Do They mean Us? (2)

Nice to see that there's going to be a "CrackDown" on a certain type of abuse (not drug-induced).

Until you read on and discover that this will consist of merely "investigating the cost" of the abuse. A hint of the official outcome of the investigation is even disclosed by a Government Minister, who says that "it is not acceptable".

In other words, all Down & no Crack!

As usual, here in Somerset we know the outcome of the investigation before it even starts. The answer, of course, is £200,000,000.

And the miserable yokels are still crying into their cider down at the Dog & Duck. Knowing that we will be able to say "we told you so" is no comfort at all.

Somerset's Lottery

Like our legal system, SAP in Somerset is something of a lottery. And it seems you don’t even need to buy a ticket!

A couple of winners were celebrating in the D&D last night, buying drinks all round, after finally being paid.

OK, so they had to wait 4 months, but to compensate them, SAP paid twice. Apparently this made up for all the extra administrative charges and interest they had incurred in the struggle to get paid at all.

Halfway through the evening, another yokel rolled in with an even broader grin on his face. He had also been paid, and, wait for it, hadn’t even sent in an invoice! Drinks all round once again.

Now if I tell you that all this merriment and drunken revelry was taking place at the North end of the bar … then perhaps you can guess what happened next?

Because down at the South end, sullen losers whose payments are four months overdue were still drowning their SAP sorrows, and hearing that someone had won the SAP Lottery without even buying a ticket, their mood turned even uglier than usual.

According to Daffer, the ensuing fracas, and the landlord's panic stricken 999 call to the Police ("no-one in the area, sorry", needless to say), were instrumental in helping Jonesy to finally admit that the game was up.

So he's given a paltry 2 weeks notice, and after this month's payday will leave us a memorable legacy:

Chaos;
Confusionism;
Jonesian Mathematics (aka x+y=200 million);
Discredited Local Democracy; and
The SAP about to hit the fan!

It's hard to believe they're all being so polite about it. Consensus down at the D&D is

Good Riddance!

:-)

We also think it would be nice if he could take some of his noodly appendages with him. Or is that just being greedy?

£200 million .... it's contagious!

Poor old Albert Einstein!

The list of mathematical mysteries awaiting his return from the loonybin is growing and growing.

None of the rest of us is a comparable internationally famous genius, but we can see the makings of yet another mathematical conundrum.

According to press reports Essex County Council is planning to follow us down the IBM / SAP crevasse, and guess how much they expect to save?

£200 million!!!!

What are the chances of that? With three times the population of Somerset (and three times the budget), they are going to save exactly the same amount!

Of course it is always possible that Essex did actually do one of those Business Case things, perhaps even in advance of the decision to go down the route of chaotic innovation (or should that be "innovative chaos"?). It's also possible that they have got a load of sums and evidence and whatever that could explain the £200 million.

It's possible.

American Bull in Somerset

Being a pretty adventurous bunch ourselves, the Dog & Duck team have, I think you will all agree, been pretty slow to criticise the SouthWestOne adventure.

After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).

So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.

Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).

However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.

[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]

If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".

The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:

"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."

Blimey!

That rules out any scope for "rounding differences" (as in £140,000,000 + £17,000,000 = £200,000,000 ... rounding to one significant figure, an extremely significant figure in Somerset, as it happens).

It's a good job Albert Einstein is in an old-fashioned straightjacket and receiving regular doses of ECT - 'cos heaven alone knows what he'd make of this lot!

Einstein Mental State Deteriorating

Me and Daff went to visit poor old Albert in the loonybin yesterday. The old git is still in a catatonic state and repeating over and over again: “Lies! Lies! It vas all LIES!”

Later on, back at the Dog & Duck, we went over the events that led up to Al’s nervous breakdown.

“Well of course it’s all lies,” said Pat, “that’s what our £4million pays for. The truth would speak for itself. It’d not be value for our money if all they did was repeat it, would it like?”

“Hang on a second,” said Daffer Jones, “pass me that calculator.”

Now when an old salt like Daffer asks for a calculator, you know something is up. Last year he tore a strip off some young whippersnapper who dared to ask if he used GPS when he was at sea….

“We’ve missed one!” he said, “an absolute whopper, the biggest one of all!”

And we had, too.

Worse than 140,000,000 + 17,000,000 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference)

Worse than 0.53 x 190,000 x 52 x 3 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference plus an issue around where to put the decimal point)

Much worse….

Public Sector Transformation Confusion

As we’ve already discussed, this week our Chief Executive Alan Jones will be showing off to the “2nd annual Public Sector Transformation Summit 2009”.

Down at the Dog and Duck, “Public Sector Transformation”, like “Beyond Excellence” itself, has become synonymous with Somerset’s very own home-grown Philosophical System: Confusionism.

We would welcome questions about Confusionism from anyone attending Jonesy’s Stream 5 tomorrow.

One recurring stream is Mathematical Confusionism. Albert Einstein, until he had a nervous breakdown trying to understand Jonesian Mathematics, was finally beginning to make some headway on this difficult topic.

Sadly, as of last week, he is no longer with us. This is because he failed to understand how it is that the answer to every question in Somerset could be “£200 million”.

Before his departure, Albert’s last words (if that is the right way to describe the constant stream of gibberish that was coming out of him as the ambulance took him away) indicated that we should not look to Science to explain Public Sector Transformation in Somerset.

Well, bless him; we’ve known for ages that it is more an Art than a Science. Or maybe it’s a Religion – given that Faith seems to be central to understanding it.

Anyway Alan will be revealing all tomorrow, and certain privileged people (Londoners, sadly, no room for us locals up there) will have an opportunity to ask some public questions about things like:

- Organisational Terrorists
- Institutional Chauvinists
- Chief Executives (Mistresses’) Pay (-Offs) (£140,000)
- Jonesian Mathematics (£200million)
- The Axis of Bull (£4million)

and so on. Alan will then be able to explain how these phenomena relate to the way in which he has sought to inflict Confusionism on us here in Somerset.

Finally, remember Carla? She went back to London after the weekend (she works there, as a Public Sector Transformer). I forgot to ask if she is going to the Lancaster Gate Summit, but if she does, you can be sure that she will have a thing or two to say to our Jonesy.

Watch out for the Ladies Alan!

Einstein suffers apoplectic fit

SCC’s £4million per year spin machine seems determined to give our auditor a nervous breakdown.

Apparently the Executive Committee doesn’t know about the hundreds of millions of pounds in savings that Jonesy & Co. have been announcing, and are actually proposing to put the Council Tax UP!

Unlike the rest of the regulars down the Dog n’ Duck (who are still confidently expecting a decrease of £100+), Albert was not actually surprised by this. That’s because he never believed all that stuff, and even refused to sign up to our summary.

The bit he took exception to this time went as follows:

“For a typical Band D household the increase will be just 53p extra per week … For such a small amount of extra money from each household the Council is able to plan over £200 million of investment in key services such as roads, schools and social care over the next three years.”

[There it is again! That famous £200million! SCC’s favourite number! Ed.]

Anyway, according to the SCC website there are 190,000 households in the county. And according to Albert Einstein, 0.53x52x190,000x3 does not equal 200,000,000.

“Zis time it is out by more zan a factor of 10!” He squawked at the bar last night.

“So what?”, said Daffer (who’s got the maths “O” Level, remember), “That just means they’ve put the decimal point in the wrong place again.”

“But zis is not “investment”, it is “running costs”, zey can NOT use such language…” said Albert. “It is misleading, nein! it is vorse, it is FRAUD!”

Now, when an accountant who also happens to be a famous mathematical genius uses the “F” word, people notice. Especially in a popular local pub that hasn’t even been shut down yet.

Which is how Carla Young came to join in the conversation, and ended up talking about “Excellence” into the small hours, long after the men in white coats had turned up to haul poor old Albert off to the local nuthouse.

A very interesting young lady, Carla - believe it or not she just happens to be a Public Sector Transformer from London who has recently moved into our area.

What a coincidence!

Wires Crossed in County Hall?

Or is it, as Postman (not very PC) Pat suggested, "that lot just ain't wired right!"

The Dog & Duck mailbox has received a link to this astonishing document.

It seems that certain people at SCC have put an awful lot of work into working out CUTS TO SERVICES worth about £4 million!

Our initial observations are twofold. First, why do they need to make cuts when they have spent the last six months going on about how they have saved hundreds of millions of pounds? (And most of them thanks to SouthWest One, which, unlike some SomerBloggers, we have scrupulously avoided criticising - so far!)

... Give SouthWest One a chance, we told ourselves. Perhaps it is true that it is going to save us £200million ....

Anyway, our second observation is more of a question. The £4million hit-list targets things like "community", "care", "achievement", "transport" ... even "drainage" and "ditch clearance" (we thought they'd given up on that years ago, despite all the flooding we get!).

So, they are planning to cut things that we need, and care about. If they really want to make cuts in spite of all the savings, and in spite of the fact that they are sitting on A BILLION POUNDS of our money ... Why don't they get rid of the £4million spin department?

Sorry for all the links in today's post, but some serious inconsistencies are beginning to appear. We only hope this does not mean that the "it's all lies" faction have been right all along ....

Excellent Savings!

As promised, here is the Official Dog & Duck Summary of all the savings we’ve noticed the Council announcing since we started taking an interest (less than six months ago). In fact, just today, here they are at it AGAIN!!

By our reckoning, before long they will be paying us to live here!

Unfortunately, like the Council, we are having problems with our auditor.

Audit Report

Our auditor, Albert Einstein, is currently in no position to issue any sort of coherent report on this summary. This is entirely his own fault, for insisting on trying to comply with trivial and irrelevant rules such as: the Laws of Nature, Logic, the Law of Gravy, Prudence (whoever she is), and others that we can’t pronounce. Let alone spell.

Before we pressed the “publish post” button on the blog, he was heard muttering something like “Nein, Nein Dumbkopf! You are double counting, and it does not vork like zat anyvay!”

However, every single one of these numbers has been taken from the Council’s own website, or from reputable sources like the TV. We have actually taken care not to do double counting (e.g. procurement savings started off being only £140,000,000 and then got raised to £150,000,000 so we put in £140,000,000 and £10,000,000, NOT £140,000,000 and £150,000,000, which would have given us a far better figure, but would have been double counting).

As a matter of fact, WE were the ones that suggested that the Council originally raised the procurement figure from £140m to £150m because they realised that even if 150+17 does not come to 200, at least it comes closer than 140+17.

Daffer, who happens to have “O” Level Maths, even suggested helpfully that 150+17 might be 167, and that this (using technical terms such as “one significant figure” and “rounding”) was the same as 200.

At this, Albert just flew off the handle yelling “Illogical, illogical! Nein … vorse than illogical, WRONG!”

Anyway, the point is, there is a deadline that was set 2,000 years ago and cannot be changed. Christmas is nearly upon us and all we know is that the Council has been going on and on about saving hundreds of millions of pounds, without bothering with explanations. This is an important time of year for household budgets. People need to have some idea of what all these big numbers mean for their Council Tax, so they know how much they have left to spend on presents.

These are special circumstances and we have done our best. OK?

Council Tax REBATES! Hurray!

Last night I caught up with Albert Einstein down at the Dog & Duck.

As you may recall he was last seen scratching his head over Jonesy's sums, and in particular the famous (now infamous) £200,000,000 that IBM is going to save Somerset over the next 10 years.

Apparently Jonesy's confirmation via the LGC that the discount rate should be zero (uh?) has thrown Albert's previous calculations into disarray. He is now one mightily pissed off famous mathematical genius.

However, I went out to join the smokers in the rain, and borrowed a fag packet to do some maths the old fashioned way.

It is confusing with all those zeros, but when you take the £200 million, and divide it by the 190,000 Somerset Council Tax Payers, you get ...... £1,052.63. Blimey! Now divide that by another 10 (for the 10 years), and what do you get?

Yippee!!! We're all gonna get a rebate of £105.26 at the end of the year! That's more than Gordon Brown gave us last month!

We'll be having a drink on that tonight.

Excellent Economics!

Now, I may be really stupid or something, but at first I couldn’t quite understand how a project saving £1.7 million per year over 10 years would save £200 million in total. You see, being a simpleton, I thought Jonesy was saying 1.7 x 10 = 200.

Luckily me mate Albert Einstein is an accountant, and he explained it all to us last night, down at the Dog & Duck. He started by droning on about this thing called economics, and inflation and discounting and investment returns and opportunity costs and all that sort of stuff.

Huh? We stare at Al as if he’s dropped in from another planet.

“Look,” says Al, “a regular cash flow of £1.7 million per year, with a compound return of 43.3% over a ten year period, would give you £200 million.”

“Cut it OUT Al!” says I. “Give it to us straight. You know, like Jonesy says, in a way that real people can understand!”

“OK,” says Al. “How much is your house worth?”

“Well,” says I, “last year it was valued at £200,000.”

“OK,” says Al. “Now get this, if Jonesy’s economic forecast is correct, by the end of the SCC/IBM contract your house will be worth £7.3 million!”

And as the Spaghetti Monster is my witness, Your Honour, that is how I came to put the deposit on a Lear Jet.