts of questions and leave you to draw your own conclusions (yeah right, what kind of “advice” is that? … well, if you are a Potential Organisational Terrorist it’s the best you’re gonna get!).

Anyway, the questions go like this:

(1) Do you want all the rooms at County Hall to fall silent as soon as you walk in?
(2) Do you want half the HR department to suddenly be tasked with a detailed review of your performance?
(3) Do you want to be reported to the Standards Board?
(4) Do you want a Business Re-engineering Consultant to be paid £10,000 for an essay on why the Public Sector Transformation Agenda requires that your job should be given a new title and then given to someone else (who is not on the POT register)?
(5) Do you want your colleagues to be informed, in a solemn voice and with much pursing of lips, that you are being offered “extra training”?
(6) Do you want to put your family through a nightmare likely to result in insanity or poverty affecting current and future generations?

Obviously, for most people the answer to this sort of question is “no”.

That means that most POTs realise that the only sensible course of action is to sit down, shut up, and write out 100 times: “140+17=200, or 210, or 140,000, or whatever Jonesy says it is”.

Because, as a former (District) Councillor told us, “… County Councillors have to be very brave to stick their heads above the parapet in Taunton.”

UNISON sources confirm that the same applies to members of staff (universally referred to as “officers”, even the ones who would barely qualify as “other ranks”!)

But sadly, there will always be some who are too brave, or just too stupid to understand the consequences of failing to control their urges. There is even a charity that has been set up for these very people. It is called Public Concern at Work.

Dog n’ Duck veterans, however, would strongly advise you to have nothing whatsoever to do with this outfit! Experience has shown that they actively encourage you to Terrorise your Organisation, and seek to radicalise you with promises of support and assurances about legal protection. However, once you have actually committed an Outrage, they reckon that their work is done. Then they leave you well and truly in the slurry pit, because the reality is: no-one really gives a shit.

Apart from the cattle of course - otherwise there wouldn’t be a slurry pit.

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 3) - remedies

So what do you do on discovering that you are a POT? DO NOT DESPAIR!

There are a number of possible cures available, most of which involve joining a satanic cult (which is not as bad as it sounds, and could be quite fun really!). Ordinary witchcraft (wicca) & VooDoo have also been known to help. The HR Department at County Hall will be pleased to advise, not least because it will give them a chance to make sure you are on the POT register.

However, at the end of the day, Organisational Terrorism is like sex. If all else fails you should at least be well informed (Thursday) and take sensible precautions (Friday).

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 2) - diagnosis

This is a serious week, for a serious subject (Organisational Terror, in case you've forgotten). No jokes.

So today, the regulars down at the Dog n' Duck would like to invite you all to examine the inner workings of your mind, to see whether you too are a Potential Organisational Terrorist.

Statistics have shown that POTs are most likely to be:

(1) recent recruits (watch out for Simon & Meic);
(2) newly elected (check out "question 3");
(3) refugees from the private sector (Yikes! That's the whole of IBM); and
(4) used to working in smaller organisations (Phew. IBM ruled out, our £400 million is safe).

As with drugs, young minds are most vulnerable. This is because they suffer from something called "idealism", also known as illusions. Fortunately Somerset County Council has an award-winning inducktrination program that has a proven track record of turning illusions into delusions.

That program uses the techniques of NLP ("Neuro Linguistic Programming" for those of you who are still not familiar with the inner workings of Excellence) to identify an individual's susceptibility to POTism.

What happens is this. To prepare for your journey, you do all that deep breathing, relaxation, visualisation, envisioning, and self-realisation stuff. Then you allow your mind to range freely over the Strategic Excellence Agenda and Service Delivery Branding Options and all the rest of it.

At this point, if your mind cannot be cleared of doubts and insists on returning to practicalities, and vernacular expressions such as "that ain't right!", then not only are you an ignorant yokel, but you have a problem.

Sorry, I meant "we" have a problem.

"Our" problem is that you are a Terrorist Outrage waiting to happen. There are two options. Either you can get rid of yourself, or you can read the advice being posted later this week.

National Anti-Bullying Week(1) - context

For five whole days, Organisational Terrorists and those who dare to negotiate with them can breathe easy. Down at the Dog n' Duck we are confident that, between them, Simon & Meic will be able to restrain their superiors' natural urges to "gather evidence" and brandish the P45s. At least until Friday.

And how better to remind ourselves of the problem than in the words of Jonesy himself:

“… there are organizational “terrorists”. These persons may even be in the top team or at the most senior level of the local authority. It is important to get rid of these people …”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice 2007

Good Luck Chaps!

Organisational Terrorism in the spotlight again

Nice to see that the Beeb (radio 4 no less) and the Man are taking an interest in how to create Excellence.

Famous OTs being unmasked and hopefully getting their just desserts include Paul Van Buitenen (nice pseudonym Paul - but just a teeny weeny bit obvious innit?) and Sherron Watkins. Both of them feature in the hall of shame referred to in the story about Somerset's War on Terror.

But I would not like to have to clean Jonesy's underpants if anyone raises this at today's lunch in Frome! It is one thing swanking and bullshitting in front of a bunch of foreigners in Venice, quite another to risk facing your victims direct. (Whether they like it or not, Frome is still in Somerset, just about.)

It's like a voluntary form of restorative justice. Whatever complaints there may be about Jones - you have to admit he's got balls!

Somerset's War on Terror

Jonesy has repeatedly congratulated himself, at home and abroad, for his success in the War on Organisational Terror.

So who is this “enemy within”? What organisations have they terrorised? What did they do, or say, or write, that terrified their victims?

Even the most incompetent Googler will quickly work out that Organisational Terrorists did not come into being purely to interfere with Jonesy’s delusions of Excellence.

In fact this evil breed has been active since the beginning of time. The second person in history, and the very first woman ever invented, was also the first Organisational Terrorist. She upset the applecart in Eden (NB: the Garden of Eden was officially recognised as the world’s first “Excellent” organisation in the year 6000 B.C.).

Eve threatened to tell God about what she and the Man got up to behind the bike shed, so the Man got rid of her by feeding her to a serpent. It didn’t cost the Garden of Eden £140,000. In fact, it didn’t cost anything – there’s a thought!

More recently another lady, Karen Silkwood, asked all sorts of unhelpful questions. The victim was a Nuclear Technology Organisation. In accordance with the principles of sincerity that underpin Excellence, the Organisation earnestly welcomed these questions. Then she was killed.

As Jonesy said in Venice "It is important to get rid of these people.”

And it’s not just women, or foreigners. In fact the OTs have their own Hall of Shame!

Incompetence or Malice?

Another Somerset County Councillor has got into trouble, and there seems to be quite a lot of glee about it in the SomerBlogging community. It seems the chap in the slurry pit this time is one of Jonesy's mates.

But I, for one, am not interested. The thing I want to know is: how was the Buchanan issue concluded? You know, Cornwall's troublesome "question 3".

Most of us will recall how shifty Jones became when the subject of his relationship with the Standards Board came up on TV (West Eye View, 24/07/08). He was accused of using the Standards Board to get rid of Councillor Buchanan, and eventually put his hands up to it.

Somerset County Council continues to batten down the hatches on information, so as usual we will have to spell it out. Since they are obviously good at ticking boxes, perhaps these will help:

Have the complaints against Cllr Buchanan been upheld by the Standards Board?
Yes c
No c

If the answer is "yes" then we can make our sincerest apologies to Alan Jones for casting aspersions, and blame the Standards Board for not getting their fingers out. Their incompetence will have caused Jonesy a great deal of aggro.

On the other hand, if the tick goes in the "no" box ... (It is so simple isn't it? "Yes" or "No"), then the next question asks itself. Were the complaints the result of incompetence or malice?

Jonesy himself told us on TV how the complaints originated. In his own words, "evidence was gathered from people who supplied it willingly". He admitted that he himself then submitted that evidence to the Standards Board. In other words, he made the decision that the evidence gathered warranted investigation.

This decision was made by someone who costs us at least £160,000 per year (about £1 for every Council Tax payer), just to be in post. It was made by someone who also spends thousands of our pounds on legal advice every year, and who bought himself TWO new in-house lawyers this summer (a big one earning "up to £84,000" and a little one earning "up to £61,000").

So I say again: was this decision incompetent, or was it malicious?

Either way, there is a clear case for impeachment. No golden parachute. Not a penny more!

Excellent words from Venice!

Many thanks to Clara, who was at Venice last November, for putting us on to another rich vein of Excellent Jonesisms. For example, this is how he described his internal critics:

“There are organizational “terrorists”. These persons may even be in the top team or at the most senior level of the local authority. It is important to get rid of these people.”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice, 2007

When the history of Somerset County Council in the 21st Century is written, the story of how this intellectual cleansing was achieved will warrant a chapter all of its own. Perhaps it is something that the Audit Commission will examine in detail as part of the next Excellence inspection?

That way the Excellent practice they uncover can be spread to all parts of the country.

Jonesy also used the opportunity provided by Venice to chew over a few sour grapes left over from his failed attempt to spread his cloak over the Somerset Districts, going on about

“… misplaced rivalry between organizations, e.g., the district councils fighting one another and fighting with the county councils.”
Alan Jones, Chief Executive of Somerset County Council, Venice, 2007

Come here (Somerset) and say that, Jonesy, if you dare! And while you’re rubbing our noses in it from afar, how much did that particular débâcle of your making cost us?

Sorry folks, another sense of humour failure …. Jonesy and his crew do have that effect – must be the latest red letter about my Council Tax!

Source: http://www.items.fr/spip.php?page=globalforum&id_rubrique=82

Grumbling Ducks (2)

Just checked my email and guess what, a County Council service I have been using (the only one, I think) is going to be curtailed, because "the powers that be" are getting tight with funding.

In the pre-Excellence days, of course, this would have just run off with a shrug.

However, nowadays County is spending £4million a year on presentation (roughly £20 per household), and who knows how much on staff brainwashing, statisticians, Excellence consultants, additional legal fees, IBM etc. There is even a rumour that every household in Somerset had to chip in nearly £1 each just to pay off one of the Chief Executive's lady friends in time for the Excellence inspection.

So in that context, this Duck feels ever so slightly aggrieved. In the old days he may even have been naïve enough to consider complaining! (A sure fire way to get the offending service cut completely.)

But now all we have is the blog, and it is time to re-focus on our core business, which is to examine and to try to unravel the thing called "Excellence".

This has been a miserable little post, so here's a film to cheer you up. An excellent (small "e"), short, management training video all about something SCC seems to have signed up to in order to deal with complaints. It is called the "it could be worse" programme : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl_WPggs1cw

Don't you just love that phrase "delegitimise complaints"? I'm sure we'll hear more of it! What a useful management tool. Money well spent Jonesy!

The net closes in ...

Phew! Only yesterday I posted a link to a document on the internet, and today it has been shredded - allegedly at the request of the Standards Board ... see : http://www.scribd.com/word/removal/4074094

However according to the webstats over 400 people viewed the document before it was censored, including, you will all be glad to know, ME!

And in case you are worried about the fictional work in progress (http://joiningthedotz.blogspot.com/) this blogger, let me tell you, has a memory like a Supergrass. He can remember, with crystal clear photographic recall, documents that never existed at all. The dots are in good hands!

More to the point, during the months that this extraordinary 32-page document was up on the net, many of us had puzzled over a key question: was it genuine, or was it a fake?

You see, it certainly LOOKED genuine - layout, language, subject matter, etc. However when you read it closely (as I certainly did), the content was so extraordinary that I really did have doubts. Among other things, it showed Roger dropping Jonesy right in the slurry pit. Up to his neck in it he would have been (except that Roger pitched him in head first).

As time passed, I slowly came to the conclusion that it was, in fact, a hoax. The main evidence for this was that every time I drove past County Hall, the Plus Fours continued to flutter from the flag pole. If the document HAD been genuine, I had no doubt, the Plus Fours would have been promptly replaced with Roger's Noodly Appendage. Pour décourager les autres!

Anyway, of course, the fact that they have now gone to all the trouble (and our expense) of getting the thing removed does add considerably to the case for authenticity.

Which leads one to wonder - what actually has been done with Roger's ... wotsits?

Do they mean us?

Oh dear, oh dear - be careful what you blog for! No, Jonesy hasn't quit, but his sense of humour does seem to have failed us, again - see here: http://www.lgcplus.com/InthisweeksLGC/2008/08/chief_threatens_legal_action_over_fake_blog.html

Hurray! More threats from our local hero! Blogs and films under fire ... now, which particular blog does he mean? Could it be one of these?

http://thedragonstear.blogspot.com/
http://joiningthedotz.blogspot.com/
http://rogerkershawconfesses.blogspot.com/
http://theofficialalanjonesblog.blogspot.com/
(there are others, but I'm squeamish - you'll have to surf for them yourselves)

or is it the one that started it all? http://www.liddellgrainger.org.uk/ian/MOGGTHEBLOGISBACK.html

As for "films" ... I can find these
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiklM51QRfU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gCETYnygA0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3KzR5AL1cs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuBedgK7_Kw

Whatever, but I cannot believe Blogbuster Jones would want to draw anyone's attention to THIS! http://www.scribd.com/word/removal/4074094 (that really would be cutting his own throat, even if it is just a series of dots - so far ...)

POSTSCRIPT: SORRY FOR THE DUFF LINK. SEE TOMORROW'S BLOG ENTRY FOR FURTHER DETAILS. http://farbeyondexcellence.blogspot.com/2008/08/net-closes-in.html

Anyway, the good news is that Jonesy has given us two new numbers to play with: £17 million (in savings to SCC), and £140 million (in "procurement savings"). I'll get Albert and his calculator on the job, so he can explain these to us.

Somerset’s Mugabe

Thanks to DNA we now know that everyone in the world is related. Three foot pygmies in undiscovered (except by themselves of course) tribes in the Amazon Jungle. Eight foot Africans. 5’10” spotty teenage oiks in Yeovil. You. Me. Jonesy. All the same.

Hitler had the same genes as Moses. Kruger (who would not have believed it of course, seeing as how he insisted until his dying day that the world was flat) was related to Mandela. Sorry Nelson. Fact.

The scientists also say that it only takes 10,000 years for people to evolve from white to black (and vice versa), so this is not as fanciful as it may seem …

… and I sometimes wonder what would happen if Mugabe were in charge of Somerset ...

Inflation would be 43.3%
The Police would get a good deal
Morgan would be reported to the Standards Board for being a pirate
The County Farms would be sold off
All Robert’s cronies would get cracking jobs
Anyone he didn’t like would be threatened then sacked
If the wrong people were elected he would cut off ….

… Yikes! What about Bloggers?

The Somerset Inquisition?

People ask why I am indifferent to the IBM saga. It's quite simple really, I don't understand it. All I know is what they said on TV, i.e. it is going to cost us a zillion squid, but the Boss says it will save billions in the long run ("We in Somerset have a ten-year-plan"). All we need is faith in the Boss, and everything will be all right. As for IBM, well my Nan says they make really good typewriters.

It all sounded fine until they mentioned the name "Councillor Buchanan". To be honest, I had never heard of him up until that point. I knew about the Boss, and as I said last night was mightily pissed off when he accused me of worshipping the Spaghetti Monster on Valentine's day. I also knew that the regime in County Hall was harsh on employees who asked questions, raised concerns, expressed doubt, or otherwise behaved inappropriately. More about this another time, perhaps.

But a Councillor? This was taking things WAY too far. After all, these are the people we elect to represent us. I had even started writing to my own County Councillor to complain about the Spaghetti Monster and other issues. If they can be bullied, harassed and silenced, then what is the point of voting? This reminded me of Zimbabwe, and is the thing that really made me sit up and start paying attention.

It was quite clear that the Journalist was accusing the Boss of making up complaints about the Councillor who disagreed with him, and of then sending these complaints to the Standards Board (something else I'd never heard of until last week), in order to shut him up. Now I am not a shrink or a fortune cookie, but even I noticed the body language and saw the Boss literally put his hands up (both of them).

I also get suspicious when people answer a question with another question. In this case the Journalist asked the Boss why he had made "x dozen" complaints about the Councillor, and the Boss immediately replied "where did you get that figure from?" One can imagine the poor sod who revealed the figure being tarred and feathered and made to lick the floor of County Hall for the entire duration of his notice period.

The Boss did manage to calm down, and finally started talking about the complaints to the Standards Board. He spoke sternly, saying

"... evidence was gathered from people who supplied it willingly."

Those were his exact words - I wrote them down so as not to forget.

It made me wonder what would have happened to anyone who was not "willing". And why was "evidence" being "gathered" in the first place? It sounded like the Spanish Inquisition.