Earth to Kershaw ...

Perhaps it was naïve, but we did expect to see some mention of investments in the latest Agenda of the Excellent Audit Committee. Down at the Dog & Duck we reckon that a cock-up of Icelandic proportions deserves at least a teeny-weeny little mention.

Under Reports, however, there is a thing called "Risk Management Update".

"Ach sooo! Zey vill haff hidden it here!" Said Albert Einstein confidently (Al's an Accountant, remember, so he knows about this stuff).

Anyway, we clicked away on the Dog & Duck computer, and lo and behold .... nothing. We found all sorts of Excellence, and discovered that SCC has lots of people called "Risk Management Champions", and plenty of other fancy talk and coloured matrices (hey! we can do colour too - look: ICELAND IRELAND ENGLAND).

But on the subject of investments or bank deposits or the like - a truly deafening silence.

However, let it not be said that Roger & Co. have passed up an opportunity to rub our noses in it. For this is the moment they chose to unveil something called the SCC Risk Management Standard, describing it as "a new addition to the Risk Management Toolkit"....

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, counties like Leicestershire have what they call "a prudent investment policy". And in February of this year, North West Leicestershire District Council took £6.5 million out of Icelandic banks, because they thought it wasn't safe.

Now, what was Roger doing back in February 2008? Oh yes, I remember! He was feeding spaghetti to a pirate that had boarded Spaceship Somerset and was forcing everyone worship his monster.

Somerset’s Mugabe

Thanks to DNA we now know that everyone in the world is related. Three foot pygmies in undiscovered (except by themselves of course) tribes in the Amazon Jungle. Eight foot Africans. 5’10” spotty teenage oiks in Yeovil. You. Me. Jonesy. All the same.

Hitler had the same genes as Moses. Kruger (who would not have believed it of course, seeing as how he insisted until his dying day that the world was flat) was related to Mandela. Sorry Nelson. Fact.

The scientists also say that it only takes 10,000 years for people to evolve from white to black (and vice versa), so this is not as fanciful as it may seem …

… and I sometimes wonder what would happen if Mugabe were in charge of Somerset ...

Inflation would be 43.3%
The Police would get a good deal
Morgan would be reported to the Standards Board for being a pirate
The County Farms would be sold off
All Robert’s cronies would get cracking jobs
Anyone he didn’t like would be threatened then sacked
If the wrong people were elected he would cut off ….

… Yikes! What about Bloggers?

Where chaos resides?

No, not County Hall!

I am referring to another of Jonesy's gifts to the people of Somerset, delivered via HTV (West Eye View on 24th July).

I didn't write down this quote, luckily someone used it on an excellent little video pastiche at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiklM51QRfU so I can, once again, give you the Great Man's EXACT words!

"It's like sailing a, er, sailing ship close to the wind, you know, that's where innovation lives but that's also where chaos resides."

Right Jonesy. Thanks for spelling it out. Nice one : your innovation = our chaos.

Now we're a bunch of ignorant landlubbers down at the Dog & Duck, but luckily in a couple of days Daffer will be back. He's a sailor, and will be able to explain this stuff. Poor old Daffer has been offshore since before Valentine's day, so he hasn't yet heard about the sh*tstorm that his namesake has been whipping up.

However, I can tell you now that Daffer Jones will NOT be amused.

Fowl run-off

Some things, however, make the duck feel like he's been thrown into the slurry pit then hung out to dry in the middle of a six-week heat wave.

Based on their actual day-to-day experience, a lot of people think that Somerset County Council is OK, but a bit of a shambles at times. It would be unfair to give details that are specific, so better not to give any at all, but the local ducks have been known to grumble.

For the sins of grumbling, sighing, and doubting (or even worse, failing to notice!) the arrival of Excellence, this is what Jonesy said about us:

"In the light of this assessment, they now join the ranks of those who believe the earth is flat, that the Holocaust never happened, and those who dress as pirates to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his noodly appendages."

I read the above in February on the BBC website http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/somerset/7245071.stm.
I was most definitely not amused, in fact it quite ruined my Valentine's day.

This is just one example of the insults they expect us to swallow. Maybe we are slow, even a bit backward; but do they think we are really stupid or what?