Fowl run-off

Some things, however, make the duck feel like he's been thrown into the slurry pit then hung out to dry in the middle of a six-week heat wave.

Based on their actual day-to-day experience, a lot of people think that Somerset County Council is OK, but a bit of a shambles at times. It would be unfair to give details that are specific, so better not to give any at all, but the local ducks have been known to grumble.

For the sins of grumbling, sighing, and doubting (or even worse, failing to notice!) the arrival of Excellence, this is what Jonesy said about us:

"In the light of this assessment, they now join the ranks of those who believe the earth is flat, that the Holocaust never happened, and those who dress as pirates to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodly appendages."

I read the above in February on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/somerset/7245071.stm.
I was most definitely not amused, in fact it quite ruined my Valentine's day.

This is just one example of the insults they expect us to swallow. Maybe we are slow, even a bit backward; but do they think we are really stupid or what?

Injury - water off a duck's back

Most of us know that it is hard running a local authority and can admit a little indulgence. The big government piles more and more b*llsh1t on the little government, and gives them all the sh1tty jobs - like a junior partner in a law firm (read any John Grisham novel for details).

So when we bounce along the neglected country lanes, with their ruts and overgrown hedges, their floods and debris from blocked culverts, we reflect on the damage being done to our vehicles and rejoice at this ingenious way of supporting the local economy. My mate the garage man explained how it works. Somerset garages gain a valuable source of income from the thousands of people that have to get their suspension, tyres, windscreens and so on replaced prematurely. We may not have our own automotive industry, but the labour costs go straight into the hands of local people.

To some extent this is also an excellent voluntary tax on the an*lly retentive. We all have to get through the MOT, but apparently some people (called "townies") even go in to get scratches fixed when they've had close encounters with overgrown hawthorn. Unbelievable!

Some people were "injured" on the A37 last year, because they were too busy reading all the signs the County Council had put up about road safety to notice what was going on around them, and ended up in the overgrown ditches (more excellent news for the local vehicle repair industry). These road safety signs were a subject of much discussion down at our local. For example, some of them gave interesting statistics about the number of people killed and injured on the A37, either general numbers - for the whole road, or specific numbers - for upcoming features such as the bends between Yeovil and Shepton. We in Somerset are a pretty numerate bunch, it must be said, and spend a lot of time looking at and thinking about all the different numbers on the Council's signs.

One series of signs proclaimed "Road Safety Improvements Planned for 2007". They became more and more controversial as the year drew to a close and speculation mounted as to what the Council would do when 2008 arrived. One faction maintained that they would paint an "8" over the "7" and leave the signs up, while a second faction suggested that money would be saved by painting a "9" over the "7". Then a third faction came to the bar, claiming that the Council was planning to pay a private contractor to go out on New Year's Eve and take down ALL the signs. The improvement to Road Safety would be immediate and obvious, as drivers would have a hundred less excuses for not concentrating on the road.

The County Council is also responsible for a number of other services (Education, Social Work, Library Fines etc.) and many of us have also suffered "injury" at the hands of these too. But we take it all with good grace, with rolling eyeballs and expressions like "'tis bureacracy gone mad!" and "gotta do another form for county". Like I say, water off a duck's back!

Why this blog?

We who live in the beautiful County of Somerset are truly blessed. Our rulers have been officially proclaimed as "excellent" by none other than the main man - Audit Commission himself. Elsewhere, paying Council Tax may be a pain in the a*se, here it is a privilege. This is something that is drummed into us every time we receive a communication from the esteemed organisation, whether by email, letter or fax.

Last week, however, a TV programme called West Eye View (HTV 24/7/08 7.30 pm) tried to shatter our comfortable illusions. Frankly the general topic didn't seem that interesting: something about the Council selling off staff to IBM. Big deal! Check it out at http://www.showofhands.co.uk/ (the Bristol Slaver, on Dark Fields), or read your history books. Selling people to the Americans is nothing new around here!

The TV programme had an innocuous title - "Public Money, Private Gain" or something like that (so what's new?). However the startling thing about the programme was not the content but the atmosphere. Spooky. While they did allow our Chief Executive to go on about excellence and even to mutter something about moving "Beyond Excellence", they also filmed an awful lot of squirming and blank expressions. Important people were seen throwing numbers around like a bunch of Zimbabwean Bankers.

The unanswered questions and "things that can't be talked about" led me to do a bit of googling. The results were truly appalling, a genuine 21st Century Cringe Comic Opera. I also discovered Google blogs, and decided to start one of my very own.

What is excellence?

excellence, n: "The state or fact of excelling; the possession chiefly of good qualities in an eminent or unusual degree; surpassing merit, skill, virtue, worth, etc.; dignity, eminence."

excellent, a.: "Of a person or thing: That excels or surpasses in any respect; preëminent, superior, supreme. Of qualities: Existing in a greater, or an exceptionally great, degree."

OED 2nd Edition 1989