Who Pays Wins! ...

... is the motto of the"Special Excellence Service", or SES as some would have it.

Down at the D&D we reckon that this is in fact a load of bollox, as WE were the ones who paid for it all, and we most definitely did not win!

Anyway, for anyone who wants to see what the legal system does when someone without representation goes up against someone with unrestricted access to our wallets ... click here.

(WARNING! Link should not be attempted by miners or people suffering from high blood pressure, or indeed anyone who would rather that their illusions remain intact. Ed.)

A farewell to Excellence?

It has been pointed out to us that without Bullying we may also have to say au revoir (sorry, that should read “adieu”, get it right Duck!) to our old friend Excellence.

As for whatever it was that would have lain “Beyond Excellence”, well without the Bully Boys to tell us we’ve reached it, that will return to the realms of Scientific Impossibility. (Hey! Maybe that will speed Albert Einstein’s return from the Loony Bin! Ed.)

You see, as we have hinted in the past (but not properly explained – yet), there is an inextricable link between Excellence and Bullying in Somerset. It’s to do with these people from London and Brussels and places like that, who send little men called “inspectors” to Somerset. We’ll get Carla to explain how it works – next time she is in Somerset.

Meanwhile, we just hope that the new members will realise that the ignorant yokels won’t even notice if they shed the plus, or even a star or two. In fact, if it means more resources for libraries, PMCs, roads, achievement, care, etc. …. then we may actually welcome it!

Election Special

Now, as you know we are not allowed to do "Politics" (as in parties and what-not), but we are allowed to invite our fellow yokels to print out the above poster and to ask their candidates to sign up to the Dog & Duck Principles.

These are fairly basic really, and should be accessible to ANY candidate worth voting for, whatever their party (even members of the "bring your own bottle" party and other tight gits).

The Dog & Duck principles are:-

1. No Spin;

2. No Bull;

3. No Sh1t;

4. No Lies (or any variation thereof);

5. No Bullying (not even of Councillors);

6. If it ain't broke, don't screw it up (however fashionable it may be to do so);

7. If it is broke, don't pretent it ain't broke;

etc.

In respect of the seventh principle, we hope that the new members will realise that we may be simple, but we are not stupid, and can actually be quite forgiving really!

Allez Jim! Go Doug!

In the week that Somerset achieved its latest accolade: a well-deserved mention in the “Rotten Boroughs” section of Private Eye (“vindictive campaign backfires”); and Dog & Duck regulars achieved previously unimagined depths of despair; a bit of good news came in from – of all places – You Tube!

The latest “SCC – politico-administrative disaster area” video was, potentially, yet another wrench to the already pummelled gut of Joe Public. We saw it just before closing time on Friday evening. It had been up less than twelve hours, but had already been viewed more than 100 times!

At first even the battle-hardened regulars were shocked at just how rude and disrespectful Simon (£4 million) Clifford was to Mr. Buchanan.

‘Well, b*gger it Duck,’ said Pat, ‘just exactly who is supposed to be smearing who?’

‘Hang on, hang on,’ said Daff, ‘wind back a minute … that looked like our Jim!’

‘You’re dead right, Daff!’ said I, ‘and the other one’s Doug!’

Well, how about that for a turn up? At least one, maybe two representatives from Dog & Duck country apparently showing public support for Paul van Buitenen! (sorry, meant to say “Buchanan” – Freudian slip).

So it’s not just Sir Chris Clarke making a stand then. And the landlord was totally made up (Jim’s a mate of his) - so much so that he allowed us to write this post, which almost strays into the forbidden realms of “Politics”.

See the complete video here.

Maybe they’re not all a bunch of lily-livered lemmings! Maybe we will bother to vote after all!

And anyway - we're a County, not a "Borough".

And they expect us to bother to vote?

Hard to believe, but some of the regulars were approached by electioneering types yesterday.

Apparently there is this thing called a "Council Election" coming up, and a bunch of them were out there with their clipboards and surveillance footage. They were trying to persuade the ignorant yokels to get out of bed on some day next month to go down and vote for a new Councillor.

Meanwhile - and believe this or not, as you wish ... one of the regulars is actually a "leading light" of a high-powered local organisation. She was able to confirm that there is in fact an election coming up soon, as it was mentioned at a meeting of this particular body. There was an issue, you see, over something the Council was supposed to be doing (no! not filling in potholes on the roads - we've given up on that one!).

It seems that one board member suggested that now would be a good time to raise the issue with the relevant Councillor, given that there was this election coming up. The suggestion was greeted with derisive hooting and snorting, and a scornful 'you don't seriously think the Councillors run that place do you?'

As the Dog & Duck is most definitely a secret society (Landlord's rule 1), our colleague was obliged to say nothing throughout this exchange (which became quite heated by all accounts). However, she did tell us all about it last night, in a discussion about the depths to which the expectations of Somerset residents have plunged over the past few years.

The discussion was prompted by this article about how the Buchanan saga has been allowed to drag on YET AGAIN, and how the ruling Junta has managed to drag Sir Chris Clarke into the fray. Now, he's one we HAVE heard of. He was leader of the Council in the days when the politicians were in charge. They even had a word for it. Let me see ... oh yes! "Democracy" they called it.

Down at the Dog & Duck we have another term for it. We call it "the good old days".

Off yer Bike!

There seems to be a desperate scramble to find genuine (as opposed to "Excellent") savings in Taunton. Withdrawing all national newspapers from Somerset libraries will save the equivalent of 0.25% of the cost of running the Council's spin machine, but who are the victims this time?

The geriatric lobby is already up in arms (hardly surprising to those of us who recall rows of pensioners busy reading the things on a daily basis).

The tight gits will have to buy their own now!

But what about jobseekers?

A spokesman for SCC said that the council will continue to provide local newspapers (big deal - most of them are free anyway! Ed.) "to give everybody access to job adverts".

However, a spokesman for the Dog & Duck said that it is not appropriate for the County Council to assume that Somerset people are only good enough for local jobs, and that a lot of young people, in particular, are prepared to travel outside the area to find work.

'Tis strange how often bikes are in the frame these days ....

Somerset to Launch Space Mission!

The trouble with eye-catching headlines is that there's always someone who will read the underlying article.

Take this one, that we have already commented on. Rather appropriate to re-visit the topic on the day that most of South Somerset ground to a halt due to uncleared snow - YET AGAIN!

Remember how Daffer Jones asked for a calculator a few days back? He was looking at this press release, and started going on about how he'd found the most idiotic claim ever to come out of SCC's £4million per year spin machine ... "an absolute whopper!"

"Look," said Daff, "go on the SCC website, and find statistics."

"OK," I said.

"Right, and so what is the surface area of Somerset?"

"Well, it says here 3,452 square kilometres, but that's the 2001 figure, it's probably grown since Jonesy arrived."

"Sod that," growled Daffer, "now look at what they said about the 'excellent', 'dedicated', 'fantastic' and 'amazing' job they did on the snow."

“We’ve treated in excess of 40,000 sq km with salt in the last week." I read.

"Right," said Daffer, handing me the calculator, "and what's 40,000 divided by 3,452?"

"er, 11 point five eight seven four eight five five one ..."

"all right, all right," Daffer interrupted, "so to any normal person that means they claimed to have coated the whole county in salt twelve times that week, OK?"

"Yeah ... so?"

"That's the ENTIRE SURFACE AREA of the county, TWELVE TIMES OVER, you idiots, not just the A & B roads, but ALL the roads, plus all the fields, the moors, the forests, EVERYTHING. TWELVE TIMES OVER!"

"Bloody Hell, Daff, you're right, that includes all the countryside and everything ..." I said, finally realising what he was on about.

"And all the gardens and driveways too ..." said Pat helpfully.

"Not to mention all the hills and beaches," said someone else.

"And even the Salt Marshes!" added the landlord, shaking his head in wonderment. He normally keeps out of these things but was now finally beginning to comprehend the enormity of the, er, lie(?).

"That's right," said Daff, "and twelve times over, and in just one week."

Who needs Albert Einstein when you've got a sailor with "O" Level maths at the bar?

American Bull in Somerset

Being a pretty adventurous bunch ourselves, the Dog & Duck team have, I think you will all agree, been pretty slow to criticise the SouthWestOne adventure.

After all, Daffer Jones has been sailing close to the wind on the seven seas for centuries now, braving hurricane, tsunami and pirate. Albert spent decades turning the international scientific community upside down before SCC's version of arithmetic caused his nervous breakdown. And Pat, of course, is renowned for keeping absentee husbands on their toes (well, if you live in Somerset, and work in London ... what do you expect?).

So we are no stranger to the taking of extreme risks in pursuit of worthy goals.

Which seems to be what SouthWestOne is all about (at least, that's what the rest of the South West seems to think - well, the "extreme risk" bit anyway).

However, someone who declined to leave a name (probably an SCC employee with a P45 allergy) very kindly left us a link to this extraordinary leaflet.

[since this post was, well, "posted", the forces of Excellence have removed the leaflet from public view, so that it can no longer be scrutinised. Luckily we downloaded it at the Dog & Duck, so email us if you want a good laugh, and we'll send you a copy! Ed.]

If you look closely (at the small print right at the end) you will see that it is "printed in the USA".

The reason why they do not seem to have been able to persuade anyone in Somerset to do the printing will become obvious to anyone who reads the thing. In addition to the familiar chorus of Excellence and Transformation, there is a brand new and extremely specific number to scratch our heads over:

"... savings in all areas for the three government agencies are expected to be 376 million pounds ($553 million) over 10 years ..."

Blimey!

That rules out any scope for "rounding differences" (as in £140,000,000 + £17,000,000 = £200,000,000 ... rounding to one significant figure, an extremely significant figure in Somerset, as it happens).

It's a good job Albert Einstein is in an old-fashioned straightjacket and receiving regular doses of ECT - 'cos heaven alone knows what he'd make of this lot!

Snow Crisis!

This is the scene outside Somerset's Dog & Duck Inn at 7.30 a.m. this morning, just after the discovery that all schools in the area are being closed due to "adverse weather".

The white stuff you can see is milk. Our intrepid milkman has been and gone. But if you look really carefully you can see some more white stuff on the top bar of the gate. This is not spilt milk - it is the snow that has brought Somerset to a standstill. Again!

The temperature is already an "icy" 3 degrees ABOVE zero, which everywhere else in the world would mean that the little dusting of snow you can see is melting as we watch. The wind is coming in at a mere 15 mph (admittedly it is coming from the North).

Daffer Jones, bless him, is still in bed (he always lies in when he's not at sea). This is just as well, as the Council's pathetic failure to keep the infrastructure open on Tuesday reduced him to tears.

"What would happen if there was a proper emergency?" he asked.

Wires Crossed in County Hall?

Or is it, as Postman (not very PC) Pat suggested, "that lot just ain't wired right!"

The Dog & Duck mailbox has received a link to this astonishing document.

It seems that certain people at SCC have put an awful lot of work into working out CUTS TO SERVICES worth about £4 million!

Our initial observations are twofold. First, why do they need to make cuts when they have spent the last six months going on about how they have saved hundreds of millions of pounds? (And most of them thanks to SouthWest One, which, unlike some SomerBloggers, we have scrupulously avoided criticising - so far!)

... Give SouthWest One a chance, we told ourselves. Perhaps it is true that it is going to save us £200million ....

Anyway, our second observation is more of a question. The £4million hit-list targets things like "community", "care", "achievement", "transport" ... even "drainage" and "ditch clearance" (we thought they'd given up on that years ago, despite all the flooding we get!).

So, they are planning to cut things that we need, and care about. If they really want to make cuts in spite of all the savings, and in spite of the fact that they are sitting on A BILLION POUNDS of our money ... Why don't they get rid of the £4million spin department?

Sorry for all the links in today's post, but some serious inconsistencies are beginning to appear. We only hope this does not mean that the "it's all lies" faction have been right all along ....

Smug in Somerset

Ha! Everyone else is going to have an increase in their Council Tax of 3.5%, but not here in Somerset.

That's because we have an "Excellent" council that announced more than half a billion pounds worth of savings in the second half of last year.

Down at the Dog & Duck we await the arrival of our Council Tax bills with quiet confidence this year, despite having spent all our money on christmas presents to help the economy.

Here in Somerset we call it "the Excellence dividend".

Excellent Complaints Management

One thing that has long taxed the (limited) intellectual resources of the Dog n' Duck is how the Forces of Excellence are able to claim that they get so few complaints. However over the weekend a CHUM agent was so incensed by the censorship issue that they leaked us a copy of this spreadsheet. It is self explanatory, and just reinforces what we suspected all along!

CENSORED!

Down at the Dog n' Duck we are all hoping that Jonesy has gone to the same place as those disappearing videos on YouTube.

(NB - don't despair! A few days ago we noticed that someone had made a little collection of some of the videos and has posted them on another site - we are checking our browser's "history" to find out where, and will post the link when we find it. At the time Daffer Jones said something must be up. His voyages have taken him to many places where there is censorship, so he picked up on the vibe before the rest of us.)

Let us be clear: we did NOT approve of the videos. At least, not all of them.

But some were very topical. Especially the one with the firing squad in the quarry. I remember when Jonesy ordered that execution - we were all delighted. She was a real bitch.

However, one does have to wonder how much of our money the Council is spending on censorship. Presumably they will see it as money well spent, since without censorship there would be no Excellence.

Would there?

Where has Jonesy Gone?

The latest two TV programmes about Excellence (this one and the BBC effort on "cyber-bullying" a week earlier) show an astonishing shift in Policy. Jonesy, once so prominent in swanking to broadcasters, is nowhere to be seen or heard!

One must assume that the County Council has finally seen the light, and realised that Jonesy is a total liability in the presence of a camera or a microphone. Of course, down at the Dog n' Duck we consider him to be more of a comic genius than a liability, but then, we don't have to explain to the electorate what he has been up to. At least, not with a straight face.

Unfortunately, the Councillors seem to have decided to put themselves in the firing line (well that brave chap, Sam Crabb, has been doing so). This is bad news indeed, because:

(1) Councillor Crabb has an understandable but unfortunate tendency to look embarassed when being made to clutch meaningless trophies or spout idiotically large numbers that not even Albert Einstein can understand. It's hard for the audience to laugh and cringe at the same time;
(2) Councillor Crabb appears not to have been Linguistically Programmed to insert random but relevant phrases into his speech. That is phrases like "we, of course, are a four star (the most you could get before the plus was invented) excellent council as rated by the Audit Commission"; and
(3) The landlord has placed an absolute prohibition on "Political" postings from the Dog n' Duck computer (we even got into trouble for defending the Mogg).

Luckily, before Jonesy was removed from the public eye he showered us with so much bull that we estimate that the Dog n' Duck "explaining Excellence" programme could continue for another 2.75 years purely to clear the backlog. Even if he never said anything to anyone about "Excellence" ever again.

And let's face it - that is hardly likely to happen, is it?

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 5) - precautions

OK, so you can’t be cured, and you are fully informed. If Organisational Terrorism was easy, no-one would do it, would they? Therefore, the final message of the week is – take sensible precautions.

Pay close attention. Today’s offering from the Dog n’ Duck is longer than usual, but it could literally save your life.

You must invest in essential basic kit. Around £30 will get you a decent MP3 recorder. To put it into perspective, that is not much more than SCC spent on investment advice before slinging £25,000,000 of our money into the North Atlantic.

These devices have powerful microphones that can record anything from intimate conversations to multiple participant meetings in rooms the size of Roger’s office. The microphones are about the size of a pin head, and the whole gadget looks (and works) like one of those memory sticks that office people wear around their necks these days. (Hey – maybe they are all Potential Organisational Terrorists!)

Dangling from your neck like an “ordinary” memory stick is the ideal place for such a device. But if you’re worried (or if you have a stick that flashes to warn everyone that they are recording) then the top pocket of a jacket works perfectly well. They record through cloth, no problem. It helps to keep it high enough to be above any tables or other physical obstructions, but even that is not essential….

…. because, and this is the really clever bit, you can download, free from the web, simple software that magically transforms your recordings. For those of us who learned our spy craft during the Cod War this is truly astonishing. In the old days you ended up with a tape of mush and crackle, with your own voice booming and everyone else’s just a murmur. You had to take this to the Anoraks down in the basement, and they would curse and mutter and spend all night wearing headphones and twiddling knobs to get you an incomplete and often useless transcript.

Nowadays all you do is open the digital recording in your chosen software, and click the button that says something like “clean up sound”. All the mush disappears and the incriminating words from the other side of the room come through loud and clear – you can even recognise whose voices are speaking!

Down at the Dog n’ Duck we have tested this technology extensively. We can assure you that it works and that it is easy to use. We recommend it unreservedly to anyone who works for an Excellent organisation.

Dog n’ Duck HOT TIP! Always use uncompressed formats (e.g. .WAV) for your initial recording. The files are bigger but they are much easier to clean up.

It is particularly useful to have a recording of all those meetings that never took place. That way if you are accused of having dreams, hallucinations or delusions, or even of making things up - you can simply play the recording back to yourself. This is helpful when you have to prove that you are in fact sane, and that the organisation’s groupies are suffering from collective amnesia (a common side effect of Excellence).

Official Dog n’ Duck Legal Advice! – join the Union, that way you might get help if Excellence dictates that you are an Organisational Terrorist and that you must be got rid of.

However, we recognise that some people are too important (or too scaredy-cats!) to join the Union, and so for them …

Dog n’ Duck HOT TIP! You can get personal legal cover with your house insurance, it costs peanuts but can literally save your life.

Employment Lawyers in Somerset are currently charging OTs £235 per hour … plus VAT - which the Excellent organisation can recover, but you can’t (see why we are so anxious to guide people away from Organisational Terrorism? The dice are loaded against you in every little way imaginable.)

So you rack up costs at £2,071 per day while struggling to get out of the slurry pit. Meanwhile the Excellent organisation, which recently admitted that it was sitting on £1,000,000,000 of our money, racks up costs at only £1,762 per day (less any discounts they get as a result of their Excellent Procurement Strategy). Who is going to run out of money first?

Even if you are not remotely interested in perpetrating an Act of Organisational Terror, and are not even on the County Hall POT register, it is wise to take these basic precautions.

And all because, to quote the core message of National Anti-Bullying Week, you never know when you too may be branded an Organisational Terrorist.

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 4) - information

If you are unable to curb your Terrorist leanings, then you should at least ensure that you are well informed. We have a couple of Former Organisational Terrorists down at the Dog n’ Duck, who are prepared to offer advice free of charge.

It is like counselling – the FOTs ask you all sorts of questions and leave you to draw your own conclusions (yeah right, what kind of “advice” is that? … well, if you are a Potential Organisational Terrorist it’s the best you’re gonna get!).

Anyway, the questions go like this:

(1) Do you want all the rooms at County Hall to fall silent as soon as you walk in?
(2) Do you want half the HR department to suddenly be tasked with a detailed review of your performance?
(3) Do you want to be reported to the Standards Board?
(4) Do you want a Business Re-engineering Consultant to be paid £10,000 for an essay on why the Public Sector Transformation Agenda requires that your job should be given a new title and then given to someone else (who is not on the POT register)?
(5) Do you want your colleagues to be informed, in a solemn voice and with much pursing of lips, that you are being offered “extra training”?
(6) Do you want to put your family through a nightmare likely to result in insanity or poverty affecting current and future generations?

Obviously, for most people the answer to this sort of question is “no”.

That means that most POTs realise that the only sensible course of action is to sit down, shut up, and write out 100 times: “140+17=200, or 210, or 140,000, or whatever Jonesy says it is”.

Because, as a former (District) Councillor told us, “… County Councillors have to be very brave to stick their heads above the parapet in Taunton.”

UNISON sources confirm that the same applies to members of staff (universally referred to as “officers”, even the ones who would barely qualify as “other ranks”!)

But sadly, there will always be some who are too brave, or just too stupid to understand the consequences of failing to control their urges. There is even a charity that has been set up for these very people. It is called Public Concern at Work.

Dog n’ Duck veterans, however, would strongly advise you to have nothing whatsoever to do with this outfit! Experience has shown that they actively encourage you to Terrorise your Organisation, and seek to radicalise you with promises of support and assurances about legal protection. However, once you have actually committed an Outrage, they reckon that their work is done. Then they leave you well and truly in the slurry pit, because the reality is: no-one really gives a shit.

Apart from the cattle of course - otherwise there wouldn’t be a slurry pit.

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 3) - remedies

So what do you do on discovering that you are a POT? DO NOT DESPAIR!

There are a number of possible cures available, most of which involve joining a satanic cult (which is not as bad as it sounds, and could be quite fun really!). Ordinary witchcraft (wicca) & VooDoo have also been known to help. The HR Department at County Hall will be pleased to advise, not least because it will give them a chance to make sure you are on the POT register.

However, at the end of the day, Organisational Terrorism is like sex. If all else fails you should at least be well informed (Thursday) and take sensible precautions (Friday).

National Anti-Bullying Week (day 2) - diagnosis

This is a serious week, for a serious subject (Organisational Terror, in case you've forgotten). No jokes.

So today, the regulars down at the Dog n' Duck would like to invite you all to examine the inner workings of your mind, to see whether you too are a Potential Organisational Terrorist.

Statistics have shown that POTs are most likely to be:

(1) recent recruits (watch out for Simon & Meic);
(2) newly elected (check out "question 3");
(3) refugees from the private sector (Yikes! That's the whole of IBM); and
(4) used to working in smaller organisations (Phew. IBM ruled out, our £400 million is safe).

As with drugs, young minds are most vulnerable. This is because they suffer from something called "idealism", also known as illusions. Fortunately Somerset County Council has an award-winning inducktrination program that has a proven track record of turning illusions into delusions.

That program uses the techniques of NLP ("Neuro Linguistic Programming" for those of you who are still not familiar with the inner workings of Excellence) to identify an individual's susceptibility to POTism.

What happens is this. To prepare for your journey, you do all that deep breathing, relaxation, visualisation, envisioning, and self-realisation stuff. Then you allow your mind to range freely over the Strategic Excellence Agenda and Service Delivery Branding Options and all the rest of it.

At this point, if your mind cannot be cleared of doubts and insists on returning to practicalities, and vernacular expressions such as "that ain't right!", then not only are you an ignorant yokel, but you have a problem.

Sorry, I meant "we" have a problem.

"Our" problem is that you are a Terrorist Outrage waiting to happen. There are two options. Either you can get rid of yourself, or you can read the advice being posted later this week.

Earth to Kershaw ...

Perhaps it was naïve, but we did expect to see some mention of investments in the latest Agenda of the Excellent Audit Committee. Down at the Dog & Duck we reckon that a cock-up of Icelandic proportions deserves at least a teeny-weeny little mention.

Under Reports, however, there is a thing called "Risk Management Update".

"Ach sooo! Zey vill haff hidden it here!" Said Albert Einstein confidently (Al's an Accountant, remember, so he knows about this stuff).

Anyway, we clicked away on the Dog & Duck computer, and lo and behold .... nothing. We found all sorts of Excellence, and discovered that SCC has lots of people called "Risk Management Champions", and plenty of other fancy talk and coloured matrices (hey! we can do colour too - look: ICELAND IRELAND ENGLAND).

But on the subject of investments or bank deposits or the like - a truly deafening silence.

However, let it not be said that Roger & Co. have passed up an opportunity to rub our noses in it. For this is the moment they chose to unveil something called the SCC Risk Management Standard, describing it as "a new addition to the Risk Management Toolkit"....

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, counties like Leicestershire have what they call "a prudent investment policy". And in February of this year, North West Leicestershire District Council took £6.5 million out of Icelandic banks, because they thought it wasn't safe.

Now, what was Roger doing back in February 2008? Oh yes, I remember! He was feeding spaghetti to a pirate that had boarded Spaceship Somerset and was forcing everyone worship his monster.

Council Tax REBATES! Hurray!

Last night I caught up with Albert Einstein down at the Dog & Duck.

As you may recall he was last seen scratching his head over Jonesy's sums, and in particular the famous (now infamous) £200,000,000 that IBM is going to save Somerset over the next 10 years.

Apparently Jonesy's confirmation via the LGC that the discount rate should be zero (uh?) has thrown Albert's previous calculations into disarray. He is now one mightily pissed off famous mathematical genius.

However, I went out to join the smokers in the rain, and borrowed a fag packet to do some maths the old fashioned way.

It is confusing with all those zeros, but when you take the £200 million, and divide it by the 190,000 Somerset Council Tax Payers, you get ...... £1,052.63. Blimey! Now divide that by another 10 (for the 10 years), and what do you get?

Yippee!!! We're all gonna get a rebate of £105.26 at the end of the year! That's more than Gordon Brown gave us last month!

We'll be having a drink on that tonight.