American Bull in Somerset

Being a pretty adventurous bunch ourselves, the Dog & Duck team have, I think you will all agree, been pretty slow to criticise the SouthWestOne adventure.

After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).

So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.

Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).

However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.

[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]

If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".

The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:

"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."

Blimey!

That rules out any scope for "rounding differences" (as in £140,000,000 + £17,000,000 = £200,000,000 ... rounding to one significant figure, an extremely significant figure in Somerset, as it happens).

It's a good job Albert Einstein is in an old-fashioned straightjacket and receiving regular doses of ECT - 'cos heaven alone knows what he'd make of this lot!

Einstein Mental State Deteriorating

Me and Daff went to visit poor old Albert in the loonybin yesterday. The old git is still in a catatonic state and repeating over and over again: “Lies! Lies! It vas all LIES!”

Later on, back at the Dog & Duck, we went over the events that led up to Al’s nervous breakdown.

“Well of course it’s all lies,” said Pat, “that’s what our £4million pays for. The truth would speak for itself. It’d not be value for our money if all they did was repeat it, would it like?”

“Hang on a second,” said Daffer Jones, “pass me that calculator.”

Now when an old salt like Daffer asks for a calculator, you know something is up. Last year he tore a strip off some young whippersnapper who dared to ask if he used GPS when he was at sea….

“We’ve missed one!” he said, “an absolute whopper, the biggest one of all!”

And we had, too.

Worse than 140,000,000 + 17,000,000 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference)

Worse than 0.53 x 190,000 x 52 x 3 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference plus an issue around where to put the decimal point)

Much worse….

Public Sector Transformation Confusion

As we’ve already discussed, this week our Chief Executive Alan Jones will be showing off to the “2nd annual Public Sector Transformation Summit 2009”.

Down at the Dog and Duck, “Public Sector Transformation”, like “Beyond Excellence” itself, has become synonymous with Somerset’s very own home-grown Philosophical System: Confusionism.

We would welcome questions about Confusionism from anyone attending Jonesy’s Stream 5 tomorrow.

One recurring stream is Mathematical Confusionism. Albert Einstein, until he had a nervous breakdown trying to understand Jonesian Mathematics, was finally beginning to make some headway on this difficult topic.

Sadly, as of last week, he is no longer with us. This is because he failed to understand how it is that the answer to every question in Somerset could be “£200 million”.

Before his departure, Albert’s last words (if that is the right way to describe the constant stream of gibberish that was coming out of him as the ambulance took him away) indicated that we should not look to Science to explain Public Sector Transformation in Somerset.

Well, bless him; we’ve known for ages that it is more an Art than a Science. Or maybe it’s a Religion – given that Faith seems to be central to understanding it.

Anyway Alan will be revealing all tomorrow, and certain privileged people (Londoners, sadly, no room for us locals up there) will have an opportunity to ask some public questions about things like:

- Organisational Terrorists
- Institutional Chauvinists
- Chief Executives (Mistresses’) Pay (-Offs) (£140,000)
- Jonesian Mathematics (£200million)
- The Axis of Bull (£4million)

and so on. Alan will then be able to explain how these phenomena relate to the way in which he has sought to inflict Confusionism on us here in Somerset.

Finally, remember Carla? She went back to London after the weekend (she works there, as a Public Sector Transformer). I forgot to ask if she is going to the Lancaster Gate Summit, but if she does, you can be sure that she will have a thing or two to say to our Jonesy.

Watch out for the Ladies Alan!

Einstein suffers apoplectic fit

SCC’s £4million per year spin machine seems determined to give our auditor a nervous breakdown.

Apparently the Executive Committee doesn’t know about the hundreds of millions of pounds in savings that Jonesy & Co. have been announcing, and are actually proposing to put the Council Tax UP!

Unlike the rest of the regulars down the Dog n’ Duck (who are still confidently expecting a decrease of £100+), Albert was not actually surprised by this. That’s because he never believed all that stuff, and even refused to sign up to our summary.

The bit he took exception to this time went as follows:

“For a typical Band D household the increase will be just 53p extra per week … For such a small amount of extra money from each household the Council is able to plan over £200 million of investment in key services such as roads, schools and social care over the next three years.”

[There it is again! That famous £200million! SCC’s favourite number! Ed.]

Anyway, according to the SCC website there are 190,000 households in the county. And according to Albert Einstein, 0.53x52x190,000x3 does not equal 200,000,000.

“Zis time it is out by more zan a factor of 10!” He squawked at the bar last night.

“So what?”, said Daffer (who’s got the maths “O” Level, remember), “That just means they’ve put the decimal point in the wrong place again.”

“But zis is not “investment”, it is “running costs”, zey can NOT use such language…” said Albert. “It is misleading, nein! it is vorse, it is FRAUD!”

Now, when an accountant who also happens to be a famous mathematical genius uses the “F” word, people notice. Especially in a popular local pub that hasn’t even been shut down yet.

Which is how Carla Young came to join in the conversation, and ended up talking about “Excellence” into the small hours, long after the men in white coats had turned up to haul poor old Albert off to the local nuthouse.

A very interesting young lady, Carla - believe it or not she just happens to be a Public Sector Transformer from London who has recently moved into our area.

What a coincidence!

Somerset Grit Makes Planes Fly

Yes, it's official!

Forget biofuels, aeroplanes leaving Bristol airport are flying on Somerset Salt.

"So that's what they've bloody done with it," growled Daffer Jones, fresh from his encounter with the ditch beside the hedge on the far side of the B road at the end of the Black Run that starts outside the Dog & Duck.

"Ach so ... but how can you measure circumference using ze unit of square kilometres?" said Albert Einstein, our auditor, who is an internationally famous mathematician. Away with the fairies as usual, our Albert.

"Look Albert," I said, with some exasperation, "they spend £4million a year telling us what a good job they're doing...." (Sorry, I did of course mean an "excellent, dedicated, fantastic and amazing" job. And too many people undervalue it, which is why SCC breaking news has to find room for all these adjectives in the same sentence.)

"... and for that kind of money, if they say the circumference of the earth is 40,000 square kilometres then it's good enough for me."

Snow Crisis!

This is the scene outside Somerset's Dog & Duck Inn at 7.30 a.m. this morning, just after the discovery that all schools in the area are being closed due to "adverse weather".

The white stuff you can see is milk. Our intrepid milkman has been and gone. But if you look really carefully you can see some more white stuff on the top bar of the gate. This is not spilt milk - it is the snow that has brought Somerset to a standstill. Again!

The temperature is already an "icy" 3 degrees ABOVE zero, which everywhere else in the world would mean that the little dusting of snow you can see is melting as we watch. The wind is coming in at a mere 15 mph (admittedly it is coming from the North).

Daffer Jones, bless him, is still in bed (he always lies in when he's not at sea). This is just as well, as the Council's pathetic failure to keep the infrastructure open on Tuesday reduced him to tears.

"What would happen if there was a proper emergency?" he asked.

Snow humility in Somerset!

Less snow than anywhere else in the country, but just as much disruption.

Other counties are closing hundreds of schools as well, you can read all about it on their websites. We have to rely on the local press.

13 inches of snow in Surrey. 13mm in Somerset (and melting fast).

The comparisons lead to an obvious conclusion: Pathetic Performance.

How embarassing! I just hope there are no foreigners around to witness it.