Nice to see that there's going to be a "CrackDown" on a certain type of abuse (not drug-induced).
Until you read on and discover that this will consist of merely "investigating the cost" of the abuse. A hint of the official outcome of the investigation is even disclosed by a Government Minister, who says that "it is not acceptable".
In other words, all Down & no Crack!
As usual, here in Somerset we know the outcome of the investigation before it even starts. The answer, of course, is £200,000,000.
And the miserable yokels are still crying into their cider down at the Dog & Duck. Knowing that we will be able to say "we told you so" is no comfort at all.
Wednesday 26 August 2009
Thursday 6 August 2009
SomerBlogging on ...
... despite Alan's precipitate departure following the change of little government?
We had kind of expected things to settle down a bit. You know? But then someone showed us this new blog.
It's one of the "Political" ones, and we would not normally want to comment, but the peculiar thing is that the Party has changed (all the previous ones were to do with the ancien régime and we suspected that some or all were fakes ...).
The other peculiar thing is that we have read through it several times and cannot figure out if it is genuine or a hoax!
As you may recall, we are always alert to the possibility of fakes ....
Any enlightenment would be welcome. On this, or indeed, any other matter!
We had kind of expected things to settle down a bit. You know? But then someone showed us this new blog.
It's one of the "Political" ones, and we would not normally want to comment, but the peculiar thing is that the Party has changed (all the previous ones were to do with the ancien régime and we suspected that some or all were fakes ...).
The other peculiar thing is that we have read through it several times and cannot figure out if it is genuine or a hoax!
As you may recall, we are always alert to the possibility of fakes ....
Any enlightenment would be welcome. On this, or indeed, any other matter!
Friday 31 July 2009
Friday the 31st
So an observation from the regulars would seem appropriate, and it goes like this:
Victims of bullying are like spilt milk - not worth crying over. As we have said all along.
All the Forces of Excellence have to do is apply a bit of heat, either with a blowtorch or a P45, and the stuff evaporates leaving nothing but a stain and a bad smell.
Then if they can string things out for long enough, even that disappears!
Victims of bullying are like spilt milk - not worth crying over. As we have said all along.
All the Forces of Excellence have to do is apply a bit of heat, either with a blowtorch or a P45, and the stuff evaporates leaving nothing but a stain and a bad smell.
Then if they can string things out for long enough, even that disappears!
Wednesday 29 July 2009
Who Pays Wins! ...
... is the motto of the"Special Excellence Service", or SES as some would have it.
Down at the D&D we reckon that this is in fact a load of bollox, as WE were the ones who paid for it all, and we most definitely did not win!
Anyway, for anyone who wants to see what the legal system does when someone without representation goes up against someone with unrestricted access to our wallets ... click here.
(WARNING! Link should not be attempted by miners or people suffering from high blood pressure, or indeed anyone who would rather that their illusions remain intact. Ed.)
Down at the D&D we reckon that this is in fact a load of bollox, as WE were the ones who paid for it all, and we most definitely did not win!
Anyway, for anyone who wants to see what the legal system does when someone without representation goes up against someone with unrestricted access to our wallets ... click here.
(WARNING! Link should not be attempted by miners or people suffering from high blood pressure, or indeed anyone who would rather that their illusions remain intact. Ed.)
Friday 17 July 2009
Somerset's Lottery
Like our legal system, SAP in Somerset is something of a lottery. And it seems you don’t even need to buy a ticket!
A couple of winners were celebrating in the D&D last night, buying drinks all round, after finally being paid.
OK, so they had to wait 4 months, but to compensate them, SAP paid twice. Apparently this made up for all the extra administrative charges and interest they had incurred in the struggle to get paid at all.
Halfway through the evening, another yokel rolled in with an even broader grin on his face. He had also been paid, and, wait for it, hadn’t even sent in an invoice! Drinks all round once again.
Now if I tell you that all this merriment and drunken revelry was taking place at the North end of the bar … then perhaps you can guess what happened next?
Because down at the South end, sullen losers whose payments are four months overdue were still drowning their SAP sorrows, and hearing that someone had won the SAP Lottery without even buying a ticket, their mood turned even uglier than usual.
According to Daffer, the ensuing fracas, and the landlord's panic stricken 999 call to the Police ("no-one in the area, sorry", needless to say), were instrumental in helping Jonesy to finally admit that the game was up.
So he's given a paltry 2 weeks notice, and after this month's payday will leave us a memorable legacy:
Chaos;
Confusionism;
Jonesian Mathematics (aka x+y=200 million);
Discredited Local Democracy; and
The SAP about to hit the fan!
It's hard to believe they're all being so polite about it. Consensus down at the D&D is
A couple of winners were celebrating in the D&D last night, buying drinks all round, after finally being paid.
OK, so they had to wait 4 months, but to compensate them, SAP paid twice. Apparently this made up for all the extra administrative charges and interest they had incurred in the struggle to get paid at all.
Halfway through the evening, another yokel rolled in with an even broader grin on his face. He had also been paid, and, wait for it, hadn’t even sent in an invoice! Drinks all round once again.
Now if I tell you that all this merriment and drunken revelry was taking place at the North end of the bar … then perhaps you can guess what happened next?
Because down at the South end, sullen losers whose payments are four months overdue were still drowning their SAP sorrows, and hearing that someone had won the SAP Lottery without even buying a ticket, their mood turned even uglier than usual.
According to Daffer, the ensuing fracas, and the landlord's panic stricken 999 call to the Police ("no-one in the area, sorry", needless to say), were instrumental in helping Jonesy to finally admit that the game was up.
So he's given a paltry 2 weeks notice, and after this month's payday will leave us a memorable legacy:
Chaos;
Confusionism;
Jonesian Mathematics (aka x+y=200 million);
Discredited Local Democracy; and
The SAP about to hit the fan!
It's hard to believe they're all being so polite about it. Consensus down at the D&D is
Good Riddance!
:-)
We also think it would be nice if he could take some of his noodly appendages with him. Or is that just being greedy?
Thursday 16 July 2009
A lesson for us all ...
... as Paul Buchanan is convicted of Organisational Terrorism in Taunton's first ever Show Trial, and confirming the validity of the Dog & Duck Code of Conduct for Somerset County Councillors!
Presumably this puts any of the new members who may have been considering asking questions "on notice".
It also confirms that it really wasn't worth getting out of bed for last month's elections.
Don't want to be smug or anything ... but we were right all along!
Presumably this puts any of the new members who may have been considering asking questions "on notice".
It also confirms that it really wasn't worth getting out of bed for last month's elections.
Don't want to be smug or anything ... but we were right all along!
Wednesday 15 July 2009
Flushed with Exc**ment?
Now is this really a £4 million headline?
Somerset taxpayers (all 190,000 of us) pay £20 each a year for Council spin, and we really do deserve better.
Even Alan (the 21st Century's answer to Judge Jeffreys?) wrote a better article on famous Taunton Toilets.
Perhaps the inspiration came while he was trawling? That might explain where the evidence of willingness came from!
Somerset taxpayers (all 190,000 of us) pay £20 each a year for Council spin, and we really do deserve better.
Even Alan (the 21st Century's answer to Judge Jeffreys?) wrote a better article on famous Taunton Toilets.
Perhaps the inspiration came while he was trawling? That might explain where the evidence of willingness came from!
Friday 10 July 2009
Taunton Terror Trials - End Game?
The "incompetence or malice?" issue should finally be resolved in Taunton next week.
Let us be confident that the judges will do their jobs properly and establish who's who in the world of Somerset Terror, with no more evasion, distraction, distortion or spin.
Incredible as it may sound (especially to the regulars down at the Dog & Duck who have had experience), the story this time is that the Forces of Excellence were in fact the victims of bullying. Yep, that's right, same as perpetrators, but in reverse!
Now this may sound like a sick joke, but let us remember that an acknowledged "culture of bullying" was one of the building blocks of Excellence as Somerset knows it. Also, a lot of people now have experience of living under Excellence. They will know that it is has been standard management practice for anyone who asks unhelpful questions to be branded a "bully".
However, up until now, that has been a purely internal procedure. To the outside world, dissenters have always been presented as "Organizational Terrorists", at least since Venice. This implies some sort of subversive underground movement, rather than a display of jackbooted authority. And it's pretty obvious why - imagine headlines in the Sun:
Mouse Terrorises Cat!; or
Somerset Worm Scares Birds!
Anyone who wants the full background to the sordid little saga could do worse than check out Hansard. (P.S. - nice to see someone standing up for a political opponent for a change!)
As for next week, everyone at the D&D says:
Let us be confident that the judges will do their jobs properly and establish who's who in the world of Somerset Terror, with no more evasion, distraction, distortion or spin.
Incredible as it may sound (especially to the regulars down at the Dog & Duck who have had experience), the story this time is that the Forces of Excellence were in fact the victims of bullying. Yep, that's right, same as perpetrators, but in reverse!
Now this may sound like a sick joke, but let us remember that an acknowledged "culture of bullying" was one of the building blocks of Excellence as Somerset knows it. Also, a lot of people now have experience of living under Excellence. They will know that it is has been standard management practice for anyone who asks unhelpful questions to be branded a "bully".
However, up until now, that has been a purely internal procedure. To the outside world, dissenters have always been presented as "Organizational Terrorists", at least since Venice. This implies some sort of subversive underground movement, rather than a display of jackbooted authority. And it's pretty obvious why - imagine headlines in the Sun:
Mouse Terrorises Cat!; or
Somerset Worm Scares Birds!
Anyone who wants the full background to the sordid little saga could do worse than check out Hansard. (P.S. - nice to see someone standing up for a political opponent for a change!)
As for next week, everyone at the D&D says:
Good Luck Paul!
Tuesday 7 July 2009
£200 million .... it's contagious!
Poor old Albert Einstein!
The list of mathematical mysteries awaiting his return from the loonybin is growing and growing.
None of the rest of us is a comparable internationally famous genius, but we can see the makings of yet another mathematical conundrum.
The list of mathematical mysteries awaiting his return from the loonybin is growing and growing.
None of the rest of us is a comparable internationally famous genius, but we can see the makings of yet another mathematical conundrum.
According to press reports Essex County Council is planning to follow us down the IBM / SAP crevasse, and guess how much they expect to save?
£200 million!!!!
What are the chances of that? With three times the population of Somerset (and three times the budget), they are going to save exactly the same amount!
Of course it is always possible that Essex did actually do one of those Business Case things, perhaps even in advance of the decision to go down the route of chaotic innovation (or should that be "innovative chaos"?). It's also possible that they have got a load of sums and evidence and whatever that could explain the £200 million.
It's possible.
Monday 29 June 2009
Still Sapping Somerset
If Bullying is the hallmark of Excellence in Somerset, then surely SAP must be its pinnacle. An enterprise-wide solution (aka "a Problem in Disguise") costing tens of millions of pounds, being managed by a foreign body, is held up as the ultimate achievement of the Excellence Years (2003-2009).
So it was a bit of a disappointment to be joined by someone claiming to be a "School Bursar" when we were discussing it down at the Dog & Duck last night.
A growing number of regulars work for organisations who are owed money by SAP but have not been paid, ("it's getting silly!" is the sort of facile statement we are having to put up with from ignorant yokels who do contracting or whatever for the Council).
'You think you've got problems,' said the Bursar, 'schools haven't been able to reconcile SIMS to SAP since the beginning of the year!'
'Huh?' chorused the ignorant yokels.
'What's that got to do with how I'm supposed to pay my wages tomorrow?' yelled some lout from the bar.
'What's a SIM?' asked Daffer.
'SIMS' the Bursar corrected him. 'It's the schools' management system, what we do our accounts on.'
Now, if Albert Einstein were still with us, he would have understood immediately. But for the rest of us, this poor Bursar chappie had to spell it out before we would allow him to go back to drowning his sorrows at the bar.
It seems that the County spends most of our money (hundreds of millions a year, in fact) through schools, and the schools all do their own budgeting. Now, due to the SAP débâcle, none of them can check that they've got it right this year, and if they haven't .... well they won't find out about it until it's too late anyway.
None of which will explain how SAP's creditors are supposed to pay their wages this week ... :-(
So it was a bit of a disappointment to be joined by someone claiming to be a "School Bursar" when we were discussing it down at the Dog & Duck last night.
A growing number of regulars work for organisations who are owed money by SAP but have not been paid, ("it's getting silly!" is the sort of facile statement we are having to put up with from ignorant yokels who do contracting or whatever for the Council).
'You think you've got problems,' said the Bursar, 'schools haven't been able to reconcile SIMS to SAP since the beginning of the year!'
'Huh?' chorused the ignorant yokels.
'What's that got to do with how I'm supposed to pay my wages tomorrow?' yelled some lout from the bar.
'What's a SIM?' asked Daffer.
'SIMS' the Bursar corrected him. 'It's the schools' management system, what we do our accounts on.'
Now, if Albert Einstein were still with us, he would have understood immediately. But for the rest of us, this poor Bursar chappie had to spell it out before we would allow him to go back to drowning his sorrows at the bar.
It seems that the County spends most of our money (hundreds of millions a year, in fact) through schools, and the schools all do their own budgeting. Now, due to the SAP débâcle, none of them can check that they've got it right this year, and if they haven't .... well they won't find out about it until it's too late anyway.
None of which will explain how SAP's creditors are supposed to pay their wages this week ... :-(
Wednesday 17 June 2009
What the SAP ...
Monday 15 June 2009
A farewell to Excellence?
It has been pointed out to us that without Bullying we may also have to say au revoir (sorry, that should read “adieu”, get it right Duck!) to our old friend Excellence.
As for whatever it was that would have lain “Beyond Excellence”, well without the Bully Boys to tell us we’ve reached it, that will return to the realms of Scientific Impossibility. (Hey! Maybe that will speed Albert Einstein’s return from the Loony Bin! Ed.)
You see, as we have hinted in the past (but not properly explained – yet), there is an inextricable link between Excellence and Bullying in Somerset. It’s to do with these people from London and Brussels and places like that, who send little men called “inspectors” to Somerset. We’ll get Carla to explain how it works – next time she is in Somerset.
Meanwhile, we just hope that the new members will realise that the ignorant yokels won’t even notice if they shed the plus, or even a star or two. In fact, if it means more resources for libraries, PMCs, roads, achievement, care, etc. …. then we may actually welcome it!
As for whatever it was that would have lain “Beyond Excellence”, well without the Bully Boys to tell us we’ve reached it, that will return to the realms of Scientific Impossibility. (Hey! Maybe that will speed Albert Einstein’s return from the Loony Bin! Ed.)
You see, as we have hinted in the past (but not properly explained – yet), there is an inextricable link between Excellence and Bullying in Somerset. It’s to do with these people from London and Brussels and places like that, who send little men called “inspectors” to Somerset. We’ll get Carla to explain how it works – next time she is in Somerset.
Meanwhile, we just hope that the new members will realise that the ignorant yokels won’t even notice if they shed the plus, or even a star or two. In fact, if it means more resources for libraries, PMCs, roads, achievement, care, etc. …. then we may actually welcome it!
Monday 8 June 2009
A farewell to Bullying?
When new Leader Ken Maddock interviews Jonesy later on today, we hope he will make one thing, above all others, absolutely clear.
There must be no more bullying at SCC. No bullying of staff, and certainly no bullying of Councillors.
You see, the recently consulted electorate has a right to expect its representatives to ask questions of senior managers - however “unhelpful” such questions are considered to be.
We also have a right to expect that our representatives can ask questions without fear of incurring a trawl of the thousands of SCC employees to see whether they might have ever said, done or thought anything that anyone could possibly consider to be inappropriate, unhelpful, rude, exasperated, or downright despairing.
Not many people on God's Earth could survive such a trawl unscathed, and unless Ken gets this straight right from the start, then we really did waste our time at the booths on Thursday.
Thanks Ken!
There must be no more bullying at SCC. No bullying of staff, and certainly no bullying of Councillors.
You see, the recently consulted electorate has a right to expect its representatives to ask questions of senior managers - however “unhelpful” such questions are considered to be.
We also have a right to expect that our representatives can ask questions without fear of incurring a trawl of the thousands of SCC employees to see whether they might have ever said, done or thought anything that anyone could possibly consider to be inappropriate, unhelpful, rude, exasperated, or downright despairing.
Not many people on God's Earth could survive such a trawl unscathed, and unless Ken gets this straight right from the start, then we really did waste our time at the booths on Thursday.
Thanks Ken!
Friday 5 June 2009
Cultural Bullying?
Now that the elections are all over, the landlord is allowing us to post again. Hurray!
So … regardless of who wins the elections (party-wise that is), we feel that the issue of Bullying ought to be addressed by the new members. You see, down at the Dog & Duck we agree with Sir Chris Clarke that this sort of thing is a bit unhealthy, and really shouldn’t be allowed.
Some of the latest raw material can be found in this article, which needs reading ...
Expect more on bullying from the Dog & Duck in coming weeks, drawing on the archives and personal experiences of the regular and casual clientèle.
So … regardless of who wins the elections (party-wise that is), we feel that the issue of Bullying ought to be addressed by the new members. You see, down at the Dog & Duck we agree with Sir Chris Clarke that this sort of thing is a bit unhealthy, and really shouldn’t be allowed.
Some of the latest raw material can be found in this article, which needs reading ...
Expect more on bullying from the Dog & Duck in coming weeks, drawing on the archives and personal experiences of the regular and casual clientèle.
Saturday 23 May 2009
Election Special
Now, as you know we are not allowed to do "Politics" (as in parties and what-not), but we are allowed to invite our fellow yokels to print out the above poster and to ask their candidates to sign up to the Dog & Duck Principles.
These are fairly basic really, and should be accessible to ANY candidate worth voting for, whatever their party (even members of the "bring your own bottle" party and other tight gits).
The Dog & Duck principles are:-
1. No Spin;
2. No Bull;
3. No Sh1t;
4. No Lies (or any variation thereof);
5. No Bullying (not even of Councillors);
6. If it ain't broke, don't screw it up (however fashionable it may be to do so);
7. If it is broke, don't pretent it ain't broke;
etc.
In respect of the seventh principle, we hope that the new members will realise that we may be simple, but we are not stupid, and can actually be quite forgiving really!
Wednesday 20 May 2009
SAP it?
We’re having trouble understanding why everyone is getting their knickers in a twist about the SAP.
It’s only a computer system, after all, and the Council’s computer systems seem to be up and down like a tart’s … er, well … a lot anyway. Every time you ‘phone one of those infamous 0845 numbers about anything these days, they always seem to say ‘sorry love, the computers are down’, before explaining that in any case they can’t do anything for anyone about anything, because even though they’ve recorded everything about everyone, they haven’t yet been told anything about anything.
OK, so maybe SAP doesn’t have a great track record elsewhere, but nowhere else is “the best on the planet”, is it?
Also, no-one else can boast the resourcing that “the best on the planet” is able to provide. Take the Council Tax. It went up by 2.7%, against inflation of 0.5%. Even in Albert Einstein’s (hopefully temporary) absence, we can still work out that this means an extra £4,294,114 to spend on SAP (190,000 taxpayers, average tax of £1,027.30, 2.2% margin over inflation).
And if you add the £4,000,000 they’ve saved by cuts to libraries, roads, achievement, care, the PMC, etc., then that is WELL OVER £8,000,000 to spend on flying in armies of Bangalori analysts and programmers to work furiously in Taunton basements.
All this, of course, is in addition to the efforts of the “SuperUsers”, who swoop up and down the corridors of County Hall, capes swirling, fingers gliding over keyboards and elsewhere, soothing digital distress.
And as if that were not enough, there are all those key managers wandering around monitoring progress, logging disasters and having meetings in a place they call the War Room, about keys and other essential “issues around” security and data and stuff like that. Meetings have a proven track record of coming up with evidence of Excellence in the face of reality, and we are confident that the keys are being well managed.
Remember also that these guys are used to managing on the brink of chaos – according to Jonesy’s presentations around the world, they’ve been doing it for years.
So there may be a bit more confusion around than usual, but luckily we are dealing with committed partners here, so where’s the problem?
It’s only a computer system, after all, and the Council’s computer systems seem to be up and down like a tart’s … er, well … a lot anyway. Every time you ‘phone one of those infamous 0845 numbers about anything these days, they always seem to say ‘sorry love, the computers are down’, before explaining that in any case they can’t do anything for anyone about anything, because even though they’ve recorded everything about everyone, they haven’t yet been told anything about anything.
OK, so maybe SAP doesn’t have a great track record elsewhere, but nowhere else is “the best on the planet”, is it?
Also, no-one else can boast the resourcing that “the best on the planet” is able to provide. Take the Council Tax. It went up by 2.7%, against inflation of 0.5%. Even in Albert Einstein’s (hopefully temporary) absence, we can still work out that this means an extra £4,294,114 to spend on SAP (190,000 taxpayers, average tax of £1,027.30, 2.2% margin over inflation).
And if you add the £4,000,000 they’ve saved by cuts to libraries, roads, achievement, care, the PMC, etc., then that is WELL OVER £8,000,000 to spend on flying in armies of Bangalori analysts and programmers to work furiously in Taunton basements.
All this, of course, is in addition to the efforts of the “SuperUsers”, who swoop up and down the corridors of County Hall, capes swirling, fingers gliding over keyboards and elsewhere, soothing digital distress.
And as if that were not enough, there are all those key managers wandering around monitoring progress, logging disasters and having meetings in a place they call the War Room, about keys and other essential “issues around” security and data and stuff like that. Meetings have a proven track record of coming up with evidence of Excellence in the face of reality, and we are confident that the keys are being well managed.
Remember also that these guys are used to managing on the brink of chaos – according to Jonesy’s presentations around the world, they’ve been doing it for years.
So there may be a bit more confusion around than usual, but luckily we are dealing with committed partners here, so where’s the problem?
Monday 11 May 2009
Best in the Country?
Not quite "Bratislava", but last week an independent outside observer said that "... Somerset is the best performing county in the country ..." thanks to Jonesy.
Now a year ago, the same chap was demanding a public apology from the Audit Commission for labelling his own Council "the worst in the country". (Liverpool Daily Post, Feb 9 2008).
Anyone else could be forgiven for becoming rather confused at this stage. But even without Albert Einstein to guide us, the regulars have a genius for seeing through fog and confusion to identify the intelligent solution.
In this case it is rather obvious: Jonesy simply goes back to Liverpool (taking Simon with him), and bingo ...
Within weeks the Audit Commission would be forced into a regrading and inventing a new accolade. Something like "Worst on the Planet" should do it!
Now a year ago, the same chap was demanding a public apology from the Audit Commission for labelling his own Council "the worst in the country". (Liverpool Daily Post, Feb 9 2008).
Anyone else could be forgiven for becoming rather confused at this stage. But even without Albert Einstein to guide us, the regulars have a genius for seeing through fog and confusion to identify the intelligent solution.
In this case it is rather obvious: Jonesy simply goes back to Liverpool (taking Simon with him), and bingo ...
Within weeks the Audit Commission would be forced into a regrading and inventing a new accolade. Something like "Worst on the Planet" should do it!
Saturday 9 May 2009
Allez Jim! Go Doug!
In the week that Somerset achieved its latest accolade: a well-deserved mention in the “Rotten Boroughs” section of Private Eye (“vindictive campaign backfires”); and Dog & Duck regulars achieved previously unimagined depths of despair; a bit of good news came in from – of all places – You Tube!
The latest “SCC – politico-administrative disaster area” video was, potentially, yet another wrench to the already pummelled gut of Joe Public. We saw it just before closing time on Friday evening. It had been up less than twelve hours, but had already been viewed more than 100 times!
At first even the battle-hardened regulars were shocked at just how rude and disrespectful Simon (£4 million) Clifford was to Mr. Buchanan.
‘Well, b*gger it Duck,’ said Pat, ‘just exactly who is supposed to be smearing who?’
‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Daff, ‘wind back a minute … that looked like our Jim!’
‘You’re dead right, Daff!’ said I, ‘and the other one’s Doug!’
Well, how about that for a turn up? At least one, maybe two representatives from Dog & Duck country apparently showing public support for Paul van Buitenen! (sorry, meant to say “Buchanan” – Freudian slip).
So it’s not just Sir Chris Clarke making a stand then. And the landlord was totally made up (Jim’s a mate of his) - so much so that he allowed us to write this post, which almost strays into the forbidden realms of “Politics”.
See the complete video here.
Maybe they’re not all a bunch of lily-livered lemmings! Maybe we will bother to vote after all!
And anyway - we're a County, not a "Borough".
The latest “SCC – politico-administrative disaster area” video was, potentially, yet another wrench to the already pummelled gut of Joe Public. We saw it just before closing time on Friday evening. It had been up less than twelve hours, but had already been viewed more than 100 times!
At first even the battle-hardened regulars were shocked at just how rude and disrespectful Simon (£4 million) Clifford was to Mr. Buchanan.
‘Well, b*gger it Duck,’ said Pat, ‘just exactly who is supposed to be smearing who?’
‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Daff, ‘wind back a minute … that looked like our Jim!’
‘You’re dead right, Daff!’ said I, ‘and the other one’s Doug!’
Well, how about that for a turn up? At least one, maybe two representatives from Dog & Duck country apparently showing public support for Paul van Buitenen! (sorry, meant to say “Buchanan” – Freudian slip).
So it’s not just Sir Chris Clarke making a stand then. And the landlord was totally made up (Jim’s a mate of his) - so much so that he allowed us to write this post, which almost strays into the forbidden realms of “Politics”.
See the complete video here.
Maybe they’re not all a bunch of lily-livered lemmings! Maybe we will bother to vote after all!
And anyway - we're a County, not a "Borough".
Friday 8 May 2009
And they expect us to bother to vote?
Hard to believe, but some of the regulars were approached by electioneering types yesterday.
Apparently there is this thing called a "Council Election" coming up, and a bunch of them were out there with their clipboards and surveillance footage. They were trying to persuade the ignorant yokels to get out of bed on some day next month to go down and vote for a new Councillor.
Meanwhile - and believe this or not, as you wish ... one of the regulars is actually a "leading light" of a high-powered local organisation. She was able to confirm that there is in fact an election coming up soon, as it was mentioned at a meeting of this particular body. There was an issue, you see, over something the Council was supposed to be doing (no! not filling in potholes on the roads - we've given up on that one!).
It seems that one board member suggested that now would be a good time to raise the issue with the relevant Councillor, given that there was this election coming up. The suggestion was greeted with derisive hooting and snorting, and a scornful 'you don't seriously think the Councillors run that place do you?'
As the Dog & Duck is most definitely a secret society (Landlord's rule 1), our colleague was obliged to say nothing throughout this exchange (which became quite heated by all accounts). However, she did tell us all about it last night, in a discussion about the depths to which the expectations of Somerset residents have plunged over the past few years.
The discussion was prompted by this article about how the Buchanan saga has been allowed to drag on YET AGAIN, and how the ruling Junta has managed to drag Sir Chris Clarke into the fray. Now, he's one we HAVE heard of. He was leader of the Council in the days when the politicians were in charge. They even had a word for it. Let me see ... oh yes! "Democracy" they called it.
Down at the Dog & Duck we have another term for it. We call it "the good old days".
Apparently there is this thing called a "Council Election" coming up, and a bunch of them were out there with their clipboards and surveillance footage. They were trying to persuade the ignorant yokels to get out of bed on some day next month to go down and vote for a new Councillor.
Meanwhile - and believe this or not, as you wish ... one of the regulars is actually a "leading light" of a high-powered local organisation. She was able to confirm that there is in fact an election coming up soon, as it was mentioned at a meeting of this particular body. There was an issue, you see, over something the Council was supposed to be doing (no! not filling in potholes on the roads - we've given up on that one!).
It seems that one board member suggested that now would be a good time to raise the issue with the relevant Councillor, given that there was this election coming up. The suggestion was greeted with derisive hooting and snorting, and a scornful 'you don't seriously think the Councillors run that place do you?'
As the Dog & Duck is most definitely a secret society (Landlord's rule 1), our colleague was obliged to say nothing throughout this exchange (which became quite heated by all accounts). However, she did tell us all about it last night, in a discussion about the depths to which the expectations of Somerset residents have plunged over the past few years.
The discussion was prompted by this article about how the Buchanan saga has been allowed to drag on YET AGAIN, and how the ruling Junta has managed to drag Sir Chris Clarke into the fray. Now, he's one we HAVE heard of. He was leader of the Council in the days when the politicians were in charge. They even had a word for it. Let me see ... oh yes! "Democracy" they called it.
Down at the Dog & Duck we have another term for it. We call it "the good old days".
Monday 27 April 2009
Best on the Planet?
Many thanks to the CHUM agent who sent us a link to this story about some place called “Bratislava” in a country called “Slovakia”.
Hearing the word “Bratislava” (trans. “Best on the Planet” Ed.), the ignorant yokels thought that we were talking about a primary school built on the side of a Volcano! How about that for proving their Council is right, and that they are only fit for local jobs? At best.
Luckily, the Dog & Duck core team is rather more cosmopolitan, and was able to look up “Slovakia” on Google, discovering that it is in fact a place right in the middle of Europe (formerly linked to another place once referred to as “a far away place”).
‘Einstein territory …’ Pat observed, prompting a moment’s silence to respect the memory of the sanity of our friend and former Excellence Analyst, Albert.
‘That’s not a proper country,’ announced Daffer, ‘it hasn’t even got a coastline!’
Anyway, whoever these strange foreigners are, it seems that someone claiming to be our Jonesy was helping them to deal with something called “the Global Fiscal Crisis” last week.
We eventually concluded that it had to be an imposter, since Jonesy has been far too busy at the SAP helpdesk to go swanning off up the Danube (with or without a paddle).
Also, the slideshow purporting to be his was far too sober (no colour for example), and devoid of the Excellence Delusion.
But there is an intriguing reference to “Managing on the edge of chaos” …. that certainly rang a bell! (Yes! He's back! But for how long this time?)
Hearing the word “Bratislava” (trans. “Best on the Planet” Ed.), the ignorant yokels thought that we were talking about a primary school built on the side of a Volcano! How about that for proving their Council is right, and that they are only fit for local jobs? At best.
Luckily, the Dog & Duck core team is rather more cosmopolitan, and was able to look up “Slovakia” on Google, discovering that it is in fact a place right in the middle of Europe (formerly linked to another place once referred to as “a far away place”).
‘Einstein territory …’ Pat observed, prompting a moment’s silence to respect the memory of the sanity of our friend and former Excellence Analyst, Albert.
‘That’s not a proper country,’ announced Daffer, ‘it hasn’t even got a coastline!’
Anyway, whoever these strange foreigners are, it seems that someone claiming to be our Jonesy was helping them to deal with something called “the Global Fiscal Crisis” last week.
We eventually concluded that it had to be an imposter, since Jonesy has been far too busy at the SAP helpdesk to go swanning off up the Danube (with or without a paddle).
Also, the slideshow purporting to be his was far too sober (no colour for example), and devoid of the Excellence Delusion.
But there is an intriguing reference to “Managing on the edge of chaos” …. that certainly rang a bell! (Yes! He's back! But for how long this time?)
Thursday 23 April 2009
GUTTED!
We have just come across this - Mr. Liddell Grainger's latest speech about Wonderland.
Everyone is agreed. This is NOT FUNNY.
Yet another serious sense of humour failure is blighting the Dog & Duck, thanks to Jonesy's shower.
Daffer is on the warpath with a filleting knife. Normally it's used for fish when he's at sea, but he would like to make it clear that if half of what ILG says is true, then it will work perfectly well "for that little squirt that I'm ashamed to share a name with ..."
Everyone is agreed. This is NOT FUNNY.
Yet another serious sense of humour failure is blighting the Dog & Duck, thanks to Jonesy's shower.
Daffer is on the warpath with a filleting knife. Normally it's used for fish when he's at sea, but he would like to make it clear that if half of what ILG says is true, then it will work perfectly well "for that little squirt that I'm ashamed to share a name with ..."
Saturday 18 April 2009
Off yer Bike!
There seems to be a desperate scramble to find genuine (as opposed to "Excellent") savings in Taunton. Withdrawing all national newspapers from Somerset libraries will save the equivalent of 0.25% of the cost of running the Council's spin machine, but who are the victims this time?
The geriatric lobby is already up in arms (hardly surprising to those of us who recall rows of pensioners busy reading the things on a daily basis).
The tight gits will have to buy their own now!
But what about jobseekers?
A spokesman for SCC said that the council will continue to provide local newspapers (big deal - most of them are free anyway! Ed.) "to give everybody access to job adverts".
However, a spokesman for the Dog & Duck said that it is not appropriate for the County Council to assume that Somerset people are only good enough for local jobs, and that a lot of young people, in particular, are prepared to travel outside the area to find work.
'Tis strange how often bikes are in the frame these days ....
The geriatric lobby is already up in arms (hardly surprising to those of us who recall rows of pensioners busy reading the things on a daily basis).
The tight gits will have to buy their own now!
But what about jobseekers?
A spokesman for SCC said that the council will continue to provide local newspapers (big deal - most of them are free anyway! Ed.) "to give everybody access to job adverts".
However, a spokesman for the Dog & Duck said that it is not appropriate for the County Council to assume that Somerset people are only good enough for local jobs, and that a lot of young people, in particular, are prepared to travel outside the area to find work.
'Tis strange how often bikes are in the frame these days ....
Wednesday 15 April 2009
Somerset Bull in America
The SAP is rising.
We know this to be the case (despite the efforts of certain other SomerBloggers) as one of the regulars cut down a birch tree this week, and the stuff was glugging out of the stump like one of Jonesy's [CENSORED].
However, even if the forest bureaucrats' idiotic 5 tonnes per quarter rule didn't mean that people are forced to cut down trees at the wrong time of the year, we would still be quietly confident that the SAP was rising all around us.
And nowhere more so than in Taunton. Even if it is costing hundreds of PMCs.
We know this from an American visitor to the Dog & Duck, who was asking about Organisational Terrorists and Institutional Chauvinists and the Spirit of Partnership being weaker than the Spirit of Independence.
We were gobsmacked, I can tell you! But it seems that Bull is a two-way street, and that Jonesy delivered Somerset's revenge to a bewildered audience in Washington DC only last month!
Anyway, apart from repeating all our old favourites about his war on Terror and Chauvinistic neighbours and uncooperative Districts, Jonesy also told the Yanks that the SAP would definitely rise on time this year.
Sort of like King Canute in reverse.
Unbelievably, he also provided us with YET ANOTHER figure for savings from the SouthWest One adventure!!! This time it is £191,000,000 (still over £1,000 per taxpayer, but still not adding up to £17,000,000 + 140,000,000).
There was also the usual world class torrent of transformation and reframing, and even the question "what's beyond excellence?" Apparantly, at this point some guy yelled out from the back of the Hall, "It's the Dog & Duck blog, Stupid, everyone knows that!"
See the complete Washington DC show here.
[NB if the Forces of Excellence get to it before you and have the thing removed from public view (like they did with 'American Bull in Somerset'), then email the Dog and Duck for a copy. Free of Charge as ever!]
We know this to be the case (despite the efforts of certain other SomerBloggers) as one of the regulars cut down a birch tree this week, and the stuff was glugging out of the stump like one of Jonesy's [CENSORED].
However, even if the forest bureaucrats' idiotic 5 tonnes per quarter rule didn't mean that people are forced to cut down trees at the wrong time of the year, we would still be quietly confident that the SAP was rising all around us.
And nowhere more so than in Taunton. Even if it is costing hundreds of PMCs.
We know this from an American visitor to the Dog & Duck, who was asking about Organisational Terrorists and Institutional Chauvinists and the Spirit of Partnership being weaker than the Spirit of Independence.
We were gobsmacked, I can tell you! But it seems that Bull is a two-way street, and that Jonesy delivered Somerset's revenge to a bewildered audience in Washington DC only last month!
Anyway, apart from repeating all our old favourites about his war on Terror and Chauvinistic neighbours and uncooperative Districts, Jonesy also told the Yanks that the SAP would definitely rise on time this year.
Sort of like King Canute in reverse.
Unbelievably, he also provided us with YET ANOTHER figure for savings from the SouthWest One adventure!!! This time it is £191,000,000 (still over £1,000 per taxpayer, but still not adding up to £17,000,000 + 140,000,000).
There was also the usual world class torrent of transformation and reframing, and even the question "what's beyond excellence?" Apparantly, at this point some guy yelled out from the back of the Hall, "It's the Dog & Duck blog, Stupid, everyone knows that!"
See the complete Washington DC show here.
[NB if the Forces of Excellence get to it before you and have the thing removed from public view (like they did with 'American Bull in Somerset'), then email the Dog and Duck for a copy. Free of Charge as ever!]
Tuesday 7 April 2009
The Peat Moors Centre (£25,000)
You have to understand the Dog & Duck to realise why it has taken a while to get around to this one.
You see, we are just a bunch of ordinary Somerset folk, all ages, sizes and trades: teachers, grandparents, parents, former schoolkids etc.
Which is why hearing that the County Council was going to close the Peat Moors Centre (PMC) in order to save £25,000 (6th item on the list in the linked document) came like a kick in the stomach / bollocks / kidneys / all of the above.
Even now – months later, talk of the PMC causes choking throats and swollen eyes.
Many of the regulars have kids who used to love going to the place on school trips. Some of them are young enough to have actually done it themselves – they still talk about getting airsick as the bus bounced along the road from the A39 to the PMC (a definite candidate for the worst maintained public road in the South West).
Even outsiders like Carla Young were appalled, saying “but you’re lucky to have the moors, you should be celebrating them, not closing the place down!”
Is there ANY good news at all in this sorry, sorry tale? Well, the only thing we can think of is that it provides an alternative currency, or yardstick against which to judge the sordid mess they’ve got us into.
A few examples ... If 1 PMC = £25,000, then that makes:
The cost of Jonesy’s mistress? 6 PMCs
The cost of Jonesy’s post? 7 PMCs
The cost of marketing Excellence? 160 PMCs
The cost of ICElandish Excellence? 1,000 PMCs
It’s enough to make grown men vomit.
You see, we are just a bunch of ordinary Somerset folk, all ages, sizes and trades: teachers, grandparents, parents, former schoolkids etc.
Which is why hearing that the County Council was going to close the Peat Moors Centre (PMC) in order to save £25,000 (6th item on the list in the linked document) came like a kick in the stomach / bollocks / kidneys / all of the above.
Even now – months later, talk of the PMC causes choking throats and swollen eyes.
Many of the regulars have kids who used to love going to the place on school trips. Some of them are young enough to have actually done it themselves – they still talk about getting airsick as the bus bounced along the road from the A39 to the PMC (a definite candidate for the worst maintained public road in the South West).
Even outsiders like Carla Young were appalled, saying “but you’re lucky to have the moors, you should be celebrating them, not closing the place down!”
Is there ANY good news at all in this sorry, sorry tale? Well, the only thing we can think of is that it provides an alternative currency, or yardstick against which to judge the sordid mess they’ve got us into.
A few examples ... If 1 PMC = £25,000, then that makes:
The cost of Jonesy’s mistress? 6 PMCs
The cost of Jonesy’s post? 7 PMCs
The cost of marketing Excellence? 160 PMCs
The cost of ICElandish Excellence? 1,000 PMCs
It’s enough to make grown men vomit.
Saturday 4 April 2009
So it WAS all lies :-(
Doom & Gloom at the Dog & Duck.
In fact it's been quiet ever since the Council Tax bills arrived. Far from the cuts we were confidently expecting, they have actually put the tax UP for the fiscal year just starting.
This, despite the fact that they spent the second half of last year swanking about how they had been making savings of £2,889 per taxpayer (and that was before the Americans started making out that the savings from their little adventure were going to be pretty much double what Jonesy originally claimed). And despite the admission last October that they were sitting on a cash mountain of more than £5,000 per taxpayer.
Unable, perhaps, to break the habit of 5 years (or however long it is since Jonesy arrived), they even had the cheek to CONGRATULATE themselves for putting the Council Tax up, of the grounds that it was only by a few percentage points above inflation!
I suppose they couldn't help themselves - it's all that NLP (stuff to do with programming the mind - brought in to create Excellence).
Of course, we wouldn't mind if they were proposing to spend our money on matters of substance. Services for example. But those are being actually CUT.
All in all, it's more than our house style (cheap-and-cheerful, happy-go-lucky) can cope with for the time being.
So while we are trying to adapt to the changed circumstances, why not have a look at this delightfully silly little video about the Duck & Dog?
Thursday 5 March 2009
Somerset to Launch Space Mission!
The trouble with eye-catching headlines is that there's always someone who will read the underlying article.
Take this one, that we have already commented on. Rather appropriate to re-visit the topic on the day that most of South Somerset ground to a halt due to uncleared snow - YET AGAIN!
Remember how Daffer Jones asked for a calculator a few days back? He was looking at this press release, and started going on about how he'd found the most idiotic claim ever to come out of SCC's £4million per year spin machine ... "an absolute whopper!"
"Look," said Daff, "go on the SCC website, and find statistics."
"OK," I said.
"Right, and so what is the surface area of Somerset?"
"Well, it says here 3,452 square kilometres, but that's the 2001 figure, it's probably grown since Jonesy arrived."
"Sod that," growled Daffer, "now look at what they said about the 'excellent', 'dedicated', 'fantastic' and 'amazing' job they did on the snow."
“We’ve treated in excess of 40,000 sq km with salt in the last week." I read.
"Right," said Daffer, handing me the calculator, "and what's 40,000 divided by 3,452?"
"er, 11 point five eight seven four eight five five one ..."
"all right, all right," Daffer interrupted, "so to any normal person that means they claimed to have coated the whole county in salt twelve times that week, OK?"
"Yeah ... so?"
"That's the ENTIRE SURFACE AREA of the county, TWELVE TIMES OVER, you idiots, not just the A & B roads, but ALL the roads, plus all the fields, the moors, the forests, EVERYTHING. TWELVE TIMES OVER!"
"Bloody Hell, Daff, you're right, that includes all the countryside and everything ..." I said, finally realising what he was on about.
"And all the gardens and driveways too ..." said Pat helpfully.
"Not to mention all the hills and beaches," said someone else.
"And even the Salt Marshes!" added the landlord, shaking his head in wonderment. He normally keeps out of these things but was now finally beginning to comprehend the enormity of the, er, lie(?).
"That's right," said Daff, "and twelve times over, and in just one week."
Who needs Albert Einstein when you've got a sailor with "O" Level maths at the bar?
Take this one, that we have already commented on. Rather appropriate to re-visit the topic on the day that most of South Somerset ground to a halt due to uncleared snow - YET AGAIN!
Remember how Daffer Jones asked for a calculator a few days back? He was looking at this press release, and started going on about how he'd found the most idiotic claim ever to come out of SCC's £4million per year spin machine ... "an absolute whopper!"
"Look," said Daff, "go on the SCC website, and find statistics."
"OK," I said.
"Right, and so what is the surface area of Somerset?"
"Well, it says here 3,452 square kilometres, but that's the 2001 figure, it's probably grown since Jonesy arrived."
"Sod that," growled Daffer, "now look at what they said about the 'excellent', 'dedicated', 'fantastic' and 'amazing' job they did on the snow."
“We’ve treated in excess of 40,000 sq km with salt in the last week." I read.
"Right," said Daffer, handing me the calculator, "and what's 40,000 divided by 3,452?"
"er, 11 point five eight seven four eight five five one ..."
"all right, all right," Daffer interrupted, "so to any normal person that means they claimed to have coated the whole county in salt twelve times that week, OK?"
"Yeah ... so?"
"That's the ENTIRE SURFACE AREA of the county, TWELVE TIMES OVER, you idiots, not just the A & B roads, but ALL the roads, plus all the fields, the moors, the forests, EVERYTHING. TWELVE TIMES OVER!"
"Bloody Hell, Daff, you're right, that includes all the countryside and everything ..." I said, finally realising what he was on about.
"And all the gardens and driveways too ..." said Pat helpfully.
"Not to mention all the hills and beaches," said someone else.
"And even the Salt Marshes!" added the landlord, shaking his head in wonderment. He normally keeps out of these things but was now finally beginning to comprehend the enormity of the, er, lie(?).
"That's right," said Daff, "and twelve times over, and in just one week."
Who needs Albert Einstein when you've got a sailor with "O" Level maths at the bar?
Tuesday 24 February 2009
American Bull in Somerset
Being a pretty adventurous bunch ourselves, the Dog & Duck team have, I think you will all agree, been pretty slow to criticise the SouthWestOne adventure.
After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).
So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.
Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).
However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.
[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]
If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".
The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:
"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."
Blimey!
After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).
So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.
Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).
However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.
[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]
If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".
The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:
"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."
Blimey!
That rules out any scope for "rounding differences" (as in £140,000,000 + £17,000,000 = £200,000,000 ... rounding to one significant figure, an extremely significant figure in Somerset, as it happens).
It's a good job Albert Einstein is in an old-fashioned straightjacket and receiving regular doses of ECT - 'cos heaven alone knows what he'd make of this lot!
Monday 23 February 2009
Einstein Mental State Deteriorating
Me and Daff went to visit poor old Albert in the loonybin yesterday. The old git is still in a catatonic state and repeating over and over again: “Lies! Lies! It vas all LIES!”
Later on, back at the Dog & Duck, we went over the events that led up to Al’s nervous breakdown.
“Well of course it’s all lies,” said Pat, “that’s what our £4million pays for. The truth would speak for itself. It’d not be value for our money if all they did was repeat it, would it like?”
“Hang on a second,” said Daffer Jones, “pass me that calculator.”
Now when an old salt like Daffer asks for a calculator, you know something is up. Last year he tore a strip off some young whippersnapper who dared to ask if he used GPS when he was at sea….
“We’ve missed one!” he said, “an absolute whopper, the biggest one of all!”
And we had, too.
Worse than 140,000,000 + 17,000,000 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference)
Worse than 0.53 x 190,000 x 52 x 3 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference plus an issue around where to put the decimal point)
Much worse….
Later on, back at the Dog & Duck, we went over the events that led up to Al’s nervous breakdown.
“Well of course it’s all lies,” said Pat, “that’s what our £4million pays for. The truth would speak for itself. It’d not be value for our money if all they did was repeat it, would it like?”
“Hang on a second,” said Daffer Jones, “pass me that calculator.”
Now when an old salt like Daffer asks for a calculator, you know something is up. Last year he tore a strip off some young whippersnapper who dared to ask if he used GPS when he was at sea….
“We’ve missed one!” he said, “an absolute whopper, the biggest one of all!”
And we had, too.
Worse than 140,000,000 + 17,000,000 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference)
Worse than 0.53 x 190,000 x 52 x 3 = 200,000,000 (rounding difference plus an issue around where to put the decimal point)
Much worse….
Monday 16 February 2009
Public Sector Transformation Confusion
As we’ve already discussed, this week our Chief Executive Alan Jones will be showing off to the “2nd annual Public Sector Transformation Summit 2009”.
Down at the Dog and Duck, “Public Sector Transformation”, like “Beyond Excellence” itself, has become synonymous with Somerset’s very own home-grown Philosophical System: Confusionism.
We would welcome questions about Confusionism from anyone attending Jonesy’s Stream 5 tomorrow.
One recurring stream is Mathematical Confusionism. Albert Einstein, until he had a nervous breakdown trying to understand Jonesian Mathematics, was finally beginning to make some headway on this difficult topic.
Sadly, as of last week, he is no longer with us. This is because he failed to understand how it is that the answer to every question in Somerset could be “£200 million”.
Before his departure, Albert’s last words (if that is the right way to describe the constant stream of gibberish that was coming out of him as the ambulance took him away) indicated that we should not look to Science to explain Public Sector Transformation in Somerset.
Well, bless him; we’ve known for ages that it is more an Art than a Science. Or maybe it’s a Religion – given that Faith seems to be central to understanding it.
Anyway Alan will be revealing all tomorrow, and certain privileged people (Londoners, sadly, no room for us locals up there) will have an opportunity to ask some public questions about things like:
- Organisational Terrorists
- Institutional Chauvinists
- Chief Executives (Mistresses’) Pay (-Offs) (£140,000)
- Jonesian Mathematics (£200million)
- The Axis of Bull (£4million)
and so on. Alan will then be able to explain how these phenomena relate to the way in which he has sought to inflict Confusionism on us here in Somerset.
Finally, remember Carla? She went back to London after the weekend (she works there, as a Public Sector Transformer). I forgot to ask if she is going to the Lancaster Gate Summit, but if she does, you can be sure that she will have a thing or two to say to our Jonesy.
Watch out for the Ladies Alan!
Down at the Dog and Duck, “Public Sector Transformation”, like “Beyond Excellence” itself, has become synonymous with Somerset’s very own home-grown Philosophical System: Confusionism.
We would welcome questions about Confusionism from anyone attending Jonesy’s Stream 5 tomorrow.
One recurring stream is Mathematical Confusionism. Albert Einstein, until he had a nervous breakdown trying to understand Jonesian Mathematics, was finally beginning to make some headway on this difficult topic.
Sadly, as of last week, he is no longer with us. This is because he failed to understand how it is that the answer to every question in Somerset could be “£200 million”.
Before his departure, Albert’s last words (if that is the right way to describe the constant stream of gibberish that was coming out of him as the ambulance took him away) indicated that we should not look to Science to explain Public Sector Transformation in Somerset.
Well, bless him; we’ve known for ages that it is more an Art than a Science. Or maybe it’s a Religion – given that Faith seems to be central to understanding it.
Anyway Alan will be revealing all tomorrow, and certain privileged people (Londoners, sadly, no room for us locals up there) will have an opportunity to ask some public questions about things like:
- Organisational Terrorists
- Institutional Chauvinists
- Chief Executives (Mistresses’) Pay (-Offs) (£140,000)
- Jonesian Mathematics (£200million)
- The Axis of Bull (£4million)
and so on. Alan will then be able to explain how these phenomena relate to the way in which he has sought to inflict Confusionism on us here in Somerset.
Finally, remember Carla? She went back to London after the weekend (she works there, as a Public Sector Transformer). I forgot to ask if she is going to the Lancaster Gate Summit, but if she does, you can be sure that she will have a thing or two to say to our Jonesy.
Watch out for the Ladies Alan!
Friday 13 February 2009
Einstein suffers apoplectic fit
SCC’s £4million per year spin machine seems determined to give our auditor a nervous breakdown.
Apparently the Executive Committee doesn’t know about the hundreds of millions of pounds in savings that Jonesy & Co. have been announcing, and are actually proposing to put the Council Tax UP!
Unlike the rest of the regulars down the Dog n’ Duck (who are still confidently expecting a decrease of £100+), Albert was not actually surprised by this. That’s because he never believed all that stuff, and even refused to sign up to our summary.
The bit he took exception to this time went as follows:
“For a typical Band D household the increase will be just 53p extra per week … For such a small amount of extra money from each household the Council is able to plan over £200 million of investment in key services such as roads, schools and social care over the next three years.”
[There it is again! That famous £200million! SCC’s favourite number! Ed.]
Anyway, according to the SCC website there are 190,000 households in the county. And according to Albert Einstein, 0.53x52x190,000x3 does not equal 200,000,000.
“Zis time it is out by more zan a factor of 10!” He squawked at the bar last night.
“So what?”, said Daffer (who’s got the maths “O” Level, remember), “That just means they’ve put the decimal point in the wrong place again.”
“But zis is not “investment”, it is “running costs”, zey can NOT use such language…” said Albert. “It is misleading, nein! it is vorse, it is FRAUD!”
Now, when an accountant who also happens to be a famous mathematical genius uses the “F” word, people notice. Especially in a popular local pub that hasn’t even been shut down yet.
Which is how Carla Young came to join in the conversation, and ended up talking about “Excellence” into the small hours, long after the men in white coats had turned up to haul poor old Albert off to the local nuthouse.
A very interesting young lady, Carla - believe it or not she just happens to be a Public Sector Transformer from London who has recently moved into our area.
What a coincidence!
Apparently the Executive Committee doesn’t know about the hundreds of millions of pounds in savings that Jonesy & Co. have been announcing, and are actually proposing to put the Council Tax UP!
Unlike the rest of the regulars down the Dog n’ Duck (who are still confidently expecting a decrease of £100+), Albert was not actually surprised by this. That’s because he never believed all that stuff, and even refused to sign up to our summary.
The bit he took exception to this time went as follows:
“For a typical Band D household the increase will be just 53p extra per week … For such a small amount of extra money from each household the Council is able to plan over £200 million of investment in key services such as roads, schools and social care over the next three years.”
[There it is again! That famous £200million! SCC’s favourite number! Ed.]
Anyway, according to the SCC website there are 190,000 households in the county. And according to Albert Einstein, 0.53x52x190,000x3 does not equal 200,000,000.
“Zis time it is out by more zan a factor of 10!” He squawked at the bar last night.
“So what?”, said Daffer (who’s got the maths “O” Level, remember), “That just means they’ve put the decimal point in the wrong place again.”
“But zis is not “investment”, it is “running costs”, zey can NOT use such language…” said Albert. “It is misleading, nein! it is vorse, it is FRAUD!”
Now, when an accountant who also happens to be a famous mathematical genius uses the “F” word, people notice. Especially in a popular local pub that hasn’t even been shut down yet.
Which is how Carla Young came to join in the conversation, and ended up talking about “Excellence” into the small hours, long after the men in white coats had turned up to haul poor old Albert off to the local nuthouse.
A very interesting young lady, Carla - believe it or not she just happens to be a Public Sector Transformer from London who has recently moved into our area.
What a coincidence!
Wednesday 11 February 2009
Somerset Grit Makes Planes Fly
Yes, it's official!
Forget biofuels, aeroplanes leaving Bristol airport are flying on Somerset Salt.
"So that's what they've bloody done with it," growled Daffer Jones, fresh from his encounter with the ditch beside the hedge on the far side of the B road at the end of the Black Run that starts outside the Dog & Duck.
"Ach so ... but how can you measure circumference using ze unit of square kilometres?" said Albert Einstein, our auditor, who is an internationally famous mathematician. Away with the fairies as usual, our Albert.
"Look Albert," I said, with some exasperation, "they spend £4million a year telling us what a good job they're doing...." (Sorry, I did of course mean an "excellent, dedicated, fantastic and amazing" job. And too many people undervalue it, which is why SCC breaking news has to find room for all these adjectives in the same sentence.)
"... and for that kind of money, if they say the circumference of the earth is 40,000 square kilometres then it's good enough for me."
Forget biofuels, aeroplanes leaving Bristol airport are flying on Somerset Salt.
"So that's what they've bloody done with it," growled Daffer Jones, fresh from his encounter with the ditch beside the hedge on the far side of the B road at the end of the Black Run that starts outside the Dog & Duck.
"Ach so ... but how can you measure circumference using ze unit of square kilometres?" said Albert Einstein, our auditor, who is an internationally famous mathematician. Away with the fairies as usual, our Albert.
"Look Albert," I said, with some exasperation, "they spend £4million a year telling us what a good job they're doing...." (Sorry, I did of course mean an "excellent, dedicated, fantastic and amazing" job. And too many people undervalue it, which is why SCC breaking news has to find room for all these adjectives in the same sentence.)
"... and for that kind of money, if they say the circumference of the earth is 40,000 square kilometres then it's good enough for me."
Friday 6 February 2009
Snow Crisis!
This is the scene outside Somerset's Dog & Duck Inn at 7.30 a.m. this morning, just after the discovery that all schools in the area are being closed due to "adverse weather".The white stuff you can see is milk. Our intrepid milkman has been and gone. But if you look really carefully you can see some more white stuff on the top bar of the gate. This is not spilt milk - it is the snow that has brought Somerset to a standstill. Again!
The temperature is already an "icy" 3 degrees ABOVE zero, which everywhere else in the world would mean that the little dusting of snow you can see is melting as we watch. The wind is coming in at a mere 15 mph (admittedly it is coming from the North).
Daffer Jones, bless him, is still in bed (he always lies in when he's not at sea). This is just as well, as the Council's pathetic failure to keep the infrastructure open on Tuesday reduced him to tears.
"What would happen if there was a proper emergency?" he asked.
Tuesday 3 February 2009
Snow humility in Somerset!
Less snow than anywhere else in the country, but just as much disruption.
Other counties are closing hundreds of schools as well, you can read all about it on their websites. We have to rely on the local press.
13 inches of snow in Surrey. 13mm in Somerset (and melting fast).
The comparisons lead to an obvious conclusion: Pathetic Performance.
How embarassing! I just hope there are no foreigners around to witness it.
Other counties are closing hundreds of schools as well, you can read all about it on their websites. We have to rely on the local press.
13 inches of snow in Surrey. 13mm in Somerset (and melting fast).
The comparisons lead to an obvious conclusion: Pathetic Performance.
How embarassing! I just hope there are no foreigners around to witness it.
Thursday 29 January 2009
Wires Crossed in County Hall?
Or is it, as Postman (not very PC) Pat suggested, "that lot just ain't wired right!"
The Dog & Duck mailbox has received a link to this astonishing document.
It seems that certain people at SCC have put an awful lot of work into working out CUTS TO SERVICES worth about £4 million!
Our initial observations are twofold. First, why do they need to make cuts when they have spent the last six months going on about how they have saved hundreds of millions of pounds? (And most of them thanks to SouthWest One, which, unlike some SomerBloggers, we have scrupulously avoided criticising - so far!)
... Give SouthWest One a chance, we told ourselves. Perhaps it is true that it is going to save us £200million ....
Anyway, our second observation is more of a question. The £4million hit-list targets things like "community", "care", "achievement", "transport" ... even "drainage" and "ditch clearance" (we thought they'd given up on that years ago, despite all the flooding we get!).
So, they are planning to cut things that we need, and care about. If they really want to make cuts in spite of all the savings, and in spite of the fact that they are sitting on A BILLION POUNDS of our money ... Why don't they get rid of the £4million spin department?
Sorry for all the links in today's post, but some serious inconsistencies are beginning to appear. We only hope this does not mean that the "it's all lies" faction have been right all along ....
The Dog & Duck mailbox has received a link to this astonishing document.
It seems that certain people at SCC have put an awful lot of work into working out CUTS TO SERVICES worth about £4 million!
Our initial observations are twofold. First, why do they need to make cuts when they have spent the last six months going on about how they have saved hundreds of millions of pounds? (And most of them thanks to SouthWest One, which, unlike some SomerBloggers, we have scrupulously avoided criticising - so far!)
... Give SouthWest One a chance, we told ourselves. Perhaps it is true that it is going to save us £200million ....
Anyway, our second observation is more of a question. The £4million hit-list targets things like "community", "care", "achievement", "transport" ... even "drainage" and "ditch clearance" (we thought they'd given up on that years ago, despite all the flooding we get!).
So, they are planning to cut things that we need, and care about. If they really want to make cuts in spite of all the savings, and in spite of the fact that they are sitting on A BILLION POUNDS of our money ... Why don't they get rid of the £4million spin department?
Sorry for all the links in today's post, but some serious inconsistencies are beginning to appear. We only hope this does not mean that the "it's all lies" faction have been right all along ....
Saturday 24 January 2009
Einstein confirms Iceland losses
SCC has its own version of the Dog & Duck. They call it the "Scrutiny Committee" and it met on 6th January 2009.
As a gesture of solidarity, we bought them each a calculator for Christmas, using the extra money that we're going to have thanks to the massive reduction in Somerset council tax expected this year. And it looks like it worked, too! This is what the committee was told:
the £25m had been invested as 5 separate deposits of £5m each
i.e. 5x5=25!
Not even Albert Einstein could argue with that one, even if he is too thick to understand that 140+17=200.
Daffer Jones, who knows all about sailing close to the wind in the North Atlantic, said that he wouldn't have been surprised if there had been 25 deposits of £5million each.
After all, using Jonesy's innovative mathematical methods (patented by IBM), this might also come to a mere £25 million.
As a gesture of solidarity, we bought them each a calculator for Christmas, using the extra money that we're going to have thanks to the massive reduction in Somerset council tax expected this year. And it looks like it worked, too! This is what the committee was told:
the £25m had been invested as 5 separate deposits of £5m each
i.e. 5x5=25!
Not even Albert Einstein could argue with that one, even if he is too thick to understand that 140+17=200.
Daffer Jones, who knows all about sailing close to the wind in the North Atlantic, said that he wouldn't have been surprised if there had been 25 deposits of £5million each.
After all, using Jonesy's innovative mathematical methods (patented by IBM), this might also come to a mere £25 million.
Monday 19 January 2009
Smug in Somerset
Ha! Everyone else is going to have an increase in their Council Tax of 3.5%, but not here in Somerset.
That's because we have an "Excellent" council that announced more than half a billion pounds worth of savings in the second half of last year.
Down at the Dog & Duck we await the arrival of our Council Tax bills with quiet confidence this year, despite having spent all our money on christmas presents to help the economy.
Here in Somerset we call it "the Excellence dividend".
That's because we have an "Excellent" council that announced more than half a billion pounds worth of savings in the second half of last year.
Down at the Dog & Duck we await the arrival of our Council Tax bills with quiet confidence this year, despite having spent all our money on christmas presents to help the economy.
Here in Somerset we call it "the Excellence dividend".
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